Friday, June 1, 2012

Dudipist



I am staring at this thing I bought, willing it to be funny, to dictate humorous commentary directly into my typing hands.


But nothing comes.


Nope.


Is it like that face palm meme?


Was that even a meme?


I didn't even know what a meme was until I started this blog.


Still not sure I get it.


Meme shmeem.


What is really bothering me is that I had a choice of three therapists.


One of them was a dude.


Could I, you know, emotionally nuditize myself to a dude?


It just seems like if I cry, for whatever reason, at that first session, one dude offering a pseudo-dude a tissue is just going to be so awkward.


And I can't handle awkward right now.


That's part of the reason I'm sitting across from the dude in the first place. 


Because my mental handling of things has been walking on the wonky side lately.


Probably the best fruit borne from the congress of the Internet and information is that you can look up pictures of your potential dude therapists. I think that might help me to-


OH MY SWEET LORD NO


NO NO NO 


THE DUDIPIST HAS HIM A SWORD

Though, to be fair, he is not above the Chicken Dance


I can't, I just don't, I feel-


Let me start again.


Don't judge a book by its cover.


By its tanned beef jerky cover.


But yes I cancelled the appointment.


Because it could be like this












No, I think I'll try another name on my little list here of recommended therapists.


Maybe she'll be a nice retired art teacher turned life coach.





38 comments:

  1. Mos-squirt-o ....

    Be the bicep or be the bug, interesting add-vice.

    I think I had two males and one female, aLL of them relatively useless. The female therapist was the shortest term - 6 sessions - mainly because that was the number of sessions maximum the insurance company was going to pay, and I already knew ahead of time that I was going to be declared 'fit' to go back to work, at least by her. Plus she was on the verge of retirement. At least she could speak and halfway understand the English language. The two males, not so much so ...

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  2. I wonder if biceps can get an inferiority complex from triceps, and them from quadriceps? Is there such a thing as quinticeps, because they would be freaking awesome!

    My monoceps ache.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you think that receptacles are ceptacles that have died and came back again?

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    2. You guys are kind of off on your own little thing here, and I am hesitant to intervene

      Delete
  3. Hmmm, body builder/therapist is an interesting combination to say the least. I don't think I'd feel comfortable with that situation either and I'm a chick (not a dude). As for the purple smumper, where might I procure such a beauteous item? Seems perfect for "fat" days, you know? (which is pretty much every day...)

    When I was looking at the first photo of the statue, I wasn't at all sure what in the hairy heck it was. Was it a chicken carcass? Was it an avant-garde play-doh statue made by a precocious toddler? No idea. Oh no, I was wrong. It's a cat?! Huh? Why is the cat scratching out its own eye?

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    Replies
    1. I make smumpers andsell them on etsy. I use a custom weave of potato sack and form-fitting tarp

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  4. I've had two female therapists and two male, wait, no three female. My parents sent me to a therapist in high school because I was dating an asshole and they were afraid I was on drugs, which I was, but that wasn't the problem. Low self-esteem was the problem, and the asshole boyfriend.

    Then in college I had anxiety attacks from a drug allergy, and I saw a male psychiatrist that said the drugs in high school gave me the panic attacks, without asking about what I was on then... and he sent me to a female therapist that said I was fine and I should go home and keep being awesome.

    Then my mom complained I cried to much so I went to a male therapist and he told me that I cry when I am overwhelmed by anger and my mom makes me angry. And that I was awesome.

    And then I saw a female therapist so I didn't stab my roommate, and she taught me that emotions lie and you should only trust data which helped a lot, and then she sent a friendly email I sent her after I stopped seeing her to this judge who was judging me and screwed over my life, so yeah. Kinda bitter about that.

    And then I saw a male therapist the other day that said I am awesome and brilliant and not crazy in the least because I am able to figure my shit out myself and that I should go home and not come back and that worked out well... so... not going to therapists works best for me, it seems.

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    Replies
    1. What a great mini-post! You just need a couple of your pictures here. Though I am sorry for you that you had to go through so many therapists, but I love your conclusion, Jrose.

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  5. It's a crap shoot, really. The whole therapist search. That's why you find one and stick with her. (notice I said "her"....)
    I come to your blog and I'm instantly jealous of your ability to think and create in such interesting ways.
    Jealous.

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    Replies
    1. Oh heather I am jealous of you too.

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  6. Oh my god! I AM the mosquito!
    The thing with therapists is you won't know which one is right for you until you meet them in person.

    All clients know immediately if there is a connection, if not, move on. Don't stay because you feel like you're obliged to.

    As you can tell, I'm wearing my 'turtleneck of seriousness...'♥

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    Replies
    1. Thats what I am figuring, I'll get in and be able to tell pretty much right away. To be fair to this guy, he might be a great therapist, I just can't get over his tanned muscle show. It's my problem, not his

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  7. Go with the lady therapists if you have a choice. I'm sure you're right about it being awkward if it were a guy - mosquito or no mosquito!

