Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Insomnia births profundity




I mean, I know I used to be alternative, with my black cut-off T-shirts and my long khaki shorts. I scrunched my socks down just enough to get a nice little tan on my knee caps. 


I was able to recognize other alternative people and go towards them.

And they, in turn, saw me for what I was and welcomed me.

We all stood there not talking, in the way that people who ooze cool can stand for long periods of time without talking, but without anyone feeling awkward. 


Then they walked away and forgot to take me with them.



It's not that.


It's that I went to the grocery store, the little one where all the customers smell like doe piss and don't believe in teeth.


And I noticed something.

I knew then that a truth I had long been avoiding had at last come home to roost.


I'm not alternative anymore.


I'm mainstream.











I so wanted this conversation with the moon to really go somewhere, you know?


Like one of those profound ones, those ones where I slap eyes and arms on some inanimate object and tell it my problems, and then it ends with a hug.


Do you realize how many of my posts end in some kind of hug?


I don't even like hugs.


Does anyone out there know if Prozac makes you like hugs??


That would be gross.


I'm sad because I wanted the moon to get around to talking about its "dark side", and then I was going to ask it what its dark side was, and it was going to say, "Mah butt."


While I was putting the students on the bus, the idea of the moon saying "Mah butt" struck me as hilarious. 


Now, all typed out and literal like that, it just seems...I don't know....a little childish. 


Lemme see.....


HAAHAHAHHAA...oh goodness, yes....nope, it's gold


Now with wiggling moon buns:



Ha ha......


I should have finished this post right then, but I left it, and now hours later, I can't pick up the strand of it again.


......oh wait, things with butts.

I guess my genius never slumbers long.


55 comments:

  1. I never know when you're really serious, which leads me to believe that you're never serious. And there was no turtleneck. This is a great post.

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    1. Serious as a heartattack, baby! Which is one of my new mainstream sayings, along with "that'll leave a mark" and "TGIF, baby!" I figure baby on the end of anything is the way to go.

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  2. I love the moon drawings! Beautiful sky!
    I totally identify with your melancholy. And your mooning moon. Your helpful wife was killing me with her helpfulness. So funny!

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    1. Thanks Heather! My melancholy was pretty surface only.

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  3. The black-shirted three amigos image followed by the "be okay" helpful wife drawing might be the best one-two punch you've done ever. Or maybe I'm just too tired.

    I tried to leave this comment alone for a while and come back to it but

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    1. Thank you Alan, I appreciate when you

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  4. Ps-Prozac does not make you like hugs....

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  5. It is better to have been alternative and lost than to never have been alternative at all.

    I was never alternative.

    But I love your crazed moon. Reminds me of an old roomate. Kept telling me how unenlightened I was. I told her I didn't make enough money working college food service to afford drugs. Had to stick with Cookie Crisp instead. Cookie Crisp is a little bit alternative, right?

    Your posts always get me thinking. I suppose it's because I usually pee myself laughing, so I then get a couple minutes alone in the bathroom to tend to my incontinence. Bathroom time = real divine inspiration.

    Thank you from the bottom of my bladder.

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    1. Hehehehe 'A couple of minutes alone in the bathroom to tend to my incontinence' I'm with you Marianne - thank god for incontinence.

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    2. Thank you Marianne! I treasure my time in the bathroom as well. And I love Cookie Crisp. It might come around to being a cereal you can enjoy ironically, like they did with Count Chocula, and then you too can be alternative.

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  6. Bull Dyke Incoming - hahahahaha

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    1. The dark side of the moon is the part (half) that doesn't receive illumination from the sun. Since the moon and earth stay in sync, there is ~half of it that is always facing away from us.

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    2. So you're saying there are no buns back there? Is that what you're saying? Man, science takes the fun out of everything.

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    3. ... not everything. The anthropomorphic treatment of the moon was interesting, with the pun of the moon mooning you, brilliant. If its any comfort to you, one of the things I learned recently while studying the lighter isotope of Helium, atomic weight 3, is that it is probably in higher abundance on the moon than on earth. It is an important chemical for nuclear fusion research for power production.

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  7. LOL! Your genius never does sleep long, it's true. Total laugh out loud when the moon says "mah butt"!

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    1. Thanks Lady in Red! I am glad you and I have the exact same lack of sophistication in our humor

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    2. I love hearing the word 'sophistication' in association with me. Incongruity is a wonderful thing.

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  8. Sooooo deeeeeep Gweenbrick without even trying (it seems). Lovely post.

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    1. Thanks Julie, but not really deep, just being silly

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  9. The moon's a douche. It's a shame really because he just reflects what the sun says, and I wouldn't worry about not getting anything profound out of him as he doesn't like to bother with alternative folk.

    He just likes to crater for the masses.



    I'm so sorry . . .

