Monday, February 13, 2012

Casting couch



Once there was a man who had the free-floating unease and indefinable sadness of a fat white American.


A life devoid of the tragedy so prevalent throughout the world had left him with soft hands, buttery chins, a mighty expanse of flat butt.


If great calamity births mighty writers, then a string of a small disappointments must birth...tiny, disappointing anecdotes about things like old girlfriends and Jeffrey telling me his calculator told him to tickle me.

Jeffrey's hands are covered with freshly picked scabs, he constantly reminds himself to "keep his hands off his hand".


Those hands coming your way with the intention to koochie-koo you are an unpleasant sight.


Kootchie Koo. What is the etymology of that?


I would look it up, but the search bar is so far away........


I had a girlfriend in high school who never koochie-kooed me.


She had this delightful way of greeting me in the mornings.


Blora and I fought all the time and it was so awesome.

She was the first person to ever punch me in the face out of anger.





I am sorry for that V-8 joke.


I thought of it on the way to work today and I started laughing to myself.


After writing it down, dear god I am wracked with doubt.


I am the man who blows his nose and stops to analyze if blowing his nose right then had really been his best course of action.


Oh no, I should have snorted it back in.


It wasn't enough for a tissue, it didn't warrant that......


Now a kleenex is wasted, the box is one more closer to being empty, we are one step closer to having to buy another box, we'll have to rob our children's piggybanks to buy it, a tree in Oregon will fall, a child will cry when he has no quarters for a Hot Wheels car, the fallen tree will smother forever a delightful juniper bush.


Have you ever felt like you were on the very perimeter of something brilliant, something monumental?


All you have to do is push.


But what if you push through, only to find a joke about Alf giving you a back massage?





39 comments:

  1. FIRST AGAIN!!!!!!!!! bwa ha ha ha ha ha

    *goes back to read*

    MOV

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  2. Thinking about Alf always makes me feel uneasy. I think it's because when I was a kid, my cousin had a huge stuffed-Alf that smelled like cat pee. when I spent the night with him, I never got any sleep because Alf just sat in the corner of my cousin's room - smelling like cat pee and staring at me...

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    Replies
    1. Kevin, that is probably one of my favorite things that any one has ever written in these comments.
      I...I can't thank you enough.

      Delete
  3. ok, now that I have read it, I gotta say your wife is so much prettier than mustache woman from high school. you definitely traded up, my man, smart move.

    MOV
    ps-- and am loving how you ate the cucumbers that were on your eyes, supposedly to de-stress you

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    Replies
    1. Yeah I think so. Blora was a bit punchy.
      My current wife is more of an admonisher, with occasional pinch tendencies.

      Delete
  4. Hold up, is your therapist a monchichi? That might be your problem, right there.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah - That can't be good... :)

      Delete
    2. I looked like a monchichi when I was a kid.
      My parents even surgically attached a banana to my thumb and tried to sell me to the company, saying I could be the official mascot and all that.
      I stabbed out their eyes with my banana thumb and fled into the night, only to reappear years later and say, "Mammy, dontcha know me, Mammy?"
      "I can't see, I only hear your voice. It is unfamiliar to me."
      "Its me-" and I proceeded to sing the monchichi theme song
      "Monchichi monchichi how you mean so much to me"
      I laugh and somersault.
      My father comes to the door.
      "We don't want any! Get away!Quit making spectacle!"
      I am glad my mouth is perfectly shaped to put my banana thumb into it, because it is all the solace I have now, in the dark, in the quiet.

      Delete
    3. ohhh. a mini-gweenbrick post! gweenbrick-lite, snack size. I like it.

      xxo
      MOV

      Delete
    4. I told my cute little nephew (who is Japanese) that he looked like a little Mon Chi Chi! He looked at me, horrified, and then said something to his mother in Japanese, and she looked at me and said, "Mon Chi Chi means 'Penis' in Japanese."

      So yeah. I told my nephew he looks like little penis.

      Delete
  5. My back hurts. I would take a massage from ALF. As long as he didn't stick that weird long nose of his anywhere it didn't belong...

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    1. Gia, the very idea that ALF would do anything untoward is offensive to me.
      I'll have you know he is the perfect gentleman, unafraid of the intimacy nescessitated by the massage but with a complete respect for boundaries.

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. As proof of how stupid children can be, I used to think the following book title was hilarious: "Brown stains on wall by Who Flung Doo."

      Delete
    2. I still think that's funny. Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that to internet.

      Delete
  7. Why are you naked in the therapist's (?) office? Why is there cucumber in the therapist's office? Why is there a monkey therapist in the therapist's office?

    Why are you still so bloody funny, even when you say you have no ideas?
    You are definitely my hero! (swoons)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have many questions, lily, let me tackle them one at time:
      My nudity is a metaphor for the emotional nudity that is required to make the most of a therapy session.
      The cucumber is reference to the scales layed upon the eyes of St.Paul when he was blinded by truth
      My therapist is a monkey because a therapist I once had was a very hairy man from Brazil who was useless and drove a Jaguar.
      I am flattered that you still find me funny, though in person I believe you would be incapable of swooning around me.
      I have only ever caused one girl to swoon and she turned out to be a drama major, so it did not count, because they swoon when they put on warm socks or twease their upper lips.
      I have decided to blog through this phase of no ideas as a way of working out the problem,though it might lead to many nonsensical random and self-centered posts, as well as long winded comment replies with the syntactical consistency of diaherrea.

