Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Lamont

Lamont was a giant of a kid with one of the most spectacular cases of echolalia I have ever encountered.


Anything he heard came back out again, sometimes for days on end.


If something struck him as particularly funny or interesting, you would hear it for months.


You had to be real careful of what you said around him.


If something embarrassing came out of his mouth, you had to deny that you had said it in the same way you might deny being the person who farted.


Often Lamont would change your statement just enough after while to let you off the hook; he would drop letters or even whole words, still keeping the tone and cadence of your speech perfectly but rendering what he was actually saying indecipherable.


Lamont's bus drivers, two grandma-like African American women, had a terrible time getting him off the bus.


You could not move the mountain.


You had to use your wits.


Luckily, Lamont had a weakness.


Everyday, he brought in a cassette tape from home.


It was his security blanket, his totem against all the powers of darkness and education.


If you managed to procure that tape, you held dominion over Lamont; he would follow you until the end of time. 


My secret method for getting Lamont off the bus:












All the way to the classroom I would run, the pounding step of death ever at my back.

The spit of threats, the pleading for tapes, the mad mix of echolalic chorus and lucid rage; and if those fingers like King-size 3 Musketeers were to close around my body.......

Out, out, the light....

But I always made it, and once in class, I would return his Precious.


Without the dangerous but effective tape method, Lamont would only move when Lamont wanted to.


You could tell when someone had been strongly encouraging Lamont to do something, because he would
spend all day bellowing:



We shared building space with a daycare, a preschool, and a charter school.

I would lead Lamont through the halls, one of his hands on my shoulder, past little lines of children, and he would be barking that out.

Each word of the pronouncement he struck with particular emphasis, leaving enough space between the words to let them stand on their own.

"MOVE  THAT  BIG  BUTT!"

As the day wore on, he would start dropping letters.

 
Sometimes his echolalia was like clues to a greater mystery.


One day, he said:




The next day:


And day number three:




Yes, good old Lamont had flushed one of his precious cassetes down his parents toilet.


My lasting memory of Lamont, though, is from when I was sitting at the computer during my lunch break.


I was intently buying things on ebay when I felt a breeze and sensed movement behind me.


Only a few inches from my back stood Lamont.


He had lifted his shirt halfway up his belly and was shimmying just enough to get some waves to ripple across his girth.


"Look at all that jelly," he mumbled.


"Look at all that jelly."


*******************************************************


On a completely unrelated note, the very talented Stephanie at Clay Baboons has immortalized me in clay!


She said she ran out of red clay, so she could not make me as fat as I really am.



Thanks, Stephanie.


Thanks.


On the topic of off-topic things, THANK YOU to everyone who has donated to Gweenbrick!


You are so awesome and generous!





44 comments:

  1. Oh, what a story! "It was his security blanket, his totem against all the powers of darkness and education." Some days I need one of those, but I'm not sure a cassette tape would be powerful enough. Maybe a chainsaw? Hmmm, that might be too scary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Security chainsaw has the ring of disorder to it.

      Delete
    2. Ooooh, I have a disorder? Sounds fancy.

      Delete
    3. Would a plush Alan the Monkey be less disorderly? That'd be way fun and free from any poo-flinging mishaps.

      Delete
  2. Dude, we didn't win the lottery. I'm glad that donate button is working.

    Look at that jelly. Brilliant. Lamont is brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Darn it. The only thing I have ever won is a Batman kite from a cereal box, and they never sent it to me.

      Delete
  3. THIRD!!!!! bwa hahahahahahahhahahahaha

    does not feel as good as first, but my computer is too damn slow.

    (*goes back to read*)

    MOV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. okay, now that I have read it in its thoroughentirity (not a word? should be), I gotta say: very very funny! I always fear my sons will go around at school mimicking my weaker moments ("Did I really eat TWO whole boxes of girl scout cookies?" or "Just wear the damn shirt, no one will notice that it's two days in a row.").

      and on a non-related note: soooooo envious that Stephanie made you a clay you. I want a clay me! (*note to Stephanie: if you happen to read this and happen to want to make a little tiny clay MOV, not sure why you would but who am I to question, please do me a favor and give me a boob job. Not obnoxious or anything, but you know, maybe like Cindy Crawford. I'd be happy with that. In real life, I am flat as a pancake and cannot afford the $$ or loss of personal pride for a REAL boob job, so it seems like clay ones might be my best bet. Thank you.)

      xxo
      MOV

      Delete
    2. Sorry I got there first, MOV. Hope you won't disown me. ;-)

      Delete
    3. nice pun. nice ass...umption. ;)

      Delete
    4. And ask Stephanie to make clay you, she seems super sweet and nice and willing to artistically perform for perfect strangers, so I bet she would do it

      Delete
    5. you are hilarious. she is already doing a guest post for me on leap blog day (oops, cat is outta the bag now) so I don't dare ask her to do more free stuff. plus, did you read her latest post? she never is able to fall asleep, and the added burden of making a clay MOV (although it would be beautiful and large-bosomed, unlike its human namesake) would surely be too much pressure.

