Monday, January 14, 2013

Just a little update











Let me begin by saying I was going to lie to all of you.

I have maintained a certain level of honesty and integrity on this blog, and yet this morning I perched on an ethical ledge and stared out into the vast emptiness of fabrication.

 I was going to tell a lie about a leg.

My amputee student was fortunate enough to receive a prosthetic leg.

I guess it's kind of cool; you can't sign it or anything like you can with a cast.

It's more for walking.

But that doesn't matter; none of it matters.

So anyways, I was going to lie and say I was responsible for taking care of the leg, because I am good with legos and its kind of like putting one of those minifigures together.

And then I was going to say, with my usual insightful and amusing self-deprecation, how I stupidly put the leg on him the wrong way and darn it aren't I so amusingly inept when it comes to mechanical things? Har dee har fat joke bald/nude drawing/fecal reference amusing the end.

This gweenbrick shtick writes itself.

However.

Now I am so angry and hurt because I feel like I have to lie because someone else got to put the leg on the wrong way before me, and I cannot take ownership of such an amusing anecdote.

I like to be the epicenter of any hilarious goings ons; I hate living life on the dorky perimeter.

For example, I occasionally flagellate myself by logging into Twitter.

On that web page I sometimes find people who are quite good at being funny, so naturally I try to join right in with them.

If you like to describe things, you may describe my Tweeting as "painful" or "oh no" or "please close the laptop and come to bed sweetie please."







It hurts so much when I reread my Tweets. I am like a well-meaning father coming upon his teen aged children making hilarious jokes and attempting to get in on the hijinks with his dated impersonation of Amos and Andy; it tries too hard and is wearing blackface.

Which brings me back to the leg thing.

I don't know who attached it incorrectly to his stump, but the end result was a loose and swirly prosthetic leg and a poor man finding himself continually turning in circles.

He would start moving forward and then go "Whoa! Whoa!" as his body began another rotation. 

As people rushed to help him, all I could do is stand there and think, "I wish it had been me...."

I guess I feel the loss a little more keenly as I have completely lost my ability to come up with good ideas.

My internal life, my creative gears, have come to a halt.

Do I begin to lie or just never post? The chasm yawns beneath me.

Why do chasms yawn?
Because they are tired. I wish the word "tired" contained some kind of meaning that related to "chasms" so that what I just wrote could be a hilarious joke for Twitter. But it doesn't and it won't.

Like when I put one of my jokes on a website of jokes and right afterwards someone wrote, "Man, all the jokes are terrible on here now."

I am sorry to say that might sum up my mental state at the moment.

43 comments:

  1. "Why do chasms yawn?"

    "Because they're tired."

    Hi.Freaking.Larious.


    Personally? I don't care what you post... I just like reading your blog. I think you're brilliant.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey thanks Cupcake! I wish I had a steady stream of ideas to keep you entertained-but I am in a real dry patch for some reason

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  2. Replies
    1. That is a very Southern perspective, Kelly-here in the frigid north we like our stories to be truthful, anticlimactic, and not comfortable with outward shows of affection

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  3. Your description of making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or washing a car or ANYTHING would be hilarious. You can do no wrong, Gween... We love ya :)

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    Replies
    1. Yay! I love love, especially from a distance where no small talk is involved.

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  4. Replies
    1. After I drew that, I was disturbed by how shapely and attractive I made myself-the truth is much whiter and pancakey

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  5. It's not a lie if you truly believe it. Post away!

    Pictures of half-naked Tweeters are pretty much what Tumblr is for, right?

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    Replies
    1. Good one! I never knew Tumblr had a naughty reputation until i signed up; all of a sudden there was intercourse on my computer screen. I felt confused and full of questions.

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  6. You have the buttocks of a much younger man.

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    Replies
    1. I think all the little butts I have to wipe around here have skewed my perception of what my own behemothic ass looks like

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  7. You're amazing Gween. I've recently caught up on all your posts and honestly I think we'll read anything you blog about. I don't mean that in a bad way... You always shed your certain shade of light onto any subject and make it more appealing and funny. You're a great guy and we all love ya!

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    1. Justin-my newest follower! Thanks for going back and reading all that old stuff-it is extremely flattering and pleasing to me when someone takes the time to do that. You have no idea.

