Thursday, September 27, 2012

Me the fool

We had three new students start this week.

All three are young, African-American, and high functioning, meaning that they walk into our classroom, smell the smells, see the sights, and wonder how their life choices could have possibly lead them to this unsanitary educational precipice.

One of them needs a little assistance in the bathroom.

I am not used to talking to kids who have a high enough functioning level where they are aware of and/or embarrassed of their predicament.

I am not really that used to talking all together.

In my defense.

So he has a catheter he runs through a hole in his belly, and I was just standing there watching, so of course I felt compelled to fill the silence with stupid pratter.

Me: So does that hurt?

Curtis: No.

Me:Does it feel like someone poking you in the belly with their finger or something?

Curtis: No.

.....long silence......

Me: What does it feel like?

Curtis: It feels like a little plastic tube going into my stomach.

Me: Oh. (turning red)

.....long silence (trickle of pee)....

Curtis recently had his foot amputated.

Again, in my defense, I have never been around an amputee before. I don't know what is considered safe or off-limits for amputee discussion, and his awareness and brightness of mind have thrown me out of my Special Ed Whisperer groove.

I decided to directly address the bandaged up elephant in the room.

Me: So did you see that guy in the Olympics who ran with no feet?

Curtis looked down.

Curtis: No, I didn't want to watch it cause I'd just had my surgery. I was kinda depressed....

Me: Oh.

......long silence.....

I put my hands on his bandaged stump because I was trying to pretend I was totally cool and comfortable with everything.

It felt kind of like I imagined Winter's tailess backend would feel; muscular, thick, but with no functional conclusion.

Can you even say 'stump' in this day and age?? 

Me: Does it hurt?

Curtis: No.

Me: Have you ever heard of phantom limb?

He looked at me blankly.

Me: do you ever forget that its gone?

Curtis: Sometimes I feel like my foot still be there, and I go to stand on it and fall over....

.....long silence......I decided not to ask if he ever feels like his foot is itching or if someone goes 'tickle tickle' in the air right where it would be tickly if indeed he felt like he was being tickled.

By this time I am really shifting around and uncomfortable.

I hate having social awkwardness with the students.

If I can't act completely foolish or sit there in stony silence, count me out from having to interact with the human race.

Me: So, why...uh.. why do you have the catheter anyways?

Curtis: That's how I, you know, go to the bathroom. For the other stuff I do that at home. With an enema.

At this point I should have just shut up, but
Me: So is it because you don't have any feeling in your penis, like feeling when you have to go pee?

Curtis: I guess so.

...long silence....

Me: Do you have a penis?

This question was not entirely without merit, since I have had students who did not have a penis in the traditional sense. More like a flap, or second belly button.

He gave me a strange look..

Curtis: Yeah, I have a penis.

After awhile, he sighed.

Curtis: I'm done now.

Me:Ok.

I helped him up and hurried out of the bathroom.

Anyways, thought I would share that in absence of any real post.

I have one that I am working on, but the current rate of drawing is about one picture an hour, so in 2014 sometime, prepare to be blown away by my brilliant creation.

Today at the shoe store I saw a middle age lady stumble on something and then try to pass it off like she was just dancing to the Famous Footwear music.

Then she picked up a shoe, pressed her face right into it, and said aloud, "This is a good shoe."

It was neat.

45 comments:

  1. I miss working with you, Mike. You're a great guy!

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    1. Thanks, uh...you! I miss whoever you might be, as well.

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    2. Did we all just learn your real name?

      I feel like the Stig was just unmasked. I'm not sure I wanted that...

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    3. Oh no! Except I don't know what the Stig is.....
      however, if I had a really cool name, you all would have known it a long time ago, as it is, have some bologna

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  2. Then she picked up a shoe, pressed her face right into it, and said aloud, "This is a good shoe."

    Replace "a shoe" with "this blog", and that's exactly what I do.

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    1. Yay Alan that just moved into one of my favorite comments ever column

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  3. *slow clap*

    I'm a little surprised, however, that you didn't ask him if he had phantom penis.

    And kind of disappointed.

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    1. Cupcake, I wrote that in a hurry-you can just imagine how awkward the situation really was because I did not do it justice-I totally could not keep my mouth shut.
      However, phantom penis was thankfully outside my vocabulary..at that time, at least.
      Thanks a lot.

