Monday, March 4, 2013

The immense burden of having a hot wife

I don't want to brag or anything, but I have a pretty hot wife.

She is really easy to draw, too, because she has only two teeth and her hairline can always be accurately represented by the letter 'V'.

I met my hot wife when I was drunk at a party.

If you are in the market for a hot wife, try being drunk at a party.

Here are some other places I have seen hot wives:

-At a coffee shop

-One time at the grocery store

-At  the library there was sort of one

-In one of my Japanese comic books that are called manga

-I drew one in my notebook. She looked like this:


If you were drunk at a party, you might have a chance with her, but I don't know. She has high standards, and she is also not a real person; it could get complicated.

Here are some problems I have run into because of having a hot wife:

-When she talks to me, I cannot pay attention to her words because I am only thinking about how hot she is

-I have trouble sleeping because I just want to lay and stare at her all night. Then I have to wake her up and ask her to change her facial expression because I am bored of looking at the current one.

-In pictures of us together, it looks like an angel standing next to a bowel movement. She is the angel in this example.

If I ever discovered my hot wife cheating on me, I would not even be mad.

It would just validate for me all the terrible things I have ever thought about myself, and I really enjoy being right.

However, as hot as my wife is, she has some secret drawbacks.

She likes a television program called "The Bachelor". I think it is a game show where prostitutes try to win the sexual attraction of a cardboard cut-out named "Brad".

Sometimes she wants to discuss with me what happened on "The Bachelor", even though I myself did not watch it.

I feel sad when this happens.

Another one of my hot wife's drawbacks is that men always stare at her and completely ignore me, which hurts my feelings because I have a hard time making friends, and I thought having a hot wife would be a good ice breaker but it hasn't worked out that way.

One time at the bus station, I asked a man if he would like to come home with me and sit and watch my hot wife talk and make dinner.

He called me an erotic name and attempted to kick me in my buttocks.

When I was drunk and met my wife for the first time at that party I mentioned, I gave her a bendy figure of Chewbacca as a token of my affection.

That is only one of many ways to get a hot wife.


I also let a few dollar bills "accidentally" fall out of my pocket. I then intimated that there was more where they had come from. I said I thought there might be seven or eight more anyways, and would that be enough to replace the rug I had urinated on when I could not get my pants down in time.

Then I tried to suggestively rub her hot hair with one leg of my wet trousers. She said yuck and stop it, which is what hot women say when they want to marry you.

Because old people are ugly, I know that one day, my hot wife will join them. All our troubles will be over, and we will finish out our lives as two hideous people sitting around in big diapers and holding hands.


35 comments:

  1. Hot women like guys with a sense of humor, and bendy Star Wars action figures apparently. I love this post, but I do believe you may be downplaying your own charms just a bit. Sounds like you guys are a match made in reality show television (but more like the Trista/Ryan succesful Bachelorette season than the other dismal pairings).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no, if anything, Marianne, I am overselling my attributes here.

      Delete
  2. Hubs snagged his hot wife (i.e. me) by sitting next to her outside a college classroom and saying the article she had just picked up to read looked "boring." Worked like a charm.

    Hubs is only one year older than I am, but his hair is already turning gray (probably due to the stress of having such a hot wife), so people always think that he is 30 or 40, and that I am his daughter. He's kind of like a nifty prop that makes me look younger everywhere I go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trophy husband. I like his approach to meeting someone; criticize what they are showing interest in. I am stealing it next time I need a hot wife.

      Delete
  3. As a hot wife, you have helped me understand my husband's hardship. I believe it may make him sad as well thatI insist upon discussing the intricacies of The Biggest Loser when he does not watch nor care about the program even though he should because...ME.
    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are welcome! I have never seen the biggest loser, but someone told me it has fat children falling off of treadmills, so I guess it is pretty similar to the Bachelor.

