Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Unbearable Flatness of Blogging





Nothing is funny to me right now; my toes peek over a cliff's edge of despair

How's that line for ya? The aged despair of peeking toes.

I should write a romance novel.



"Hugh's massive forearms lifted Serapena as if she were a bird, a hollow boned bird given to throaty hootings.

She curled her fingers into the impossible thickness of his chest hair, a great tuft of it just now cresting above his Renaissance festival man blouse.

'I', he mumbled thickly, 'I thever thaft floam a-'

'Hush my love,' Serapena whispered, 'clear the thickness before you speak.'

After, they shared a giant leg of mutton.



The grease was so thick upon her face that when she lit her Virginia Slim, there was a great explosion of flame.



Years later, Hugh still devotedly cared for his hideous beloved.

But he could not bring himself to stroke her face.



'Stroke my face!' She screeched. 

'Nope', said Hugh, 'it's tooooo gross.'


'You don't sound like yourself, my love, you sound more like him'. Serapena pointed a crooked finger directly at me.




'I COULD HAVE BEEN BLISSFULLY HAPPY FOREVER! But you ruined it.....you and your incessant, unending need to turn everything into one long stupid joke!!Can't you just leave us alone??'


Hey lady, I would love to, really, but I am trying to write my way through some serious creative constipation, and for some reason you and your beloved manwich are on the business end of my blockage. 


'That's disgusting, plus it's too many 'b' sounds. What are you, in a Freshman poetry class?'


I was a fantastic poet when I was a freshman, I'll have you know.


'Oh, I just bet you were....let me hear something.'



'Oh shut up, you man!' shouted Serapena. She smacked Hugh about his face and shoulders.

Listen, I'll tell you what: I'll give you your face back, and your happy romance, if you give me one, just one, good post idea. 


'How about a post about your grammar pet peeves? Like when people say 'expspecially'?









'Don't you have any good special ed stories?,' Serapena asked me.


I've done those to death...and most of the things that happen in special ed are yucky.


Like when that kid painted his entire bathroom with poop, and after I cleaned it all up, I was putting food in my mouth and my co-worker pointed out a streak of poop I had neglected to clean off of my index finger.


'Sick! Oh sick! You have awful stories!' Serapena fainted.


Hugh looked down sadly.


"Sometimes," he said, his voice shaking with emotion, "sometimes, I scratch the seat of my trousers and briefly smell my fingers afterwards."


Does Serapena know?


'I...I don't think so....You won't tell her, will you??'


I felt only pity for him.


No. No I won't.


I put my hand on his knee. It was hard and close to the skin like a baseball.


When a person collapses, it's their knees that go first.


I figure if you support the knee, you support the whole person.


I figure if you let a man's beloved incinerate her head just for your amusement, you are a worthless bastard if you leave him to sob untouched and uncomforted in the dark.


Hugh pulled me close to himself, in a hug that was defined as much by it's awkwardness as by it's sincerity. 

'Is this the way the world ends?' he whispered.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, I whispered back.

He only hugged me all the more.


63 comments:

  1. Mr. Gweenbrick, whatever you are smoking please let me know where I can purchase some.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang I wish I had a clever response to this comment, Rob R, but I don't....

      Delete
  2. Oh Gweenie, you may think you are devoid of inspiration but that was just genius :)

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    1. Ps. I for one, will never get bored of the special ed stories, but if all else fails you it's about time we had another product review...

      Delete
    2. Thanks cowgirl! I wish I could find stuff to review, but its hard to get that right mix of ludicrous and mundane. I go to thrift shops every day, but nothing jumps out at me. I could do more special ed stuff, but it seems so redundant....I'll keep at it

      Delete
  3. Having her incinerate her face for amusement? I thought you were just highlighting one of the lesser-known dangers of greasy food and smoking! The american lung association and nutritionists should be thanking you and will probably want Serapena's likeness to make her the poster child for inadvertent self-immolation.
    You're always thinking of the good of the people, Gween... you're like a hero or something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know? I think you're right....I think I am like a hero or something.

      Delete
  4. "Hugh's massive forearms lifted Serapena as if she were a bird, a hollow boned bird given to throaty hootings."

    What girl isn't given to the occasional throaty hoot?

    *Hawks a loogie.*

    Oh wait. That's not what you meant.

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    1. That's gross Mandy, but actually the phrase "throaty hootings" popped into my head, and was the real impetus for this whole dumb post.
      Weird, huh?