      Delete
    2. 1.OK, questions sufficiently answered.

      2. I'd swoon at a Kangaroo wearing boxing gloves and doing Seinfled
      impressions, if it made me laugh.

      3. Glad you're blogging through this phase, even if it does lead to many nonsensical random and self-centered posts, as well as long winded comment replies with the syntactical consistency of diaherrea...phew...think I need to go and lie down...

      Delete
  8. Was Blora a man? The unibrow and the mustache have me concerned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blora was a 100% Italian.
      I have dated three italian women, and all of them have been dark featured and mustachioed, but as a stringent logician, I refuse to extract from that the inference that all Italian women are mustachioed.
      Que pro quidis with me:
      Blora was Italian.
      Blora had a moustache.
      Some women are Italian.
      Some women are mustachioed.
      Some women are Blora.
      All moustachioed women are not Blora, ergo all Italians are not moutachioed.
      Quo vadis.

      Delete
  9. no no, the V8 joke was good! and i also sometimes have tissue anxiety. i often settle for one square of toilet paper in order to avoid wasting even half a tissue.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you SherilinR. My wife buys this weird kind of toilet paper that shreds everywhere the second you apply it to any kind of surface, meaning if you wipe your nose with it, you get instant moustache dandruff, which is actually one of the hottest looks a man can sport, so all right.

      Delete
    2. I suggest that you buy the proper quality of item for yourself that your spouse normally purchases junk, and then hide the good stuff for your own consumption. This can be most any item. For instance my wife will only drink tomato juice because V-8 has some eXtra tiny little flavor. I can buy a package of Butterfingers and they last more than a week, but she would consume them one after another.

      Actually you do just fine with no material. I think that was the genius behind the Seinfeld teleBision show.

      Delete
  10. Maybe kootchie-koo means "bludgeon me in the face with your hairy fists" in some language we do not yet understand? Thank heavens your therapist isn't the poo-flinging monkey type. That would be some session.

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    Replies
    1. He reserves poo throwing for those moments when I have lapsed into complete hysteria. Where others would kootchi koo their patients with slaps to the face, he flings his earthy output with unerring accuracy, driving ever deeper to the heart of the matter.
      I think I may no longer be understanding what I am writing in these comment replies.

      Delete
  11. P.S. I thought your therapist looked more like an Ewok.

    ReplyDelete
  12. One thing I really enjoy about this blog is coming back a few times to read the comments and Gweenbrick's replies. I laughed audibly twice at the coffee shop where I have been studying because of Gweenbrick's replies.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Just had a little catch up read.

    I do understand about the feeling that you have nothing left to blog about, I'm kinda in that place myself right now. What I've realised is that you can't force it - and also that once you have a good following they aren't going to go away just because you don't post, if anything they are even more happy to see you when you do.
    But - for someone who has nothing to write about you are still managing to be VERY entertaining so I wouldn't be stressing about it.

    Everything I was going to say about merchandising has already been said, t-shirts, mugs, stickers... I follow a few bloggers that started out that way and one in particular is now blogging about book signings. Even the Oatmeal started out similar to you and he is HUGELY famous now (http://theoatmeal.com/comics).
    But please don't use adsense - it puts a lot of people off blogs, and they do mess with your layout.
    Keep doing what your doing Greenie, I'm sure fame will come knocking on your door soon enough :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ps I just had another idea - you remember when I told you the story about jelly that was jam ? And I said I wish I could draw like you ? Why not, for a fee, offer to draw other peoples stories ?
      Like commisioned posts ?
      Then they can post on their blogs - which might bring more readers here....

      btw I tried to draw that story myself and it was shit.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for your kind and supportive words, dear dirtiest of cowgirls.
      I fear my drawing skills are barely enough to cover my own little stories, let alone someone elses. But it is an interesting idea..
      And you are absolutely right about not forcing it.
      Nothing good comes from force.

      Delete
    3. Except opening pickle jars and blowing up the Death Star - then you MUST use the force...

      Delete
  14. Bloras not a real name, right? Your first two pics if that adorable furry brown thing are awesome! I want one of whatever it is.

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    Replies
    1. Nope, name has been barely altered to protect the evil.
      That was alan the monkey, a thing I was drawing on this blog for about a week
      Thanks for reading and commenting Aysh!

      Delete
  15. So I'm not the only one with tissue fears!!! I feel like a terrible weight has been lifted off my shoulders!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stand proud with your toilet paper roll thinking123, stand and wipe forever.

      Delete
  16. Blora sounds amazing. We have to be friends. Call her, talk to her about me. Now that I know she is out there, I will not rest until I can proudly call her my bff.

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    1. But..but..she was so mean...and grumpy....and short.....and thought dog farts were show-stoppingly funny.....and her grandma walked by one time when I was giving her a massage and I was embarassed.
      Nellie, don't do it to yourself.....don't seek out Blora...
      She will only laugh at you when you do not notice a tremendous amount of toilet paper has clung to the back of your shoe and you have trailed it throughout her Lutheran church which you really did no want to be visiting in the first place because Lutherans are so..so chatty *shiver*

      Delete
  17. I have been waiting all day for a comment from Alan. I checked and he appears to still be alive ...

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  18. I think I may name my first born Blora.

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