      Hey, speaking of pressure, did you sign up for leap blog day? hop over to marianne's site and do it! (or you can click on the frog icon on my site)

      xxo
      MOV

      Delete
    6. I don't even know what you look like! Is that you on the cover of your book? Send me a picture of yourself...and we'll see what we can do. (Disclaimer: most of my people look exactly the same, with slightly different hair.)

      Delete
    7. Gweenie: Did you get the actual clay figure of yourself or just the picture? We may want to get it for a display at the future Gweenbrick Memorial Museum in Las Vegas (New Mexico, not Nevada, the real estate is cheaper there.)

      Delete
  4. I hope this means there will be a full line of GweenBrick action figures.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I made an action figure of myself for my wife one time.
      It even had accessories, like a donut and a ciggarette.

      Delete
    2. Did it have a kung fu grip and karate-chop action? I'm guessing no kung fu grip because then it would probably be able to bro snap.

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. I know! Its how I know I didn't make it.

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. How do you get rid of cold sores?
      Please advise.

      Delete
  7. I'd love to live your life for a day. Just one, though.

    (I'd love a clay ME, too...Just sayin')

    Great post, as usual!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here, you can live my life for a day:
      Wake up, boredom, boredom, boredom, oh gross, boredom, stress eat, boredom, quiet children! I'm in the bathroom! Goodnight honey, I love you. *weird dream about getting into hot tub with father*

      Delete
  8. Your clay figurine reminds me of how all the presidents get wax figures made by that hall of fame place... If I were a better American, I would be able to remember its name.

    ReplyDelete
  9. sounds like a dirty trick to be swiping that tape. though, if he flushed one himself, maybe it wasn't quite the precious commodity he sometimes thought it was.
    and to clarify .... your job requires wiping?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, I have worked with several kids that thought the toilet was a safe place to store their belongings. I found one guy flushing all his christmas presents down the toilet so he would never lose them.
      To clarify, yes it does, but only butts.

      Delete
  10. That clay figure is sweet! Now we need a purple girl one and Alan the monkey.

    ReplyDelete
  11. He sounds like a really fun guy! When your not wiping his feces.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have perfectly summed up the theme of this post.

      Delete
  12. There is nothing more unsettling than hearing a child with echolalia imitate you soooo perfectlyyyy that you suddenly realize how unintelligent you sound when you talk.

    Like, ohhh mah gawdddd.

    I used to load my little preschoolers with autism onto a bus that serviced the entire district, and a 12 year old girl from another school would be on the bus. As soon as she would see me, she'd begin: "Heyyy sweetieeee... Like, wowwwww... Looooooove your naaaaail polish! That's soooo totallyyyyy youuuu, riiiiiight? Ohhhh, looook at your backkk packkkk... loooove it!!! Sooooo awesummmm!!"

    ACK.

    Just...

    ACK.

    I'd love to say indignantly, "I don't sound like that!" except I know it would come out, "Duuude... I soooo totalyyyy don't sssounddd like thaaaat!"

    Meanwhile, sooooo totalyyyy jealoussssss of the clay Gweenbrick!!! Dude, that's sooooo awesssuuuuummmmmm!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is so funny! I spend most the day purposely saying stupid things to the students, so when they say them back to me, I am nonplussed.
      Which was really just an excuse to use the word nonplussed because it is neat.

      Delete
  13. ----I can NOT wait for Gweenbrick The Movie----

    Yes
    Yes
    Yes

    Real
    Stop Action
    Animated
    Or maybe all three ....

    I don't care what the format is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would be X-rated because of all the full frontal male nudity.

      Delete
  14. You're back with another entertaining post! Does this mean you are feeling inspired once more?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wha..? But I've been here all along with entertaining posts, right senorita? RIGHT, NELLIE????
      And as far as inspiration goes, not really....
      I can rattle off special ed anecdotes in my sleep, its the writing that is really starting to sag
      But it all comes in phases....

      Delete
  15. You're most welcome. I laughed at this story! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey there shtephanie. Any chances you will also be entering my Earl contest??

      http://www.candyforbfast.com/2012/02/tiny-manatee.html

      Delete
  16. haha, oh gweenbrick. Reading your posts with my morning coffee makes me feel warm on the inside. It may also be gas. But you get my point.

    Any chances you'll be entering my Earl contest??

    ReplyDelete
  17. Too funny! And the one of his butt borders on offensive, which I particularly enjoyed. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Love it.

    Your stories about the people you work with always seem to remind me of the kids I worked with. I guess there are many common traits - as annoying as they might of been at the time, it's those that make me laugh the most now.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Your blog is very good~

    Look at this!! Good video

    Click "good news"

    ReplyDelete