      Delete
  4. I tried to indicate or use my wife's hotness the other day for cooking. Our microwave oven was broke and my wife wanted to know how she was going to warm up a refrigerated cinnamon roLL. I told her to hold it between her hands. She did not think was funny. I then suggested that she put it under her arm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA HA you're comment totally caught me off guard-that is the exact kind of thing I would say to my wife

      Delete
  5. Hmmm...this is a tricky situation. My husband tells me I'm hot, but frankly, I don't believe him. I suppose it only matters if HE thinks I'm hot, right? In other news, I make him grow/wear/keep? a goatee to hide his baby face so I don't look like the crone who robbed the cradle, so to speak.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Take it from me: you are really hot. I especially like the way your blue background goes with the darker blue of your featureless face. It is very harmonious and pleasing to the eye.

      Delete
    2. Oh, stop. You're making me blush.

      Delete
  6. An angel standing next to a bowel movement.

    How romantic!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I stole that line from the title of the 1947 movie "Angel and the Bowel Movement"-it starred Michael Landon and a bowel movement wearing a small pair of overalls. The ending always made me cry, when Landon would chase the rabid bowel movement away from the family farm because he knew that was what was best for it.

      Delete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It is my goal in life to make you super famous. I'm not sure how I'll do it.

    I have a super hot husband and I look like a bowl of forgotten oatmeal.

    My now husband gave me a box of 6 crayons and a beaded lobster necklace from Red Lobster on our fourth date. He got some that night.

    I deleted my above comment because my my bad spellling.

    SIncerely,
    Elpoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Restuarant crayons! I love those. If your husband had given me some of those, I probably would have married him too, or at least let him get to second base.

      Delete
    2. He's been asking about you. A little too much, you know?

      Delete
  9. You are not out of the woods yet. I know of several hot old people. Well, they're hot if you factor out their vein riddled hands and hammer toes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually felt bad after I wrote that....of course I was joking, but it sounded kind of harsh about old people. My friends made fun of me one time when I thought an old Italian woman I saw on the street was incredibly beautiful. I hate friends.

      Delete
  10. I think that you are my favourite person on the internets.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHAT???? You are an immense flatterer and i don't believe you for a second-but thank you!

      Delete
  11. That is perhaps the best description of The Bachelor I've ever heard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kellie! It is based soley on my third-hand impressio of the show and might not be accurate

      Delete
  12. I can safely say feel your pain, my friend since I myself managed to obtain a hot wife. I snagged mine by acting like a blubbering idiot whenever she got close. I have since used that same strategy to maintain her presence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I resort to that tactic too, especially when she won't take me down the toy aisle at Target

      Delete
  13. Your wife is truly lovely. I know this for a fact because I may or may not be an uber cyber stalker and I tend to feel the need to compare myself to other hot wives.

    My husband did not give me a bendy Chewbacca, which I'm pretty sure means your wife is hotter than I am.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HEY quit stalking! "bendy Chewbacca" is actually a euphemism for poop in our house

      Delete
    2. Well, in that case he DID give me a Bendy Chewbacca.

      Delete
  14. I just read this aloud to my hot wife. She finds it reassuring that our troubles will soon be over. Tomorrow, we're going to get fitted for our gigantic diapers. We can't thank you enough for our sparkly new outlook!

    ReplyDelete
  15. It's a pity you don't have a donate button! I'd certainly donate to this brilliant blog! I guess for now i'll settle for
    book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.

    I look forward to brand new updates and will talk about this site with my
    Facebook group. Talk soon!

    Look at my blog post lost Data

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ermmmm... there's a donate button right at the top, oh brilliant spammer...

      I double dawg dare you to put your money where your mouth is.

      Delete
  16. My wife is hot, I know realize this thanks to you!

    ReplyDelete
  17. just stumbled across this blog, hilarious! slightly reminiscent of kurt vonnegut at moments because the statements are so simple and therefore a little more profound hahaha! would love for you to let me shove mine down your throat http://foodweedwine.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have asthma. If I die tonight it will be your fault for making me laugh so damn hard.

    I can't breathe.

    (By the way, asthma is a total babe magnet)

    ReplyDelete