Thursday, June 14, 2012

Product Review: The World Around Me



I realized that, after all this time of blogging, I have been very secretive about many aspects of my life; some would even say I have been cold, removed, unapproachable.


This Product Review aims to shatter the barrier between I and thou.


Every morning for breakfast, I eat peanut butter spread evenly on a low carbohydrate tortilla.


Sometimes, depending on my mood, I substitute a flat bread half or "Pita Pocket" for the tortilla.


On days when I realize I bought "smooth" or "creamy" peanut butter instead of "crunchy", I feel bad and approach the rest of the workday with an unpleasant attitude.


Rarely, but it has happened, I have made the mistake of buying the truly natural kind of peanut butter that is quite runny and needs to have the oil gushed back into the blended peanuts.


The appearance of that particular kind of peanut butter calls to my mind many memories of seeing someone's diarrhea, and consequently I am unable to eat it.


The tortilla is low carbohydrate because I am always watching my figure.




This is the school snack cupboard.


After eating my low carbohydrate tortilla or Pit Pocket, I hang out here for awhile.


Just looking.


And sometimes feeling.


This is also where I display my prized collection of Ketchup or Catsup bottles.




Sigh.


This picture makes me so happy, but it also makes me feel guilty for being so materialistic.


There is a famous story of a saint who had to choose between his collection of beer steins and his devotion to God.


I guess I will have plenty of Ketchup for dipping fries in Hell.


At the Hell cafeteria.


Maybe no one else will have clung so desperately to Ketchup, and I will be able to profit from it in the patchwork barter-based economy of Hell.


Like I will say stuff like those fries look terribly dry and unsatisfying without Ketchup, and the person eating the fries will sigh, and ask me what it is going to cost them this time.


If they have bootleg movies on video tape to trade, I might take that, but maybe just a couple cigarettes because I am already dead so I can smoke again.


Though I will probably have to befriend the man who chose his prize collection of little paper condiment cups over God.


I guess we could team up, as long as he follows that motto von deferis of dealing, that is, "Don't Get High On Your Own Supply".


This one is probably my favorite:


 It has a very clean line to it, and reminds me of a beautiful woman who is just standing around, like it captures the ordinarily glamorous woman in a moment of simple humanity, as if she was making poop or snoring in a study room at the library.


This one is good too:




It's mustard.






This is the school coffee pot.


Without it, there would be no Gweenbrick, but there would be a lot more toilet paper in the staff bathroom.




These are my friends Scott and Jason.


They are standing in front of their lockers on the last day of school.


Scott is the Asian one.


They hope to meet girls this summer, and maybe go to the movies.




One time, Jason got trapped in the staff candy machine, and a staff person said, "Hey, get that nasty thing you found at the thrift store out of the Skittles. Why are you taking pictures of it, anyways?"




This is the games closet.


But that is not it's most interesting feature.


This is:




This is how we test the problem solving abilities of new staff.


We say, can you get George a puzzle from the games closet?


The new staff person leaves the room, and pretty soon we here the sound of frustrated tugging on the game closet door.


Sometimes we hear, "Its stuck or something" as well.


The smart ones figure out there is a hidden latch, pictured above, but sometimes it takes them awhile.


If they never find the latch, then we ask them to help George do his puzzle as well.


But we fail to inform them that George's puzzle is missing a piece, so after they happily encourage and hand-over-hand it with George to finish the puzzle, they see that one piece is missing.


Then they start looking all over for it, like under the tables and everything.


George stares at the ceiling, happily rubbing his thighs in a vigorous, forward and back motion.


The closet is also on wheels, and one time:


I pushed it out far enough that I could stand snugly between it and the wall.


I felt like the building was hugging me and I took a nap, standing up.


It was some of the best sleep of my life.




This is the fax machine.


By itself, I know already how amazing it is to look at, but it gets better.


You have to unplug the phone and plug in the fax to get faxes.


But the phone still rings like normal when there is an incoming fax, so people are always picking up the phone, saying "Hello?" and getting the horrible screeches of a fax in their ear.


