Quick my heart, and berby stir

I must too fast my wordys be
for today is inservice day

GAADABADAM I LOVE ME A GOOD INSURVICE!

Lacking access to Greenwich Mean Time, I was late for the inservice day.

Which is a little unfortunate, since they chose this particular morning to honor me for ten years of service in front of several hundred staff members.

One can only imagine the awkwardness: the Supertintrident clutching my certificate and 25.00 Target gift card, repeating my name into the microphone; so many educators turning their heads, munching their mini-Snickers, looking around for me and only me.

Like Tom Sawyer at his own funeral, I wish I had been in the rafters, watching them say nice things about me.

I discovered having a blog is a similar experience to this.

I also dreamt last night that I was a stick of gum, being placed carefully into a backpack.

I kept waving one gummy hand to the dreaming me.

Here is what it looked like, sort of:

Darn it.

I have a much better sketch of this haunting image here in my hand, but I can't scan it into the computer.

It's drawn on the back of my Explanation of Benefits package, which is a neat document wherein they explain how all my paychecks are silly because they are not made of money anymore, just deductibles and marshmallow fluff.

You will never see the artistry I hold in my hand, the bold lines that describe the impossible, the man of gum waving goodnaturedly to the man of flesh.

You won't see it because our technology department did something awesome.

They updated our computer but none of our peripherals. The second these became Windows 7 machines, our printers, scanners, and cameras became oddly shaped and impractical paper weights.

How did they not notice the obvious age and obscurity of our scanner?

For crying out loud, it consists of a little man named Walter who takes what you want scanned and draws a copy of it directly onto your monitor.

So having a blog is like being present at your own funeral, lurking nearby, in that sometimes people talk about you on the Internet without your knowledge.

For example, I got a few hits from something called "Get off My Internets".

Someone on there wrote, in reference to me, "sometimes I read him and think, that dude needs a therapist.."
which I thought was pretty good.

Luckily this was posted in the section titled "Stay on My Internets", which was very flattering.

So if you want to talk about me somewhere on the Internet, please do, which is basically the pointless summation of this pointless digression.

But all that to the side, I missed my recognition and had to ask someone what they said about me.

She thought for a moment, "Um...they said, 'does anyone know where he is?'"

YES!

Take that, all you doubters of my competency!

Give me the Target card, I'm off to buy Legos and a Moon Pie on this fine, fine inservice day.