Monday, March 5, 2012
From the mouth of blankets
I spent the weekend rolled in my red Sick Blanket and telling my wife to relax.
Many times throughout history, I have hurried home from the grocery store, breathless with excitement, anxious to bring my wife the good news.
"Granola is fat free, FAT FREE! I bought three boxes!!"
And just as many times, like the doomed repetition of all our folly, my wife sighs, and sweetly looks aside to me, as one might notice a panhandler through a large impenetrable window.
"Oh but honey, it's very high calorie, remember?"
She pats my head as I hang it.
I guess I should have stayed home from work today, battling the rickets or whatever is wrong with me.
But here I am, with three students who would rather watch Sesame Street on the computer than have me go through their picture schedules and say in my dippy falsetto "we are all heroes" teacher voice: "Is this hot or cold, Lulu?"
You can go through forty pictures with no response, and then you hold up the Golden Arches and voices from those who were voiceless intone in the perfect diction of the upstairs people of Downton Abbey: "BY THUNDEROUS JOVE, IT IS MCDONALDS THOU HAST PRESENTED UPON OUR PERSON IN ALL IT'S GOLDEN RAIMENT AND EXPEDIENT FINERY!!!!"
In education, we like to call this a teachable moment.
So I teach.
"Yes. Yes it is Mcdonald's."
Lulu is what I call the very obese purple wearing girl in my class who is probably my best friend.
Sometimes when I cry, she pats my shoulder and says, "Don't cry, you'll rust yourself again."
I guess I could have called in a substitute.
Though our subs are kind of hit or miss.
We have one right now who represents everything I am not; she is young, fit, pretty, and very enthusiastic about the job.
Her first day here featured an incident that inspired the following Spot the Difference Picture:
Did you spot the difference?
I'll give you a hint: the kid on the left dropped a giant log of poop on the floor while the sub was introducing herself.
He did one of those "shake it down your pant leg" moves with such an air of nonchalance that you would think we were the ones in the wrong for being disgusted.
Maybe he thought she was attractive and he was just trying to impress her, in which case I can relate.
When I first met my wife
I showed her.
Actually I made that part about my wife and I up.
What am I even talking about?
How do you steer a post towards a conclusion when you're not even sure what it was about?
Oh now I remember.
I'm sick and maybe should have called a sub, because when I am sick I feel a strong sense of entitlement to be useless.
We had a sub last week who came in a little drunk and kept trying to tell the kids about how hard he had partied the night before.
Though my favorite so far this year was a sweet old granny lady who was so well-meaning you thought she was a dog with no front legs who still, oh painfully still, kept trying to do that "beg" trick you used to love so much.
I'm sorry that is a horrible thing to say about someone.
But anyways, during our aerobic class we were listening to Michael Jackson.
She sat herself down and really got into the music.
At first she started crying a little about Michael Jackson because he was dead.
Then she started swaying to the music.
Then she fell asleep.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can get away with half-assed posts like this one and you will still be interested in me, then I have so much to tell you.