Monday, March 5, 2012

From the mouth of blankets





Not really.

I spent the weekend rolled in my red Sick Blanket and telling my wife to relax.






Naf rupee.


Many times throughout history, I have hurried home from the grocery store, breathless with excitement, anxious to bring my wife the good news.


"Granola is fat free, FAT FREE! I bought three boxes!!"


And just as many times, like the doomed repetition of all our folly, my wife sighs, and sweetly looks aside to me, as one might notice a panhandler through a large impenetrable window.


"Oh but honey, it's very high calorie, remember?"


She pats my head as I hang it.


I guess I should have stayed home from work today, battling the rickets or whatever is wrong with me.


But here I am, with three students who would rather watch Sesame Street on the computer than have me go through their picture schedules and say in my dippy falsetto "we are all heroes" teacher voice: "Is this hot or cold, Lulu?" 


You can go through forty pictures with no response, and then you hold up the Golden Arches and voices from those who were voiceless intone in the perfect diction of the upstairs people of Downton Abbey: "BY THUNDEROUS JOVE, IT IS MCDONALDS THOU HAST PRESENTED UPON OUR PERSON IN ALL IT'S GOLDEN RAIMENT AND EXPEDIENT FINERY!!!!"

In education, we like to call this a teachable moment.

So I teach. 

"Yes. Yes it is Mcdonald's."

Lulu is what I call the very obese purple wearing girl in my class who is probably my best friend.



Sometimes when I cry, she pats my shoulder and says, "Don't cry, you'll rust yourself again."

I guess I could have called in a substitute.

Though our subs are kind of hit or miss.

We have one right now who represents everything I am not; she is young, fit, pretty, and very enthusiastic about the job.

Her first day here featured an incident that inspired the following Spot the Difference Picture:





Did you spot the difference?


I'll give you a hint: the kid on the left dropped a giant log of poop on the floor while the sub was introducing herself.


He did one of those "shake it down your pant leg" moves with such an air of nonchalance that you would think we were the ones in the wrong for being disgusted. 


Maybe he thought she was attractive and he was just trying to impress her, in which case I can relate.


When I first met my wife


HA!


I showed her.




Actually I made that part about my wife and I up.


What am I even talking about?


How do you steer a post towards a conclusion when you're not even sure what it was about?


Oh now I remember.


I'm sick and maybe should have called a sub, because when I am sick I feel a strong sense of entitlement to be useless.


We had a sub last week who came in a little drunk and kept trying to tell the kids about how hard he had partied the night before.




Though my favorite so far this year was a sweet old granny lady who was so well-meaning you thought she was a dog with no front legs who still, oh painfully still, kept trying to do that "beg" trick you used to love so much.


I'm sorry that is a horrible thing to say about someone.


But anyways, during our aerobic class we were listening to Michael Jackson.


She sat herself down and really got into the music.



At first she started crying a little about Michael Jackson because he was dead.


Then she started swaying to the music.





Then she fell asleep.



I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can get away with half-assed posts like this one and you will still be interested in me, then I have so much to tell you.

49 comments:

  1. couple of things here:

    "Don't cry, you'll rust yourself again." should be on some kind of card or pillow or badge. It's so sweet!

    Also, I loved the wife story, even though it's not true. I mean c'mon, shitting your pants?! She totally would have remembered you forever.

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    1. I think that line is trademarked by the Wizard of Oz people, but you should hear how she says it. It comes out just like Judy Garland herself was saying it.

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    2. oh. I probably should have known that. Non! Actually, fuck that. I didn't speak English when I watched the Wizard of Oz.

      Hope you feel better!

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  2. We have a local school that can't seem to find any decent subs. I get to work there almost every day, because apparently, everyone else in the district is either a drunk, stares at the girls too long, or has really bad personal hygiene.

    More money for me.