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  4. Famous Footwear does have pretty good Muzak. :)

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    1. No Kevin, no! Famous Footwear plays the soundtrack of Hell.

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  5. Oh wow. I think you win the prize for "Most Awkward Bathroom Conversation Ever." Wait. Is any bathroom conversation not awkward? Hmm... Well, anyway, I sure love the trip-dancing shoe lady! That's what a good shoe will do for ya'!

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    Replies
    1. I guess thats what happens when you underestimate someone's self-awareness....plus I was having an extra stupid day all around

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  6. Nothing good ever comes from asking somebody, "Do you have a penis?"

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  7. I wonder if a hoarse whisperer would be like a Stevie Nicks at low volume.

    That appeared to be a veRy difficult situation. My difficult situation this week was an elderly lady who kept harrassing me by wanting a 10% off everything. At one point she caLLed me dumb for not knowing the intricate details of my wife's shirt printing process. After my wife finaLLy made it to the store from her med appointment so I could leave I suddenly realized that I should have adjusted the price of the three things she would be paying for after her hair salon treatment. I would have temporarily raised the price a few cents in the POS system then when I saw her neXt time I would have allowed her that much discount, 2¢ an item.

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    1. ugh-dealing with the public can be so exasperating-Sorry you had to endure the verbal abuse, esb-that is really obnoxious

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    2. I was pretty sure she was joking, I think I made her day by acting exasperated, as I had met her the week before while my wife was working on her hair.

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  8. That was a whole lot of awkward going on, which makes me wonder all over again how people commit to entire careers in your field. You must really like humanity. Or are you trying to make up for some awful stuff you did as a kid? I'm at a loss. Either way, you're a better person than I, Gween.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did some pretty awful stuff as a kid, I guess....I boxed my sister in the face one time, I uh I got drunk on sabbath wine...but no, Marianne, no way am I a better person than you

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  9. Are those 3-in-a-row comments spam or just 3 people with interesting names and vague sentiments to convey?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are spam, but they are such nice spam it's hard to quarintine them

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  10. And by the way.... I'd rather eat my weight in dirt than have a socially adequate conversation with a member of the general public.
    It requires energy and skills that I lack.

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    Replies
    1. People in Georgia like to eat the dirt there, but I am not sure if they eat their weight in it. They might just chew it.

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  11. Ohhhh.
    Really I can see a sit com on this subject, you have oodles of material. Gweenbrick you could have your own tv series. It's a goer!

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    Replies
    1. Julie, so sorry I have missed your last few comments! I am glad you are visiting again.
      I am betting that a Gweenbrick sitcom would be in very bad taste and shunned by the general public. Probably.

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    2. I don't know. It could have the awkward appeal of "The Office" (especially the super-awkward British version). Maybe you should give Ricky Gervais a call?

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    3. Yes to the awkward appeal and no to the Ricky Gervais call - he's already famous. Give someone else a go at fame...
      I don't think it would be shunned as it would shine a playful light on the subject the same way sit coms about gays, negroes (is it okay to used that word?), dNew Zealanders...haha

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    4. I don't think you can say negroes anymore.
      Pretty sure....
      Is there really a thing between Australia and New Zealand? I thought that was just a Flight of the Concords joke...

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    5. Flight of the Conchords? Wow Gween you know more about our neighbours than I.
      Actually the New Zealand/Australian thing is probably a bit like the Canadian/American thing...

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  12. i was the famous footware dancer... or so it seems

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    1. I thought as much...you seem like the type who would sniff a shoe to determine its quality

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  13. Hilarious as ever, I'm glad that when I do step back into the blogonet you are still here.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Cowgirl! You never come 'round no mo'. Thanks for your kind words!

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  14. Hahahahaha, This is awesome. Do believe I am going to start following you. :)

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    Replies
    1. YAY! I love new followers; they are so shiny and unjaded

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    2. Aw man, I want followers. I think anyone who follows me are the spammers from Algeria, China and India... but then again, they never leave any spam messages. Maybe they're saving up for a big one!

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  15. Wow - that's a tough one...I feel for you. I wonder if there's a way you can relate to that guy, since you're probably both better people than your respective positions allow you to be. Hey, maybe for once you don't have to play like a clown to be the hopeful gleam in someone's eye. Good luck!

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