Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The nail that sticks up is batted at by the ineffectual stubs of a manboy

Well, you know how it is.


Sometimes you have to blow in some insulation.


I had to, and I didn't even know what I was doing.


I even had to go to one of those giant home repair stores that smell like screw driver handles and potting soil.









Ronnie told me about the horrible things that can happen when you blow in your own insulation without knowing what you are doing.


Then he said contemptuously, "Suppose you'll have to rent your own blower, huh?"


I knew it.


I knew I looked like one of those guys who doesn't have his own insulation blower.


All that wasted time.


All that manlife spent incomplete.




After showing him I could do twenty push-ups without sticking my butt in the air like a Sodomite, Ronnie released the blower and a mountain of insulation into my custody.


I knew you had to wear lots of protection around insulation.




What can I possibly say?


It was dark, cramped, itchy.


I couldn't see a thing up there, and I was all alone. 


The insulation sprayed out from that wild bucking machine in giant founts that covered over everything.


I felt like a man doing the work of men, doing the things that men are called upon, looked to, to do. 


Hairs sprouted all over me, muscles enlarged, bones thickened; my god I could have thrown a football into eternity.


Nevermind I sprayed it all in one direction.


Never you worry that I filled one end of the attic while forgetting to turn and fill the half behind me.




Years passed.


Now, in my middle age, I feel perhaps I should have hired someone to do it for me.


But that has its own issues.


I know that when men come to fix things at my house, they look around and think that I am not one of them.







70 comments:

  1. HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!

    *inhale*

    *exhale*

    HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

    *snortsnort*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dying... your last illustration killed me.

    Just thought you should know, so that you can look for me on Curious and Unusual Deaths.

    Fat Girl Dies Laughing...

    film at 11...

    ReplyDelete
  3. "...my god I could have thrown a football into eternity."

    I love that line. Thank you for letting me into the deepest reaches of your soul. I feel like we should join hands and sing something now. Maybe a fight song?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hail to the victors valient!
      Hail to the something something!
      Hail to Mandy mandy, shmerny shmerny shmern!

      Delete
    2. You are Michigan?
      Me too.
      It is raining today.

      The same rain that upon me drizzles
      on Mandy falls as well
      She most likely in Edenic suburb lives
      while I toil away in Hell

      Delete
  4. As long as you've got the money to pay those who can, it doesn't matter if you can't...

    Funniest post I've read in forever!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, as long as you've got money.
      As long as you got it....(sigh)
      Glad you liked the post achdulieberjayne

      Delete
  5. I love that you have your own set of legos. Please don't ever stop blogging....

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    Replies
    1. Yes..."set" of legos....yes..that's all, only a "set", not tubs and tubs of them, not all built into a little lego city with a little lego train running around it, nope not that, not ever.
      (shame)

      Delete
  6. I bow down to thee, God of all things funny!

    Those last 3 pics made me PMSL, which in turn made me realise, that I need to tighten up my pelvic floor muscles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have recently found out that lots of women pee themselves more frequently than you would think.
      There are whole subdivisions of women peeing themselves out here.
      You should move out this way lily, then you can all laugh and pee together.

      Delete
    2. should i pee myself? i have to pee and this is mega funny, but i will mess my bedding and cannot abide that again!!!

      Delete
  7. can't...catch....breath....laughing....too....hard......

    Man, that was better than Chinese food and chocolate cake put together.

    Seriously. How are you not super-famous by now?

    Can't figure out which made me laugh harder - Dad's legos or distant shot of you pointing at satellite dish. I guess it doesn't matter. It's always just good, good sh*t here.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Marianne!
      I thought you might like the legos thing, because of our shared obsession.

      Delete
  8. Here's me thinking "what exactly do screwdriver handles smell like?? -- must sniff one to find out." And founts of insulation, well, that's just my favorite mental image of the day! Do you throw coins in a fount of insulation? Does it make your house instantly warmer if you do? You certainly don't want to prance around in a fount of insulation, that is, unless you want to be itchy for days on end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Screwdrivers from Sears have plastic handles that smell like they were mistaken for teats by suckling pigs, at least they did back in the mid-80s.

      Delete
    2. I don't think I want to know how you know what pig teats smell like. Ick.

      Delete
  9. Back in maybe 1980, the government was giving out grants for homeowners to have their homes insulated. There were no standards then - no training for the equipment, or safety regulations - nothing to say you knew what you were doing. And guaranteed payment.

    So my husband and a buddy decided they would go into business blowing insulation. It was fantastic - until one lady's dining room ceiling caved in.

    The next year, they decided to be chimney sweeps...

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    Replies
    1. Awesome! I could totally have crashed through my ceiling.

      Delete
  10. lmao at the smile on the characters face in the last 3 pictures, a nice touch, makes him look hopeful haha.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! the hopeful eyebrows were a direct steal from Steam Me Up Kids *hopeful eyebrows* joke, though hers is verbal-I just tried to picture what that would look like.

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  11. What a great post - I totally empathize with you. Last week my Dad came over to help me with my furnace because I am useless with manly jobs.
    He was elbows-deep in the furnace and asked me to hand him a 9/16" socket. I just stared at him without blinking because I had no idea what he was talking about. He just sighed, stood up and got it himself...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, I am completely the same way. My wife does any mechanical tasks that need doing. I hang around and sing songs to her while she works. Then she says things like oh hey, that song is nice, is it on the radio right now maybe turn it on and see, then she has to turn the radio on for me because all I can do is butt my wrists against it feebly and make meow sounds.

      Delete
  12. Replies
    1. Good question.
      From my admittedly limited experience, I would have to say yes. Yes, I believe they do.