      Delete
  5. I grew up with a girl who was massively burned as a kid, and strangely, she had a large bald pink head like that. How did you know how to draw it? Very nice kid, of course most people made fun of her. Kids are so awful. Here's a post idea, Gweenbrick: how do special ed kids make fun of other special ed kids? There must be a pecking order -- it can't be unlike every single other human interaction...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ahh, your comment made me feel bad. I was thinking "Red Skull" not "real girl who everyone treated like dirt", I hope I did not offend....As to your post idea, I see that all the time, but much of it is quite mean-spirited, so I would have to think of a way to tone it down and make it funny

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  6. Gweenbrick, you are my hero! That may have been 'creative constipation' for you, but for me it was sheer brilliance.

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    1. Thanks Kevin! I am so flattered when anyone uses the word 'brilliant' and me in the same sentence.

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  7. One of the wonderful things about this blog is you never know exactly where a post will end up, or what turns it will take along the way.

    It's the most entertaining blog I read that doesn't involve cat videos.

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    1. Yes! I almost outrank cat videos! That's a hard act to beat. Thanks Alan!

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  8. Why are you so damned funny, even when you think you're devoid of creativity?? God I hate you!

    Seriously Gweenie, you'll always be a genius to me.

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  9. "... perchance to shit yay verily farted."
    Peals of laughter rang round my cubical... Total sucker for a fart joke.

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    Replies
    1. I know, so am I...its really pathetic

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  10. I can't even tell you how fast I scramble to your site when I see you've posted something new. This was pure, brilliant, unintentional, natural genius. You don't need a story to be entertaining. I am in awe. And i am not in awe of much.

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    1. WHOAH-geez Heather, you sure know how to flatter a guy. Thank you for all your kind comments!

      Delete
  11. How is it you can take "inspirational constipation" (or whatever you'd like to call it) and turn it into such brilliant entertainment? Given that we just had "manwiches" for dinner the other night, this gave me a particular laugh -- "you and your beloved manwich are on the business end of my blockage." Even your blockages are stellar. Wait, that may not be *exactly* what I mean, but you get the point.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Stellar blockage there, my good man.
      I did not know that they still made manwich....when we were kids, it always seemed like a treat that only rich people got to eat

      Delete
  12. "The unbearable flatness of blogging"... Duuuuuude. That's brill.

    Meanwhile, Serapena knows about the finger sniffing. Trust me on this.

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    1. Not sure if she does, Cupcake, she is pretty distracted by her missing face and constant painful existence....
      but women do tend to notice those things, much to everyone "amusement"

      Delete
  13. YOU, Sir, are a genius. I wish I could write poems like that.

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  14. Replies
    1. Thanks Dorsey, but I paraphrased much of it from the graffiti on the walls of my first grade toilet stall

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  15. So I just now figured out that half of bizarre must be either a plain 'zarre' or perhaps 'unizarre', so going the other direction would mean most likely 'trizarre' or 'quadrazarre' ? Thank you for being entertaining, as I try to figure out today's level of zarre in Gween-land. My inspiration for today was to make fun of Obama and Karzai, low hanging fruit. I must now enter the boring world of housekeeping, whisk/wish me luck. . .. ... .... .....

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks for reading, esb! today's zarre is.....OCTO!!

      Delete
    2. Yes, octozarre, that would be 4xbi-zarre.

      Now I hope we aren't making fun of a wonderful saintly family named Zarre.

      OR .... Maybe I should be more worried about a disturbed mobster mob named Zarre.

      Delete
  16. "you and your beloved manwich are on the business end of my blockage."
    this statement pleases me.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks SherilinR, all the 'b' sounds don't bug you?

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  17. Holy Cr*p! I should know better than to get high (completely legal-honest)and then check in on you. Funny!!

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    1. Thanks Brenda! Sorry about your glaucoma or chronic pain condition

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  18. I want your writer's block. Your last blog inspired a recent visit to Spree (thrift shop). I bought some weird kind of Jim Beam train decanters that are now sitting proudly atop the piano. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I believe the spirit of Gweenbrick took over as I ogled them from behind the glass counter. That's right. They were counter-worthy. Now what the f*ck am I supposed to do with them????

    This is all your fault.

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    Replies
    1. I am so sorry. So many of the things in my basement were at one time, "counter worthy", and now....it's all a trap.

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  19. I love the special ed stories. This was great as well and you didn;t even have anything.

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    1. Thanks Brett! I could do more special ed stuff, its just that I get desensitized to what might be funny because I am around it all day, every day, and I can't sort out what might make for a good post

      Delete
  20. I'm very uncomfortable with this, too. I am whispering to you, a stranger, because that's even more uncomfortable.
    I love your stories because they make me uncomfortable. That is my favorite breed of humor. It is a most pleasant discomfort.

