Thursday, August 30, 2012

Quick my heart, and berby stir

I must too fast my wordys be
for today is inservice day

GAADABADAM I LOVE ME A GOOD INSURVICE!




Lacking access to Greenwich Mean Time, I was late for the inservice day.

Which is a little unfortunate, since they chose this particular morning to honor me for ten years of service in front of several hundred staff members.

One can only imagine the awkwardness: the Supertintrident clutching my certificate and 25.00 Target gift card, repeating my name into the microphone; so many educators turning their heads, munching their mini-Snickers, looking around for me and only me.

Like Tom Sawyer at his own funeral, I wish I had been in the rafters, watching them say nice things about me.

I discovered having a blog is a similar experience to this.

I also dreamt last night that I was a stick of gum, being placed carefully into a backpack.

I kept waving one gummy hand to the dreaming me.

Here is what it looked like, sort of:


Darn it.

I have a much better sketch of this haunting image here in my hand, but I can't scan it into the computer.

It's drawn on the back of my Explanation of Benefits package, which is a neat document wherein they explain how all my paychecks are silly because they are not made of money anymore, just deductibles and marshmallow fluff.

You will never see the artistry I hold in my hand, the bold lines that describe the impossible, the man of gum waving goodnaturedly to the man of flesh.

You won't see it because our technology department did something awesome.

They updated our computer but none of our peripherals. The second these became Windows 7 machines, our printers, scanners, and cameras became oddly shaped and impractical paper weights.

How did they not notice the obvious age and obscurity of our scanner?

For crying out loud, it consists of a little man named Walter who takes what you want scanned and draws a copy of it directly onto your monitor.



So having a blog is like being present at your own funeral, lurking nearby, in that sometimes people talk about you on the Internet without your knowledge.

For example, I got a few hits from something called "Get off My Internets".

Someone on there wrote, in reference to me, "sometimes I read him and think, that dude needs a therapist.."
which I thought was pretty good.

Luckily this was posted in the section titled "Stay on My Internets", which was very flattering.

So if you want to talk about me somewhere on the Internet, please do, which is basically the pointless summation of this pointless digression.

But all that to the side, I missed my recognition and had to ask someone what they said about me.

She thought for a moment, "Um...they said, 'does anyone know where he is?'"

YES!

Take that, all you doubters of my competency!

Give me the Target card, I'm off to buy Legos and a Moon Pie on this fine, fine inservice day.




30 comments:

  1. I, too, often wonder where my peepee go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I almost wrote "where my peener go" but then I thought I might have to pay your son royalties, since he coined the term "peener".
      Which is maybe something he should leave off of job applications.

      Delete
  2. I would totally come to your funeral and talk about you, if you died close by and nobody could afford to repatriate your remains.

    Dedication, that is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The true nature of a friend is revealed in the distance they are willing to travel for your funeral."
      -The Noid, former Dominos Pizza mascot

      Delete
  3. I like gummy man. I don't want to get too serious here, but let's just say I'm personally going through some bad stuff and one thing that's been important in all of this is for me to tell people how important it is to tell ones you love how much you love them while they are with you. For that matter, tell people around you good things. You never know when the time will come and they won't be there any more. Say it now. Don't wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry for whatever it is you're going through. My son and my mom died recently and there is so much I wish I had said and done.It doesn't help when people tell you that "You can't go back, blah,blah, blah". I know they mean well, but NOPE.

      Delete
    2. Thanks so much Brenda. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in June and my father died suddenly 2 weeks ago.

      I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know your heart is broken. I wish I could say something that would make the pain go away.

      The only thing I think we have to keep in mind is that grief is something we have to go through, not around. If we don't go through it, it will just come back to bite us later.

      One day at a time.

      Peace and comfort to you.

      Delete
    3. Yikes! All of that sounds extremely difficult to deal with. My sympathy goes out to both of you.

      Delete
    4. You'll probably never come back and see this, but I just want to tell you both that I'm thinking about you. :(

      Delete
  4. Which Lego set did you buy? The last one I purchased was a present for my older son for his birthday last year. It was in the architecture series, #21009, The Farnsworth House.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hmmm, my comment disk-appeared ....

    ReplyDelete
  6. Congratulations! Oh, and did you know that Target is now officially cheaper than Walmart? It said so on the internet. Maybe you'll be able to get 2 moonpies instead of just one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The internet never lies Brenda. And 2 moonpies would kill me.

      Delete
  7. I can't think of anything better right now than Legos and Moonpies...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ....the money to buy them with tops it for me...
      as far as better things go

      Delete
  8. I could play with Legos for hours. When my son was little he hated me for that. Now, all of a sudden, I have a craving for moon pies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, they are one of the best inventions ever; both items under discussion, actually

      Delete
  9. It's good to have you back. And nice to see the Turtleneck of Seriousness, even if it was only half on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Danny. I never realized just how creepy your profile picture is.

      Delete
  10. I had a comment disappear from another blog earlier today as weLL, and it was on a close friend's blog named Rob, so strange things may be happening at blogger ....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rob found that my comments on his blog had gone to the spam folder.

      Delete
  11. Well crafted pictorial representation I must say...great impression is created now in my mind regarding this high class effort of the author...at firs instance it was looking like a comic to me but I came to the fact that it is great presentation of human behaviors..

    essay

    ReplyDelete
  12. Can you " belief" this shit?
    500 people signing up for ELAPIE ?
    At least have the balls to say you 're into DIYRIGH 5.
    Carmen Changg did.
    She even mentioned AATORIZ 3.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no! I am so sorry, but I don't understand this. Do you have the wrong number? Please comment again and let me know what you are talking about.

      Delete
  13. There was a bit where you talked about computers, and I couldn't understand a word of it. I did read 'Walter,' which made me think of Breaking Bad, and that's never bad.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Bahahaha @ "Where my peepee go". I got a few hits from that Get Off My Internets thread too (not many...about 10ish). When I saw that title in my analytics, I felt afraid. I don't really want to get off anyone's internets. I'm glad that I get to stay.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I like gummy man. I don't want to get too serious here, but let's just say I'm personally going through some bad stuff and one thing that's been important in all of this is for me to tell people how important it is to tell ones you love how much you love them while they are with you.

    ReplyDelete