Thursday, May 21, 2015

What this man does will blow you away

I decided to do a series of posts about my resolve to give up coffee for a year. 

Bloggers do these types of wild things simply because they can. We answer to no one, and no one, in turn, cares at all, ever.

It was time to bring that joke to its obvious conclusion.

But the bigger point I am attempting to encircle with sweaty, stunted arms is that public interest in this blog has really been on the decline.

I blame three things in particular for this. First, I blame everyone but myself, because it's easy.

Second, I blame my inability to do enough "stunt" posts, ones that are carefully crafted to go viral, such as my hilarious coffee antics pictured above, or this mind boggling collage:

At the end of the long, terrible day we call life, though, I blame me. Always having to be the cool, aloof loner type. Keeping the world at an arm's length, making girls wonder what I'm thinking. Except my steady; I drop the mask with her, only for a moment, only while necking.

That is all about to change. I have decided to provide you with a rare glimpse into my cathedral of creativity, my sacrum santorum, my blogging studio.

Well, that's it. Thanks for reading. 

Just kidding, there is so much more.

Like these Dreidal crayons I bought one time, for I know not why.

I already said, I KNOW NOT.

I don't feel like doing that.

Stop it. That bothers me.

Look, I'm just trying to get more intimate-

-with my readers-

-so I can't be whatever strange companion you wish me to be right now. I'm stretched thin as it is.

Anyways, to get my creativity going, I require a certain amount of sensory deprivation.

This could be immersion in the lego pool-

or sitting in the Dark Place by this blue machine thingy-

Sure, it gets scary.

But, as Nicholas Sparks put it, you do your best writing when you are in the dark, terrified, and everything around you stinks of cat spray and mildew.

It's true. He wrote the entirety of The Best of Me while locked inside a Doskocil Pet Taxi. His assistant fed him Snausages through the tiny metal holes.

I'm sorry I made that dumb joke. It was because I got out of the lego pool too soon.

Here is the shirt I was wearing when I first met my wife, framed now, no longer meaningful as a garment.

Some kind of strange magic was in the air that night, and it is quite possible that I was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever seen.

Ah, well, you know how marriage goes. 

Years later, she confiscated the shirt from my wardrobe when she noticed my chest hair cravat spiking through its frayed surface.

Moving on, any blogger worth a salt has a vast collection of reference materials to turn to in times of need.

The Julia Child blogger from that movie was always looking at cookbooks, and I happen to know that the mighty Jenny Lawson herself is never a stone's throw from her dog-eared copy of Dr.Johnson's Shake Your Pithy Jowls.

Here is just a taste of my own blogging reference library:

There's one other book in the collection, too. I couldn't find it for the picture though.

Probably my wife did something with it. She's always ganking my tomes.

After my senses have been well and truly deprivated, I whiteboard a few key concepts in dreidal.

Well, it's an oversimplification, but okay, we'll get the ball rolling with it.

Anyone else?

Good, good; let's expand that to something more universal though.

Now, how about we drill down to some specifically applicable implementations?

Hmmm. I guess my hesitation there would be that it's kind of a juvenile, maybe kind of a tired, approach to the material?

As you can imagine, blogging is terrifically hard on the emotions. You have to keep yourself balanced by staring at things for long periods of time. 

I like to alternate between gazing at my Happy Shelf-

Each one has a story, and each is perfect in its way
-and my Life is Disappointment Shelf:

This is the part of my blogging studio that my wife calls "a big problem".

There are a lot more areas to the studio, but they all kind of look like the "big problem."

And when all is said, written, drawn, and yet another post has leapt from the snapping electric line of my teeming brain, I put all my blogging tools carefully away.

They wait for me, in the closet there, like a pantheon of slumbering gods.

I hope you appreciate how hard it was for me to open up to you all like this.

As always, thanks for reading.


  1. I love your son's "gift." Also this whole thing.

    1. Hey thanks for reading and supporting this blog as much as you do, Jincy. It is very inspiring for me

  2. I always love your posts! I may not always comment, but I am reading. I promise. :-)

    1. A-ha! This whole thing was a plot to scrounge you out of whatever hole you've been lurking in, scousewife. I hoped you come a'commenting

  3. You make me laugh very hard. Thank you!

  4. If I understood correctly from your drawing, your wife is a Dakotan? Being a Dakotan I can teLL you are a veRy fortunate blessed person. I'm a South D.

    I am blogging less frequently at the moment mainly because I am so busy.

    1. She's a dakotan, a northerner though. Your enemy.

    2. I just saw a video of folks making Lego shaped gummys in a variety of colors, and thought of you. Search: How To Make LEGO Gummy Candy! by Grant Thompson on YouTube.

    3. I think North Dakota is one of many states where I know eXactly one person who lives there, but he is fixing to move.

  5. Through this I think I've discovered what my problem is... blogging wise, anyway. I need to set up my own creative space. Either that or get a lego immersion pool.

    1. It can be any kind of pool, really. As long as it provides sufficient immersion.

  6. I notice that the number of posts per year has been declining over time...did that result in the declining readership, or was it vice versa? No criticism, I promise; I couldn't do what you do, period. I will continue to come back because I like what you have to say.

    And yes, more fart (that made me laugh).

    1. Hi Leslie! Thanks for commenting. I think it was partly cause I posted less, partly cause I started repeating myself. Probably a lot of other parts in there as well. I would post way more, but between lack of time and lack of ideas, it just doesn't happen. Thank you for reading!

  7. I just think you should know I love your site, and always check for updates, and it is always a bright spot in my eternal 12-hour night-shifts when I see you've posted again :)

    1. hey thanks diana! you make me swell in my ego

  8. That was gold, sir. And so relatable: I cannot count the number of problems I've caused by exploring arm bendability...

    As always, thank you for posting!

  9. You had me at the title.
    I would have been rofl had I been able to get up after I was done. Just know that you are funny.
    And I know funny.

    Not really,
    but who's gonna check?

    1. nobody checks! thats the beauty of blogging

  10. Headlines like your title make me twitchy. "What happens next will shock you!" No, no it most likely will do no such thing. But this is good stuff. It's given me a lot to think about, as I was *this* close to abandoning blogging forever, in favor of nurturing my umpteenth languishing novel. But now that I have some insight into how the PROs do it -- who KNOWS...

    1. As you can see Joe, you have to accumulate some things first before you can be a PRO blogger