Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A sexy moment

I'm sitting in a cramped little room while a man squirts a dollop of jelly on my wife's stomach.

My two sons watch closely, simultaneously fascinated and repelled.

One of them wants to know if you can eat that stuff.

A picture pops up on a screen over our heads, a picture of the alien-human hybrid flapping around in mommy's womb.




"Is that a penis?" I blurt out, then immediately regret it.

The boys loudly echo me. "Is it a PENIS? Is dere a PENIS? Does it have a PENIS? Where's that PENIS?"

It reminds me of when one of my beloved boys happily chirped "BAGINA! BAGINA!" as we walked our way through a large parking lot and into a church.


Though I had heard the word bagina before, during a sex ed class at the group home.

Our instructor used two stuffed dolls for illustrative purposes.


The man-doll looked like Robert Smith from the Cure and had bizarrely exaggerated genitalia.

The woman could have wandered up from a day of snorting glue deep in the city dump.

She had a Velcro pouch in her belly where you could store her gift of life, a felt potato with a disconcerting smirk drawn on its little face.


"Who can tell me what sexual intercourse is?"

"Its when you go to a dance and you're in love."

This bothered me, because I had been to many dances with these young men, often with very few females in attendance, and they had lined up to dance with me. 


Another boy proudly stated, "Sexis whens da man puts his seed in the womens bagina, and she goes to the hospital."


He had a right to be proud, as he had only recently learned the meaning of sex, and had taken it to heart.

Only a week before, this boy was riding in the car with his social worker, headed out to make a rare visit home.

She noticed he was uncharacteristically excited.

"You happy to go home?" she asked him, smiling.

"Oh yeah, I can't wait fo toonite." He did a little clap with his hands.

"What's going on tonight? Your family have big plans for you?"

"Yep! I'm gonna have sex wit my mom and my sista."

She slowed the car down, short of the highway entrance ramp, and pulled onto the shoulder.

"What?"


It turned out that he had learned you only have sex with people you love, and he had done the necessary calculations to determine who were his suitable sex partners.

I guess it made an awful kind of sense.


But she straightened him out, and the following week, as a room full of developmentally disabled young men pointed in wonder at the monstrous proportions of the sex ed dolls, he was able to bring his expertise to bear.


"Dere it go, wite dere, he gonna put that in her stomach and a little baby comes out da bagina."

Why does the world obsess so much about such a simple thing?

It permeates most of our popular culture, especially here on the Internet, and yet it boils down to the tiniest of events; a frazzled social worker, glasses askew, trying to wedge the stuffed penis of one doll into the bagina of another, and an audience of boys with special needs, rocking in their seats and losing interest.


Seen that way, sex becomes such a silly thing to preoccupy the minds of so many.

The man freezes a frame of the ultrasound and highlights a conspicuous protuberance with a little white arrow.

"You're having a boy."


I so badly wanted a girl.

I wanted to be one of those cranky, eccentric fathers who like to scare away potential suitors.

The plan was already in my head:


He would come to the door in his white tuxedo, bearing a corsage, his hair slicked back with a handful of Pomade. 

Blurry in the background, the elegant lines of the Cadillac borrowed from his father.

"Hello, Mr G."

"Hello, Arthur. She'll be down in a minute."

I take Arthur by the arm and lead him into the den.

"Let's have a little talk, Arthur."

He swallows nervously, and pries his collar a bit off his throat with one finger.

"S-s-ure Mr.G."

I reach into the lowest drawer of my desk and retrieve a shoebox.

Arthur's discomfort is like a third person in the room.



The sex dolls from those days of long ago now stand before him, one in each of my hands.


In falsetto, I start speaking as the woman first.

"Arthur, you're gross. My dad is going to kill you because you have no pants on."

I switch to the man.

"I'm sorry, I am going to run away and be a monk and stay away from everyone's daughters."

"Good idea, freak."

I am so sad when my wife walks in on my little puppet show and sends me to my room.

30 comments:

  1. Congratulations, either way!

    I have a friend who always puts an "R" in her vagina. As in, "vargina." I think she'd do much better with bagina.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congrats on the baby!!

    My son called my bagina "your Chinese black hole." (I'm white and I don't even eat Chinese food.) Sadly, it was an upgrade from when he insisted he swam out of my ass while I was taking a shit, profanity included. I don't even want to know.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congratulations! You can still do the puppets, you know. There are lots of misguided, predatory girls out there who could use a good scare from their date's creepy dad.

    My dad used to call my dates into the den, where he'd be sitting, cleaning shotguns. "You like guns, kid?" he'd ask. "You gotta be careful around guns. Reeeeeal careful. One false move, and they can go off when you least expect it."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHA, my dad cleaned guns in the living room when boys came over!

      Delete
  4. At my old job, they would show a Hinsburger video called "Hand Made Love". I wonder how much they paid that guy to ejaculate on camera. I never had to watch it myself, although I wish I did-just for laughs
    Congratulations on your next boy. My boy is the youngest with 2 older sisters. For a long time he thought he had a vagina. My husband got him into watching hockey so everything is Ok now.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear Gweenbrick,
    So sorry to hear about the penis.

    Love,

    Dani

    P.S.

