Saturday, April 26, 2014

Transcript of a hilarious conversation for the purpose of distribution on the Internet

There seems to be a lot of support for blog posts that retell a conversation carried on by the blogger and their significant other.

I have one of those others, so I approached her to begin a hilarious conversation.

It worked!

But I forgot what the conversation was about.

How do all those bloggers keep track of that stuff?

Recording devices are way out of my budget.

Pen and paper are always an option, I suppose, but what if writing the conversation down disrupts the flow of it? 

If I asked her to help me remember, then she'd know I was going to put everything she says on the Internet. She might act different, like when you point a camera at someone and suddenly they turn very sexy or use their hands superfluously while they talk.

Me: A lot of people are worried about the zombie apocalypse.

Wife: Why?

Me: (shrug).

Wife: Do you mind shutting the bathroom door?

Me: Oh sorry, sure. 


Me: Do you think it's something we should be worried about?

Wife: What? I can't hear you through the bathroom door.

It's possible that my wife has humor swings. There might be times when she is more or less apt to engage in hilarious conversations. 

Sometimes people laugh really hard when they think something terrible has happened, but then find out suddenly that it didn't happen after all, and right then you engage them in a conversation that is as clever as it is funny.

Me: I'm suddenly dead.

Wife: Ok.

Me: I mean, people we love have died suddenly.

Wife: Yes, that's true.

Me: Recently, and in terrible ways.

Wife: Geez, you're a real downer today.


Me: I'm depressed.

Nothing was coming together the way the Internet said it should.

However, I've heard that there are people who say hilarious things in their sleep. Like whole fantastic conversations, carried on in the night.

I wait until my wife is asleep, and then I get out my notebook.

 About halfway through the night, I realize that I am going to have to fudge the numbers.

No sound comes out.

I agonize over the ethics involved in what I am about to do. 

Me: Let's be amusing about bacon.

Wife: (Not really. It's me, talking in a high, sleepy voice and writing down what I say) Ok.

When I was a child, I used to entertain myself by waiting until my mother had just drifted off to sleep in her chair.  I would then tell her alarming but false information in hopes of getting a good reaction. Unfortunately, I was a dull and useless little boy, so the best I could come up with was "Ma! The chicken's burning!"

Sometimes she would answer, muttering outrageous things like "take it out of the oven, then".

This was going to be as funny as that.

Me: Bacon moustache.

Wife: (Don't forget, it's me) Is that even a thing? 

Me: It is now-HA HA!

Wife: OMG. Hunger Games.

Me: I'm going to laugh out loud.

Wife: Oh no you don't, I'll wake up.

Me: Then I can tell you how funny you were in your sleep.

Wife: Yeah! I'd like that. I'm a big laugher.

Me: Yes you are.


The whole thing deteriorated from there. 

Eventually, my wife does wake up because I have like the loudest, spittiest whisper in the world.

Wife: Why are you squeezing my face?

(long pause)

Me: I can't stop loving this faaaaace.

Wife: Please turn out the light.

Me: Ok.


  1. I read this with my sig-other [Maris], and she laughed out loud - which, I promise you, is a rare and wondrous thing, where blog-reading is concerned. So, you know, bravo! I laughed out loud as well, but I always do, so, you know, smaller bravo.

    Still - your hilarious convo misfires are just as hilarious as the best hilarious convo posts I've read. Well-done, and I'm totally sharing this on Facebook, so be prepared to receive upwards of fifteen more hits...

  2. You should neVer do this again. Someone could get their eye poked out. Or maybe even both eyes. Write stuff down? Why, that's why I live with an iPad. I finally found decent art app so that I can get some real work done at home.

    1. Wow, I sounded bossy there, I meant to be siLLy.

    2. I know, it's shameful in this day and age to poke about with pens and paper. I live so dangerously...

  3. "Let's be amusing about bacon."

    Best sentence ever. I'm totally going to start using it and then it will totally become a thing and then this whole faux conversation you had with yourself/wifepuppet will not have been in vain.

    1. ha ha-thanks Danielle! I was happy to see your comment!

    2. I think amusing things about bacon has actually jumped the shark already... I mean google it:

  4. I wub woo Gween.

  5. Hahaha and...
    I wish I had to animate my husband's face to make him talk... I do

    1. If he's jowly like I am, you should give his face a squeeze. I find my own to be quite satisfying to smoosh on

  6. Me: "Banter, damn you!"
    Wife: "Why are you talking to me?"
    Me: "Errrr...I like corn."
    Wife: "You what now?"

    I can't force it either. Fun post, Mr Brick!

  7. I love that you have her in curlers. Makes me happy.