I have one of those others, so I approached her to begin a hilarious conversation.
But I forgot what the conversation was about.
How do all those bloggers keep track of that stuff?
Recording devices are way out of my budget.
Pen and paper are always an option, I suppose, but what if writing the conversation down disrupts the flow of it?
If I asked her to help me remember, then she'd know I was going to put everything she says on the Internet. She might act different, like when you point a camera at someone and suddenly they turn very sexy or use their hands superfluously while they talk.
Me: A lot of people are worried about the zombie apocalypse.
Wife: Do you mind shutting the bathroom door?
Me: Oh sorry, sure.
Me: Do you think it's something we should be worried about?
Wife: What? I can't hear you through the bathroom door.
It's possible that my wife has humor swings. There might be times when she is more or less apt to engage in hilarious conversations.
Sometimes people laugh really hard when they think something terrible has happened, but then find out suddenly that it didn't happen after all, and right then you engage them in a conversation that is as clever as it is funny.
Me: I'm suddenly dead.
Me: I mean, people we love have died suddenly.
Wife: Yes, that's true.
Me: Recently, and in terrible ways.
Wife: Geez, you're a real downer today.
Me: I'm depressed.
Nothing was coming together the way the Internet said it should.
However, I've heard that there are people who say hilarious things in their sleep. Like whole fantastic conversations, carried on in the night.
I wait until my wife is asleep, and then I get out my notebook.
No sound comes out.
I agonize over the ethics involved in what I am about to do.
Me: Let's be amusing about bacon.
Wife: (Not really. It's me, talking in a high, sleepy voice and writing down what I say) Ok.
When I was a child, I used to entertain myself by waiting until my mother had just drifted off to sleep in her chair. I would then tell her alarming but false information in hopes of getting a good reaction. Unfortunately, I was a dull and useless little boy, so the best I could come up with was "Ma! The chicken's burning!"
Sometimes she would answer, muttering outrageous things like "take it out of the oven, then".
This was going to be as funny as that.
Me: Bacon moustache.
Wife: (Don't forget, it's me) Is that even a thing?
Me: It is now-HA HA!
Wife: OMG. Hunger Games.
Me: I'm going to laugh out loud.
Wife: Oh no you don't, I'll wake up.
Me: Then I can tell you how funny you were in your sleep.
Wife: Yeah! I'd like that. I'm a big laugher.
Me: Yes you are.
The whole thing deteriorated from there.
Eventually, my wife does wake up because I have like the loudest, spittiest whisper in the world.
Wife: Why are you squeezing my face?
Me: I can't stop loving this faaaaace.
Wife: Please turn out the light.