    When I was pregnant with boy number 3 (I soooo feel your pain) and my belly button was sticking out 6 inches, my oldest son, who was 3, kept pointing at the gross protuberance and insisting to anyone who would listen, "Dat's my baby bruvver! Dat's hims pee-pee!" Apparently I was giving birth to John Holmes.
    Good times. Kids are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dude. Be HAPPY it's not a girl. SURE I will one day get to chase her suitors off my lawn with a shovel whilst wearing only a thong, but for now I have to deal with the horror of her getting her first per..perio..that thing and as a single dad had to SHOP FOR HER "SUPPLIES" BY MYSELF and will someone please shoot me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Epic news, and I can't wait to see where you go with baby sick and diapers on here ....

    I only had the one child, and part of my reasoning for not having any more was that there was a 50/50 chance of the next one being a girl. A copy of teenage me was the last thing I needed. If I could've been totally sure of another boy I might've repeated the whole mucky business, but it was a chance I was not prepared to take.

    Congratulations to you and Mrs Gweenbrick :)XX

    ReplyDelete
  8. Congrats on the baby. Sorry about the penis. Hey, he could always turn out gay and then you can still do the prom date puppet show. There is hope!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well, you could think of it this way -- You get to be the Dad to three boys who will one day (most likely) want to date girls. You can freak them out with the puppet show so you won't become a grandfather before your time. :-) We have 2 boys and I think of it as an opportunity to rear gentlemen who will respect women and not propagate the attitudes current in segments of our society. That's what I like to think. Most of the time it's like herding cats. Good luck and congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Congrats on the new baby news! I bet you're a really good daddy.
    Sorry about the no bagina thing though.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My son once informed me that his schoolmate told him that babies come from your mother's nuts.

    I was glad he asked me for clarification.

    Congratulations on your baby boy!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Congratulations and commiserations (mostly congratulations though)! The puppets were a good effort. My old school left sex-ed a bit late; half the class were on maternity leave by then.

    Stumbled on your blog through Blog of Note archives... Love it! So many back posts to read...

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am glad for you. My boys are both gone from home quite a while ago. I am going to stick to having one puppy at a time for the rest of my life, oh, and hopefully one wife. I am just hoping for intelligent future dogs, either gender. That is about the only thing that I think I hope for.

    ReplyDelete
  14. After wishing and hoping for a boy through 3 pregnancies and becoming the proud mother 3 beautiful little girls, I'm convinced that if I had walked around loudly proclaiming my desire for another girl, I'd have finally gotten my boy. The fates are bungholes sometimes...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Congratulations Gweenbrick - I have two of the sort with a penis and they're wonderful. I wouldn't know what to do with a bagina one...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Having one of each, the bagina is quite complicated.

    Penises are simple, both to look after and operate.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Congrats! As a mom of 3 boys, be sure to tell your wife about all the power she will hold one day. It's like being a Jedi Knight. Baginas are over-rated.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Consciously Sedated-Thanks!

    Megan-ha ha ha, awesome weird details about your life

    Steamme-i love that bit about your dad. I never thought of that, but of course the puppets could go either way

    C-are you serious???? Hand made love?? Agh that is hilariously bad.

    killer cupcake-dats him peewee-cool

    Mooooog-yikes! So much I did not consider about girls....you're a better man than me, mental poo

    dirtycowgirl-thanks! Aww, you didn't want little yous?

    dplblog-gross!

    Knight-yay. Can't wait for that lucky break.

    thescousewife-herding cats, I like that.

    KevinRouth-thanks!

    Mandy Fish-awesome, your mother's nuts is such a wonderful concept

    Lainey-glad you're here! Thank you so much for reading.

    esboston-thanks-I don't know if dogs of the future will be smarter. I wish I did.

    lilkittin-you make with me a trade maybe?

    Julie-yeah, bagina ones might be too mysterious for you and I

    The Jules-good insight there on penises, wise words my friend.

    Marianne-thanks! She checks out your blog and gets all kinds of ideas

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love how your kids picked up on the penis question... such cute little parrots lol! Congratulations.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Your posts are always so entertaining. I love the way your mind works, the way you write. When you post, reading what you've written is my favorite part of the day.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Gweenbrick,

    Congratulations on your new baby boy you and your wife are having! YAY! As for not being able to use your "Arthur" speech on future potential suitors, you just wait: I hear teenaged girls are little trollops. You might get to use the speech (or a variation) after all.

    best,
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
  22. Considering baby Gweenbrick is already sporting a unibrow and teeth, I'm gonna go ahead and say I'm happy for him. If baby Gweenbrick were a girl with a unibrow, I think I might feel sorry for her. Though a female with a unibrow may delay the puppet show.
    Here's hoping Baby Gweenbrick continues to grow healthy and has a safe delivery. Congratulations to Mr. Gweenbrick and his Lady Friend.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Gia-thanks!

    Lady in Red-yep, little penis parrots

    Nellie-thank you so much! That is a very flattering thing to say.

    MOV-I really hope so, but it could get a little creepy if I bring teenage girls into my den and put on a naked puppet show

    Danny-Thanks Danny, we were all surprised when the ultrasound revealed that unibrow. Are you saying not many suitors come a'courting when the lady has unibrow?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Congratulations, Gween! I really could have used those dolls when I had the sex talk with my oldest. She would have been terrified.

    ReplyDelete
  25. A slightly disturbed, yet oddly endearing genius. That's it, I need more.

    ReplyDelete