    You know, I'm so impressed that you're able to create something funny even when you're not feeling your best. When I'm in a slump I can't do anything with myself! Nice job here once again :-)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Lady in Red, I am glad you still like it, because I am slumping in a big way, and it is like terrible agony to even get one post done. But it makes me so happy when people read and like it-I am addicted to the high of affirmation

      Delete
    2. Gweenbrick, in all seriousness, have you not considered making a book out of some of your posts? I'm researching self-publish Kindle books right now. The problem on Kindle is that you don't get colour - however, you can make a Kindle book in colour which, when viewed on Kindle will show as black and white, but when viewed on a PC (or whatever) will show in colour.

      There's no cost involved... you just do it and put it out there.

      Delete
  8. I can't help but feel guilty about laughing my ass off over your pain and despair. I think I need therapy. Can you give me that dude's number? The mosquitoes are also draining me dry. I'm thinking it will explode two asses with one bicep.

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    Replies
    1. Oh you can laugh at me...but I can't give you his number. He is too scary

      Delete
  9. I googled images of "exploding asses."

    That really wasn't a great idea. Trust me on this.

    Meanwhile, I've been refatting like a freaking champion sumo wrestler since moving from CA to NY and dicovering the joys of being broke and unemployed and I actually have a very realistic fear of my ass exploding.

    And of being called Chubs by a dude with ass-exploding biceps.

    Also also?

    I have no idea what a meme is. I keeping seeing the word, but it means nothing to me, except the urge to scream, "Me! Me! Me, dammit! Me!!"

    Love you, Gweenbrick... Insecurities, failure, fears, people, awkwardness, chubbiness, manboobs, unibrow, bad breath, and all.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What do you mean 'manboobs'???!
      *looks down at keyboard half-covered by menknockers*
      Oh.
      I will never google exploding asses, based soley on your adivice

      Delete
  10. Definitely go with the retired art teacher. If nothing else, at least you end up leaving with snacks.
    Hang in there!

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    Replies
    1. Hee hee good one. I like snacks, too.

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  11. It's a little thing, but I love how shiny you drew him.

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  12. Not sure if you care where I laugh aloud each post, but this time out, it was "smumpers."

    And your wife is going to divorce you if you keep buying that stuff. It's going to become a metaphor for something ugly very soon.

    Not that your fans don't appreciate it.

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    Replies
    1. I keep my hideous statuette budget below 3 dollars.
      For now.

      Delete
  13. I don't normally feel sorry for mosquitoes, but that's a hell of a way to go - even for a tiny blood sucker. I wonder if the blood mixed with the Hawaiian Tropic smeared all over the Dupipist tasted like a pina colada to that mosquito...

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  14. Is is a dog, no it's a cat and it is face palming.
    I'm with Marianne on the 'smumper'.
    Hehehehe, Gweenbrick you need to be seen in a magazine - do they still print magazines?
    Hey you found two very effective therapists there, better than any I've seen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I was featured in a magazine, I would choose Highlights or Nintendo Power

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  15. This post took me from utterly terrified (because that cat thing is scary and I'm pretty sure it's possessed) to being soothed by the gentle ramblings of Therapist #2. Seriously. Go to that woman. Make macrame. Heal thyself.

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    Replies
    1. Hee hee-the powers of macrame, to heal, to live, to love again

      Delete
  16. I had two therapists. The first was a female. She was the type that wanted a patient to view her as a friend. That didn't work out. The second was male. A gorgeous and accomplished male. Of course I wanted to sleep with him. That didn't work out. I gave up after that and got myself as many self-help books as I could find.

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  17. I've had two therapists. The first a female that I saw for years. She dressed like a rich hippie and had a cat and shoe fetish (two seperate fetishes - I think?). Freaky little kitten 'dolls' that looked real and startled me every time. She was good, but then she left in the middle of a major life crisis so that kinda sucked. Then I started seeing my dudipist and he rocks (he has a 'National Sarcasm Society' magnet on his filing cabinet, which is far better than creepy kittens). He pushes me, makes me work for it and my god I am seeing progress in my life for the first time in years. This is not to suggest 'choose the right therapist or else,' simply that if a therapist takes you outside your comfort zone (in a non-bicepy way) they might be worth going back to at least a few times, as much as your brain will want to stay hidden in your wife's bathrobe, mumbling about how stupid therapy is anyway...

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  18. Is it bad that the bug-bicep metaphor is the best and most inspirational metaphor I've ever heard? Like not even sarcastically. That is awesome.

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  19. Body builders seriously freak me out! their bodies are so unnatural! Butttttt.....What if you go for the lady therapist and she's a female body builder!!?! Even groser :O

    Funny as per, my Gweenbrick :D

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  20. I don't know man. Of all my therapists I never really liked the women. They seemed so much more aggressive and judgmental. The last guy I saw was a fantastic sweet hippie. I wish I could still afford the mental help.

    Dude, you can write about not being inspired and it still inspires me.

    Why in the hell did you buy a cat kicking itself in the eye?

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  21. How did I miss this ?

    Smumper.

    That one word sums up all the reasons why I think you are a genius.

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  22. That really is a good Gweenbrick drawing of the therapist. (Please tell me that guy is really not a therapist. Just for laughs, right?)

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