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    1. Cool! I especially like that subs stare at the girls too long....so creepy...can't imagine that happening here in this classroom though, at least not for the reasons you are implying

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  3. I love your 'stream of conscience' posts. I'm never quite sure where everything will end, but I never cease to enjoy the ride... :)

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    1. I'm happy that you liked it, but I have to say I am a little disappointed that I could not come up with a more coherent theme

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  4. "naf rupee" is such a good giggle inducer, and yet I knew egg-zactly what you meant.

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    1. I totally agree with eke, The Rust statement will sell, I could see that on a T shirt, made made me giggle.

      I have been semi-uselessly sick for a week eXcept forced to be a chauffeur for the wife who refuses to drive my pickup truck. At least I know how to keep my wife from absconding with anything of mine, just make sure it uses diesel.

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    2. Good one-deisel theft prevention.
      I think Oz company owns rust line, unfortunately, but you are smart, esbboston, what would be my legal risks there?

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    3. I didn't realize it was from The Wizard of Oz. I checked the wikipedia article on the book, and it was published May 17, 1900, and has been in the public domain since 1956. So I think you can use it, rework it without paying royalties or getting permission, but I am not an expert. So I would see if it is a line in the book or something added for the film.

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  5. Ms. Trunchbull, I did one of the things mentioned in this post today. I will let you guess which one.

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    1. Ooh! I know! I know! Stroked a comfort kush! Stroked a comfort kush!

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    2. If I had one that would go without saying. But no, it wasn't that. It had nothing to do with pants either, or Micheal Jackson, or napping. It was the granola -- just opened a new package. Does it have calories? I didn't notice.

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  6. I'm with Kevin. Beginning, conflict/climax, and resolutions are way overrated. I prefer your random ADD posts any day.

    I thought granola was healthy too. Maybe that's how I somehow manage to have cellulite on my calves?

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    1. Thanks Mary! Cellulite is cool, it makes people into more interesting nude models for drawing and painting. All those surface textures!

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  7. Stream of consciousness totally works for me. And what's with the subs? Geez, very strange choices...

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    1. Thanks for reading thescousewife-I try to be more on topic but sometimes I can't seem to pull it together, but I am glad I salvaged enough for your enjoyment.

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  8. You always make me laugh Gween. I might have been all over the shop and themeless but it made me laugh, out loud, to myself - Thankyou

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    1. Ha ha 'it' might have been all over the shop - not me! well mostly not me - except when I write comments on blogs of note - yes of note.

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    2. I love that expression that you are all over the shop. It seems to fit. And I am glad it made you laugh!

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  9. Half-assed post? This was great.
    It's funny, earlier in the year I found myself sick. I am not entirely sure what I had. The flu? Mono? A quiet desperation manifesting itself as a runny nose and a fever? I know with certainty I had a sinus infection because I suffer from them chronically. All that misery led me to the practice of meditation. Within two days, I was telling all my friends that the illness had changed my life. My brush with death, I called it. I am a drama queen, and everyone wants to behead me.

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    1. Nellie-thanks for reading. I am glad you approve of half-assery, because I fear there might be a lot of it coming down the pipe.
      I wish my life could be changed by a sinus infection, but I bet it is stubbornly holding out for something awful like colorectal cancer before it reverses course.

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  10. You are funny and awesome. Your posts never disappoint. It's all wonderful silly business. Thank you and keep on doing what you're doing cuz it's working!

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    1. Thank you so much Leslie! Really more often than not I am trying to be serious, but I guess it is ok that you interpret it as funny. I guess.

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  11. Ahhh another wacky post! I loved it. Especially the part about how nonchalantly he shook the load out of his pant leg for the overly happy sub! lol... I might follow his lead on that one - especially if someone around me had "decided" to be happy...

    You see, in that situation it would be just so tempting to test his/her resolve to stay joyful lol

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    1. Hey great idea! Kind of a lithmus test for sounding the depths of someone's true commitment to the path of optimism, which is basically just a way of resaying what you already said, which render this reply reeeeeeeeedundant.

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    2. lol well redundant... yes, but totally enjoyable too.