Then someone else, someone whose fax got interrupted because the phone was picked up, goes around saying, "Did you pick up the phone? Don't pick up the phone, I am waiting for a fax."


Then they have to plug the phone back in to tell the faxer to refax, but to wait a minute to refax, because the fax machine has to be plugged back in.


Then the phone rings, and someone who was working on their blog instead of paying attention answers it automatically and yells "AAAAGH!" when they get a fax in their ear.


Someone in the other room yells dammit in a really exasperated way because they see the little paper come out that says, "Fax failed."




This is the Globe, the most powerful teaching tool we have in our possession.


You can tell it is a little old though, because




Myanmar is still Burma, and




Norway is in parentheses.


This is where I live:




You can also tell the Globe is old because Detroit is still written in a big font and has no "stink lines" drawn on it.


I am embarrassed because my finger looks so fat.


This is our front yard, where we pick up trash, like I depicted in that one post I did about picking up trash.


Sometimes some good coupons can be found in those bushes.


That red van is not any one I know.


They are just driving past.




This is the view from our back door.


That big green dumpster smells like poop and mortality in the summertime.


It has a little green door in it, and sometimes homeless people walk by and take stuff out of the door, like bags of gray bread.


Sometimes they just look in, but don't take anything.


Sometimes they even do double-takes, which is my favorite. That's when they open the door, look in, shut it, but suddenly re-open it again and pull something out.


Its like their brain said, "Meh, garbage" and then, "No wait! Bread!", after a minute had passed.


One time a guy drove up in a nice red convertible, opened the little green door, took out a bag of apples, and happily drove away.


It was neat.




This is where the real work gets done.


There are a lot of "oh shit" handles in here.


Sorry.




I made Scott and Jason come into the bathroom with me, because I was scared by myself.


This was right before Jason got trapped in the staff Skittles dispenser.




That's me.


I am wearing the orange shirt I like to wear when I feel like people are not mistaking me for a man-sized pumpkin, or mumpkin, as frequently as I would prefer.


That bathroom mirror is the most flattering mirror I have ever come across in my 36 years of being vain.


Sometimes they have to send people to find me because I am in the bathroom pretending to be skinny.


My lips look really overlappy and tiny in this picture, and my hand looks enormous.


In reality, my lips are huge and my hand is tiny and uncomfortably overlapped, like my fingers keep wanting piggyback rides from their bigger brothers and sisters.


I also like this picture because it minimizes my hooters.




This is where Gweenbrick was born.






And this is the chair, where sits the ass, of the brain that boreth Gweenbrick.


Except, a student who had a lot of baby powder on her bottom sat here today, and I won't use this chair again until it has been thoroughly sanitized.


These are the beans from today's hot lunch.

I made an exceptional video of me jiggling these beans around.

I was going to set it to some Shabba Ranks music and loop it over and over again.

My favorite part on the video is when you hear a student ask me, "What are you doing?!?!" and I answer, very casually, "I'm just shaking the beans around."

Which might maybe make a good T-shirt slogan.

And finally, a picture of  two idiots:


Thanks for being my friend, small, small corner of the Internet.

60 comments:

  1. Globes kick so much ass. I want to go buy one now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Check the date on the globe before you buy, if it has the continent of Lemuria on it, pass

      Delete
  2. So much to take in! Peanut butter, ketchup collection, lime green kitchen walls (eep!), trick closets, ancient globes, Scott and Jason (LOVE), screaming fax machines (HATE), dumpsters that give away apples (!), shaky beans and man hooters (mooters?). You never fail to deliver the goods. (Sorry about Detroit's stink lines...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you thank you! I hope it wasn't too dry

      Delete
  3. I love a good Social Story. I was a little disappointed, however, that you didn't use PECS icons.