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    1. Darn it you are so clever but you use it for such evil purposes...Brits and wit and are the Devil's union

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  10. Being alternative now is boring. It means you have to use a skateboard when you're over 40 and that, to me, just spells douche bag. So you're lucky you got out when you did.
    Elpoo

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    1. Ooh my experience with a skateboard is awesome. Maybe a minor post in it. Actually its not that awesome, but when i am bored some time I might draw it

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  11. Moon-Butts are comedy GOLD!
    Shhhh...lemme tell you a secret:
    You are old enough to not give a shit anymore! You can walk around doing whatever you like, and wearing what you want because you just honestly cannot be bothered. We are too old to be cool, and it is great over here on the other side!
    (I think that is what the moon was sayin')

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    1. How old do you think I am?? Because you are probably right, dammit....

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  12. I realize this is kind of not the point, but when I was pregnant I barely slept at all. If I wasn't waking up to pee, I was simply uncomfortable or gasping for breath because a person was laying on my aorta or some shit.

    My point? I would have punched you in the face if you woke me up for any reason at all. Any reason. All the face punches.

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    1. Jaclyn, I would have deserved each and every one. All of them.

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  13. Alternative is now the norm. So it's no longer alternative. Or is that just because I work in an ad agency where everyone has tattoos and facial piercings? I consider it alternative to not wear black now. Maybe you should get a pink shirt? That would be real rebellious.

    P.S. The moon's wiggly butt made me actually laugh out loud. That was the straw that broke the camel's back with hilarity.

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    1. I can't wear pink because it makes me too attractive and my wife gets jealous of all the stray females that come mooing around our backyard. Really I shouldn't wear clothes at all because I am that damned good looking when dressed.
      Naked is safe though. I look like dangling bags of pink playdoh.
      I am so happy that everyone liked that moon, because it was born from the utterly stupid frontal shelf of my brain

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    2. I think your wife is a saint.

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  14. Love the moon buns! If the moon shows you his butt, is he 'mooning' you???

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    1. Someone said that on Facebook too, and it is hilarious to me that I didn't even think of that. I guess I really am not smarter than an average bear.

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  15. I don't know about Prozac making you want hugs, but it will make your teeth whiter!

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    1. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I have the soft brown teeth of a former smoker/pop addict

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  16. Just seeing "Mah Butt" in writing had me giggling... the moon actually wiggling it at you had me in embarassing snorting hysterics. Thank you for once again making my employers question hiring me.

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    1. Yay! I love not being the only childish person on the internet. It makes me feel accepted.

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  17. Agree with lilkittin - I started snickering at the words "mah butt" and then cracked up full-on at moon heinie. Nice work there, my friend.

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    1. Thanks Meg-I will never be lonely again, knowing all these people on the internet share my passions

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  18. I can't decide which I love more...your posts or your drawings. It's bothering me because I can't decide. I'll just let "mah butt" decide. ;-)

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    1. Thanks elizabeth-say posts, cause its way easier for me to write than to draw

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  19. Some people think that the moon controls our emotions.

    In older forms of astrology the moon sign was way more significant then the sun sign. Having seen how it spoke to you I can't imagine why.

    I have never taken Prozac, but I have taken lots of ecstacy and I have heard people say that the way Prozac can make you feel in similar.
    And when I used to take ecstacy I wanted to hug EVERYONE.

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    1. Are you trying to make me scared and sick with your talk of astrology and ecstacy? Don't be scary to me cowgirl

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    2. Send me your date, time and place of birth and then I will scare you with astrology...

      As for the other thing, I'm not generally a "touchy feely" person, but I wanted those hugs. So maybe you will too.

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  20. *sigh*

    I got my nose pierced in 1997 and lost my job teaching at Juvenile hall because of it.

    I currently have 9 tattoos and no one bats an eye when I apply for a teaching job with pretty fancy shmancy art work decorating my arms and the side and back of my neck (Betty Boop blowing kisses... it is really kind of awesome) and NO ONE CARES.

    How much does that suck?

    Now I'm just a middle aged woman with fewer tats than Kat Von Dean (or however the hell she spells her name).

    So... ordinary.

    I'm ordinary.

    I could shave my head, tattoo a scarlet A on my forehead and NO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE.

    Butts.

    There. I said it.

    BUTTS.

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    1. I feel your pain, I have quite a few tattoos too and I used to think that I would love being controversial when I am a tattooed old lady in a care home.

      Then I realised that by then most likely all the other old ladies will have them too.

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    2. Haha I like that realization about the care home, cowgirl.
      You should see me, killer cupcake, if you really want to see ordinary. I look like a guy who has spent his life waiting in line at the post office.

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  21. I wanted to be alternative but it came out looking like, well, I'm not sure what it looked like. Meh.

    I love the moon but am disheartened at its inane banter. Disappointing.

    You, however, are NEVER disappointing!

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    1. ha ha now i want to see how you interpreted meh alternative

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  22. This is why I talk to the sun. Such wisdom it possesses. It's also why my vision isn't what it used to be just a few years ago.

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    1. Tee hee I love stories of people staring at the sun. makes me laugh every time, because I am so mature

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  23. "Mah butt" <-- bahahaha! It works.

    I'm not alternative. I'm not really...well...anything, really. Does wearing pyjamas all day have a name?

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