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  8. I'd rather read about the lies you haven't told than read anything about the Kardashians, and they are on the internet, like, every day.

    Tell us about the time you met Sly Stallone at the laundromat. That was a good day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There was a time, not so long ago, when I could honestly say, "who are the Kardashians?" But they have so effectively permeated the culture that there is no safe harbor anymore. They are as dull as they are ubiquitous.

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  9. "Why do chasms yawn? Because they are tired."

    ...you know what, you're set right there. You did good. Nice one. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Ha! Thanks. It's all downhill from here.....if that is even possible....it's all below sea level from now on (?)

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  10. I wonder why your pictures are smaLLer than normal (?).

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    1. I figured out a tired & chasm piece for you. 'tired' is close to being backwards 'dirt' and a chasm is like a piece of the earth where the dirt has been eroded away. Now, if we could just find a language where chasm backwards -msahc- meant 'dirt' or 'tired', then we would reaLLy have somethin'. I wiLL google it.

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    2. Surprise! MSAHC - Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center ... Now I am pretty sure Mount Sinai is the opposite of a chasm ....

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    3. Pictures smaller-Blogger is having problems with image uploading, not sure why
      So, if I understand you correctly, the joke in question has now become "Why do chasms dirt? Because they are Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center."
      I'll take it; it's not any worse then the rest of the crap jokes I have in my repertoire.

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  11. Man, all the blog posts are terrible on here now.







    j/k

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    Replies
    1. That's what I'm saying!!!!
      not j/k if j/k means "joke", if it doesn't, then maybe j/k, depending on meaning

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    2. j/k means "just kidding". I couldn't resist the opportunity to make an ironic reply based on the "all the jokes are terrible on here now", which even in itself is ironic, because it was a joke that was fairly terrible commenting on the idea that you alone hold that all the blog posts on here are terrible now. But i didn't want you to think that I really thought that your blog posts were terrible, so I added the "j/k". Follow me? (I'm not sure I led anywhere.) Does making an ironic comment about irony make me a hipster?

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  12. "I tweet naked because my body makes me laugh."

    Definitely my quote of the day.

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    Replies
    1. You can steal it as much as you want, but if you have a great body then people might just think you are being weirdly vain

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  13. I feel the same, although I take comfort from the fact that, over the next day or so, I will undoubtedly f**k something up to an hilarious and entertaining degree.

    That's a very good depiction of Meganamram btw!

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    Replies
    1. I wish I had your life, the Jules-living in Englad, f asteriksing things up hilariously, making all the lights and sounds go on an ambulance, eating in your ambulance, looking important when you dismount from your ambulance
      Er...is it in England or Australia where they call it "dismounting" when they exit a vehicle?
      dismount the lorry

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  14. It all starts with drawing yourself a tight, perky butt next you'll abandon blogland for tweetsville... Horrors!!!

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    Replies
    1. i can't do tweeting because I need a lot of room to explain myself before I come up with anything funny

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  15. I can't do legos or draw butts. I want my blog to write itself. This sh*t is awesome.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Marianne! I am doing a butt drawing class next month on youtube; you are welcome to attend

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  16. I play the love/love me not game with millipedes instead of butterflies because I like the suspense.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ewww-millipedes are gross and notoriously bad at guessing if he loves me

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    2. I feel less guilty about crippling one, but I never get the response I'm hoping for. Just unlucky in love, I guess.

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  17. "It hurts so much when I reread my Tweets. I am like a well-meaning father coming upon his teen aged children making hilarious jokes and attempting to get in on the hijinks with his dated impersonation of Amos and Andy; it tries too hard and is wearing blackface."

    I know exactly, exactly how you feel. So many times of going back, re-reading it, feeling anxious, going outside for a bit, then seeing it again, wondering if maybe you should delete it before more people see it...

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    1. Also, I would never have thought to get a twitter before because I don't understand what it is and think it is retarded (sorry), but for what it's worth, I'd get one to follow you.

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    2. Oh no Olga, don't get on there. Its not just me failing to be funny, its millions of people. Its like the death of humor on there.
      Run away.
      And as always, thanks for reading!

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    3. Sounds like an epidemic. Someone signal Batman.

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