      Delete
  13. You are so, so, so lovely and funny. I changed the battery in the smoke detector the other day. It encouraged me to do so by emitting an ear bleedingly loud noise. Continuously. That's what it does when it's battery runs out. Instead of politely conserving what's left it FREAKS out. Anyway I changed it. And I am a girl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Girl you may be, but still more man than me, for upon a chair you climbed to change the batteries, while I stare stupidly at the ceiling, alarm just outside my reach, and wonder how on earth to close the distance.

      Delete
  14. I think I'm in love. Again. I don't even have to watch this week's episode of Portlandia to fall out of my chair laughing (you sorta owe me a new chair now though, the leg broke on this one due to the abrupt and ungraceful fall, and also I twisted my back in a weird way. And I landed on the unsuspecting and previously asleep cat. She was, understandably, not happy. I will send you the chiropractor bill. And my ER bill for the stitches. And the vet bill. You're welcome.).

    xxo
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww MOV, I am so happy I could cause you so much physical discomfort and financial woe. It warms these old bones to think I still can do some good in this world.

      Delete
  15. I love how when you were asked for the fuse box location, the first one was the closest to reality and you kept getting "colder" (i.e. farther away). Manly Legos, that's what we all need.

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    Replies
    1. I went back and checked: you are capable of pointing with either hand, even if its the wrong object.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for reading esb! I have many many manly many legos, a sick amount that would disturb most people to see.

      Delete
  16. so many good parts in this one! your butt is not in the air like a sodomite ~ good to know!
    i feel kind of like the guy at the end when i talk to car people and they ask me questions about mine. um, hello! i put gas in it properly & take it for regular oil changes. no more should be expected of me!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading SherilinR, I usually try to let people know that my butt is not in the air like a sodomite. I think it makes conversations flow a little more naturally.

      Delete
  17. Once I dicided to put on as many shirts and jackets on as possible(haven't we all tried that? Or is it just me?) when the fix something guy dicided to show up. I will never live that down.

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    Replies
    1. I think there is nothing wrong with that, it sounds like a normal thing to do when someone is coming over.

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    2. 'put on as many shirts and jackets on as possible', love it!

      Delete
  18. Story of my life!!! I watch SO many videos on the internet before I try "man-shit". It seems to come so naturally for some guys. I prefer to study up on the subject before I even walk into the hardware store and try to ask for help. At least you can draw!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just make my wife do it.
      Things work better that way.

      Delete
  19. Next time, call me. I know what I am doing. And that is, sleeping with an expert who will do it for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, good advice!
      Though I don't think I was Ronnie's type....

      Delete
  20. hahahahaha........ laughing so hard I have tears trickling down my cheeks! Awesome post and illustrations! Sooooooo funny! Totally brilliant lol... god that was good! Thanks!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Bozo for reading and commenting!

      Delete
  21. Ha ha ha ha ha ha he he he he he he he....thanks

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    Replies
    1. Glad you liked it Julie! Thanks for being such a faithful reader.

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    2. How could I not? You da man Gweenbrick.

      Delete
  22. Good post ....... You cant beat some time with a gadget that blows stuff everywhere and makes you feel like a super hero.

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  23. Bahaha! I think this might be my all-time favourite gweenbrick post. I laughed hard at the picture of you playing with the train.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Stephanie! You are nice clay lady.

      Delete
  24. Ace.

    Hang on whilst I get my manly blog-comment tuning screwdriver.

    *twirlytwirlyhammerhammertwirlsproink*

    Extremely ace.

    There ya go. That should hold.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need one of those, but only because it seems like the kind of comment one should follow up with a "I need one of those"

      Delete
  25. This is the first time anyone has made insulation sound like an adventure to me! Tres Funny as per usual! *thumbs up*

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    Replies
    1. Thank you aysh, actually it was awful and I don't reccommend it.

      Delete
  26. I personally am man enough to try anything once. However, things often end up in worse condition than it was when I started "fixing" them. I dream of winning the lottery , and not for the booze, sex and drugs. I hate those things. The beach house will come in time. The travels to luxurious places can wait. No, I want to win the lottery so someone ELSE will come fix my porch. Is that so wrong?

    Gweenbrick, I absolutely love the fuse box series... the smiling face is classic. In my neck of the woods, that face would be replaced with a serious look, as if I've replaced the fuses under my sink a hundred times and I don't know why the fuse box got moved. Must have been my wife, har-dee-har-har.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey that would have made a great addition to the post, having me be confused as to why it was not the thing he was looking for-good idea Dpl, and I agree with you about what would be one of the best perks of winning the lottery

      Delete
  27. at least there were no table saws involved... btw- what program do you make these cartoons/documentaries with???

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading Violet! I use paint.net, it is free! And easy to use.

      Delete
  28. BAhahahah! This reminds me of my dad, a man so manly he couldnt even ask for help at the hardware store. Probably why 11 years later, the house still isnt finished and he is missing the top of his middle finger.

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  29. I love man blogs! You totally rocked my socks off I laughed so hard!

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  30. hey gweenie,

    not related to this, but can you add the gadget "Get this blog by email"? It is very easy to add, even if you do not know where your fuse box is located. Just go to the design page, then click on gadgets, then it should be the very first one. That way, all your readers can read your blog the second you publish it (well, this might be awkward if one of your readers is a surgeon because he might not want to stop in the middle of operating on someone to read about your students singing in the shoe store. But, you never know.).

    xxo
    MOV
    ps--please consider it. maybe your wife could help you install it, or her unborn fetus could perhaps give good directions as well, just sayin'.

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  31. Just punted to you for today. Too tired to come up with anything remotely entertaining. Enjoy the extra visits!

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