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  12. Hogwash. I just sent 2 new readers your way who work in your field. Get crackin'. They need to laugh about this stuff and stop sharing all their "I had to wipe another 200 lb kid's ass today." I don't cope well with that kind of talk unless it includes funny pictures and comic build-up. Give them a leg up, won'tchya?

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    1. Oh, thank you! I love new readers! I just hope they are not offended by my depictions of excrement. I draw it quite inaccurately and sometimes people get in a huff about things like "real poop has five stink lines, not three" and stuff like that.

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  13. Gosh, that lady was so old she was in black and white!

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    1. Ha ha! Yes, when you spoke with her, you definitely felt all the color drain from the world, especially when she described in excruciating detail every left turn she had to make to get to work that day.

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  14. Ahh Greenie, thanks for the first smile of the day!!!
    Ok {picture me shaking my head}, what is it with men and *low-fat* ?
    Mine always gives that excuse- "But it's low-fat!!" Who cares if it has 4000 grams of sugar per serving?
    Although, I am guilty of benefitting from his ignorance. "Yes dear, I am eating brownies, but they are LOW-FAT " ;) ;)

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    1. Yes, I did not know this was a universal staple of man stupid, but I see now that it is, and I feel like the butt of a joke from a comedian who spends his time telling why do men always jokes.

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  15. I've been juicing for 5 days now. Five. FIVE.

    Ergo, sadly, the drawing of the poo on the floor made me think of hamburgers.

    Which, naturally, let to random thoughts of tacos.


    Which led to nachos...

    What was I gonna say again?

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    1. You have made for me this day all the sick to my stomach because I see the real poop but read of you calling it various yummy meats and now they are all together for me, and I am stuck feeling like poop is meat and meat is poop and nothing will ever be happy for me again in my life.

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  16. It sounds like you and your wife have something special.

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    1. We do I guess. I don't know if special is the right word. Maybe just something.
      We have something.

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  17. I cannot Believe you quoted Matilda in this post...Genius, that is what you are. Loveit.
    I come here for a dose of shallow idiocy and leave satisfied....but it takes a genius sense of timing and pitch to craft your posts and drawings as well as you do.

    Yeah. I said genius. Twice.

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    1. Ooooh you are nice, but I didn't really quote it, I quoted Lulu, and she quotes Matilda ALL DAY. She even reenacts whole scenes from it if you get her going. But I will take all the genius compliments I can get, thank you.

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  18. I can't understand how you make this weird shit SO ENTERTAINING. I laugh, I cry, I get a little turned on, then I throw up in my mouth. It's a whirlwind of emotion.

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    1. Thanks for reading Knight! You make me feel so flattered and confused.

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  19. I hope that by now you are feeling better.

    But then even when you're sick you still manage to be the blogger that makes me laugh the most.
    Although Lily isn't far behind you.

    In the kids homes we used to get some rubbish sessional staff. Not always their fault, as you had to know the kids to get any response out of most of them, but I remember one particular woman who was clearly scared of them. The kids were having a water fight in the garden and she disappeared.
    We found her hiding behind a door in tears.

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    1. Thanks, cowgirl! You have to wonder how that lady even ended up at that job in the first place...I am glad I can make you laugh as much as Lily, I can't really think of much other purpose to this blog than to try to get a laugh out of people. It's kind of a pointless little thing, now that I think about it.
      Hmmm.
      That's kind of sad.
      (sob)
      ...thanks....thanks anyway....dirty...the dirty....the dirtycowgirl

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  20. 1] I love that you are a comic book nerd... judging by the flash tee. and the poop down the leg trick is priceless illustration, even if i don't get the physics of how it happened. hope your rickets clear up...

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    1. Hi Violet! Am I a comic book nerd? I am not sure...I have a post I started about my various dork fixes, maybe I will finish it just for you

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  21. my goodness, I love the way you draw yourself with your wife!! Its bloomin' adorable!!
    Hope you get better soon from whatever is keeping you in the red blankey!

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  22. I like that your wife's bathrobe appears again in this post. I'm kind of fascinated by its defiance of physics. Kind of like shaking out a log of poop while sitting.

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