    I think you should get a patent on the mirror. I need one that makes me look thinner and my hooters perkier.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No time for PECS
      I could charge admission to our bathroom, bill it as kind of a make all your dreams come true kind of thing

      Delete
  4. Hey Gweenbrick,

    I gotta say, I am digging this new side of you, the non-animated, non-cartoony side. Very cool that you are doing this photo thing. Awesome! And I also like that you never show a pic of yourself (I don't either-- maybe I am very shy? maybe I am just not very photogenic?). Anyway, when is that new baby coming? Very exciting!

    (I just used "very" 4 times in 1 paragraph! ha!)

    Have a great day, enjoy your summer. :)

    best,
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey MOV!
      How are ya?
      Baby should be here on Sunday, I think...eek
      Thanks for the kind words-pictures are way speedier than drawing, so I am getting a little spoiled.

      Delete
  5. That bean picture was... disturbing. Until it was identified as beans, that is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, please do not follow a photo of a chair with a photo of a vat of beans. The brain jumps to conclusions.

      Delete
    2. Sorry! I did not anticipate who minds might jump

      Delete
  6. At first I thought "oh, no -- he's lost the ability to draw!"

    But then I met Scott and Jason, and everything is fine again.

    p.s. Please do an interview with the person who chose the color for the walls near the coffee pot. That would be interesting I think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Three different women decided on all the paint colors-there is a different color in every room-it makes me feel confused all day

      Delete
  7. I read the wikipedia article about Svalbard, so I know that it belongs to Norway, just as if anything can reaLLy belong to anything in the long run. I read the Svalbard thing several months aGo when my friend Badger was traveling there, so that was December, I believe. I am thinking there needs to be a new word 'beshort' that somewhat means the opposite of 'belong'. I now need to keep reloading the browser window so I can eventuaLLy see aLL the photos, sigh, because they fail to load on a sporadic basis about half the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forget that I have been to Detroit. It was a two day business trip by plane, in probably 1987, maybe 86. I haven't been to any neighboring states. I think if I would have drove there I would recaLL it more often. But it was part of a semi-bad memory (a job I didn't get to keep) so maybe thats part of the reason for not remembering. But the guy who did get the job greatly expanded that portion of the company and I was proud of his accomplishments.

      Delete
    2. OOOoooh ... I just noticed this, not just regular tortiLLas, but gourmet toriLLas!

      Delete
    3. Only the best tortillas for me!
      I wish I knew why you were having all the problems with the images on here

      Delete
    4. The video that you publish appears to be incompatible with the Safari browser of my iPad. It runs just fine on my PC. I am not sure what causes still photographs to sporadically work and not work. When it doesn't work I just have a black frame with a tiny question mark in the middle.

      Delete
  8. WTF?

    You're . . . you're . . . real?

    I had the distinct impression your Mum and Dad loved each other very much and crafted you during a romantic MS Paint session.

    Now I don't know what to think. Other than you have pert man-hooters.

    Mooters?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh you have so much to learn. My parents did sex to have me, not computer stuff. As sick as that makes me to admit.
      AND, dear god I am so desolate that I have mooters

      Delete
  9. "Except, a student who had a lot of baby powder on her bottom sat here today, and I won't use this chair again until it has been thoroughly sanitized." --- I thought that sentence belonged to the picture underneath it. Imagine my delight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I just noticed your name...very apt.

      Delete
    2. It's just the word "poo" I like. Not the actual poo thing, you know. Although I know that without poo I would be dead. So, I guess I like poo, too.

      Delete
    3. GROSS-now I wish I hadn't eaten that whole bin of beans by myself, sopping it up with saltines

      Delete
  10. And now I feel as if we are neighbors.

    You look just how I thought you would - funny that. I am now going to go to my bathroom and see if I can feel thin.

    Miracles can happen, right ?

    I really did like this post though, it's a day in the life of you. And hilarious. I might just do one of these myself.
    Although mostly it'll just be me being late for work instead of actually being there.

    ps Isn't it about time Thomas had a new adventure and when are you going to finish Manboy Japan ?

    pps Any sign of the baby yet ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, once there is baldness, a certain amount of uniformity settles in to a man's apearance
      I would like it if you did a post like this-I think it would be funny
      I would LOVE to do Thomas stories, I just have no good ideas for them
      I have not worked on Manboy Japan in awhile, but I am going to try and get back to it
      Baby on Sunday, maybe

      Delete
  11. Hey wait, I thought you only wore red shirts? and the occasional turtleneck. Orange is blowing my mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The orange is just for special occasions

      Delete
  12. I feel as though you've shared a very private corner of your heart. One with green walls and secret latches (that has got to be a methaphor for something???).