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    1. Thanks TangledLou! I love uncomfortable humor as well, I wish I had like a million personal anecdotes featuring discomfort, because I would harvest them endlessly for post material

      Delete
  21. Don't know about you, but I find that if you start a conversation in a blog, it's very hard to stop. I could easily end up with a post that would tire Dostoyevsky with it's lengthiness.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know what you mean; if I didn't insist on drawing pictures, I really could go off on tangents forever.
      See my dreadful Stephen Colbert post as an example.
      It is the post that my wife hates the most because of its long-windedness

      Delete
  22. Even when you haven't got anything to say you've still got something to say.

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    1. Thanks Julie! Thanks for supporting me, I really REALLY appreciate it, even if I always respond to your comments with gratitude cliches

      Delete
  23. Why is it that, even when you claim to be struggling to produce something that is funny, you are still the best blogger out there? I hate you for that. Well, I would if I was the type to hate. Too exhausting, you know.

    Serapena should get a wig.

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    Replies
    1. She really should.
      If I ever draw her again, I think you just gave me an idea for what she will be doing
      As for your flattery, BLUSH AND SHUFFLE FEET IN DIRT
      You are way to kind and nice to me Nellie

      Delete
  24. You are a complete nutcase, brilliant but mental !
    I love your blog.

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    1. Thank you kiki! And thanks for following!

      Delete
  25. I don't know where you get off saying you have nothing to say. This was flippin' hysterical. You should have a Thursday Romance post day where this story just goes on and on and on. Hopefully one of the characters will be a woman with no arms, a human worm if you will, named Lola.

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    1. Thanks Lola, That's a cool idea, if I draw human worm Lola, should I model it after you?

      Delete
  26. Aw, G, don't you see? Even when you don't know what to write something adorable and clever finds its way to the POST button. When I used to have a LiveJournal (Yeah, yuk it up, c'mon) and just complained about not knowing what to write, throwing in some silly always still made it funny.

    But I agree with many of the above, we demand more special ed stories. I like the ones that go deep into a single person's character, not just a generalization of poop and expulsive behavior.

    It's kind of why we all fell in love with you ;]

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Olga-I won't laugh at you over LiveJournal, mostly because I don't know what it is..

      As for the special ed stories, its hard to do them in a way that holds my interest, as opposed to just being repetitive. And so many aspects of them are just....gross

      Its weird to hear that they are my main appeal, what "sets me apart" I suppose...because many of them are just different jokes with the same punchline, at least in my head they are.
      But I guess the idea of going "deep into a single person's character" takes it away from just random silliness...I don't know, I'll keep plugging away on the various things

      Delete
  27. If this is what you write when you are 'constipated for ideas' then bravo! 'twas exceptionally chuckle worthy :)

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    1. Thanks Aysh! I am happy that dumb randomness can still entertain people

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  28. Replies
    1. Well, if they ever do, than I'm out of a job, blog-wise

      Delete
  29. Your nothing to say post is much better than my nothing to say post, I'll tell you that! Just don't fret for ideas; something is bound to come up.

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. Thanks Barb! I go through cycles of having a million ideas and then utter pits of no idea despair-the pits usually last about two weeks and then the upswing lasts about a week and a half-its all very healthy

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  30. Streak of poo down your index finger... please tell that's not true! Wouldn't you have noticed the smell at least? lol... god, so gross! Great post though - I especially love the picture where you bow down after your poetry.

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    1. ITS TRUE!!!! AH NO AH LORD GOD ITS ALL TRUE! No I didn't notice the smell....I was just....I was just so hungry *sob*

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  31. Man...........I sure wish I could party with you some time. I'm absolutely certain that you'd make me laugh so hard, I'd tinkle in my pants a little. Because, that's what most 48 year old ladies who've had children do. They might deny it, but they do. And I would.

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  32. Okay, so I'm totally hearing you about the poopfinger incident. I'm a nurse and as such, I deal with a LOT of poop of all sizes, shapes, colors, states of liquidity... In order to protect ourselves from poo, we have to wear these blue plastic "gowns" which give me an allergic rash all over my hands. Anyway, all my stories are yucky too, so I can relate. Like last week, when I pulled a pair of "sterile" gloves from the box only to find that they'd been pre-splattered with blood, I guess in the factory. That was bad.

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  33. I'm delighted that your lack of feeling inspired produced such a long and amusing post. Anyone who puts 12 pictures into expressing writer's block gains a couple points in my book.

    Sometimes, when I feel particularly stuck, I go to a random paragraph generator (I recommend http://watchout4snakes.com/CreativityTools/RandomParagraph/RandomParagraph.aspx) and just enjoy a little computer writing for a while. Productive? Maybe not, but sometimes it's fun to see how machines think.

    Also, I kept reading that you had a poop steak (not streak) on your finger. That image will linger in my mind until I die. Thanks a lot.

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