    Envious as always of your talent. And your breakfast choices.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Marianne! I think it is metaphorical, and a cleverer mind than mine would produce one

      Delete
  13. I really want to see the bean shaking video! And I have to agree with some of the guys higher up - the chair followed by the beans was ummm outstanding ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!
      I think my camera corrupted the bean video, but if not, I will find some way to post it-maybe on my +3 doodles page

      Delete
  14. Are the green-painted bricks the birthplace of Gween Brick? Has this already been answered in a previous post.

    P.S.

    Detroit represent. West siiiiIIIIIiiiide!

    *Thumps chest*

    *Remembers that she's a white girl from Bloomfield Hills.*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope, thats not where the name comes from
      I am not quite from Detroit, where I live was covered up by my finger fat roll

      Delete
  15. This was a whirlwind of emotions! I'm so worried about what product I should barter with while in hell.

    You have really nice skin.Is that part of the magic mirror?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Knight-you always say such nice stuff! I actually have awful skin, but that mirror really is magical. My favorite part of my skin is that it is very flappy.

      Delete
  16. Sooooo I dunno - again with the not a word for it thing, amazing and ....
    'Scott is the Asian one' - wtf - why is that so damned funny?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading Julie-Scott is proud of his Asian lineage and has no problem with people laughing at him

      Delete
  17. Jason is adorable. He kind of reminds me of my fat cat. I can't believe anyone wouldn't want him in their Skittles machine.

    ReplyDelete
  18. For some reason I thought you lived in Florida. Also, please most the shaking video!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Florida?? Too hot. I have to try and recover the shaking video from my camera

      Delete
  19. I really feel like I know you now, and can call you a friend, but that might make you uncomfortable, and make you want to run away. When's our first sleepover?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will only sleep over if you paint my toenails and we watch Twilight.

      Delete
  20. I'm so so so happy you posted this stuff. Top three Gweenbrick posts ever.

    ReplyDelete
  21. comparing food to diarrhea= WIN!
    I'm hungry now.

    Very cool post, and in the pic of you, I thought 'he's no where near as big as he makes out in his cartoons!' :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Aysh! That mirror is magical, I told you so!

      Delete
  22. Hello Gweenbrick, another excellent post made MORE excellent by a picture of you! Can you even imagine how genuinely interested I am to see you. I am Very Very interested. (I had originally written that sentence to speak for all your fans, but it was just too much - I don't know if they are as excited as me to see you. I was projecting.) You are funny, as ever, bittersweet, a bit weird (in the nicest possible way) and cool. Yep. Cool.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Bridgette! If you saw me in a person, you would think, "Where's your bra, Grandpa?"

      Delete
  23. If you make a t-shirt that says, "Just shakin' the beans around", I SWEAR I will buy one. No. I will buy two. One in my current size, and one xxxxl, just in case I finally "make weight" and am allowed to become a Sumo Wrestler in Japan.

    That's always been a dream of mine, you know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Yvonne-I'll try to make one if I think of a good way to do it

      Delete
  24. Thanks for the pic! You aren't fat! Good lord, not like you draw in your cartoons! You are adorable! I didnt know you were from Detroit! I grew up there but am much happier here in the UK! Poor you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I told you, that mirror is incredible-I am going to go stand in front of it right now in fact-it even makes poop smell better-thanks for reading!

      Delete
  25. Crunchy peanut butter. Hmmmmmmm.

    A research study comparing crunchy eaters to creamy eaters concluded that cruncy eaters exhibited more childish tendancies and showed more bold and deviant behavior.

    With that said...Get on with yo crunchy self. I think its great.

    ReplyDelete