Thursday, January 12, 2012

The job you know


Turned down for another job again, didn't even get to the interview stage.


I ponder this while at the dreaded shoe store.

My hand absently falls to the front of my pants, discovering there the wide gap of an unzipped zipper.


It's because I'm not a professional person, isn't it?


These pants are held closed by a tiny safety pin, having lost their button long ago.


Before I had a belt, I wore a cord around my waist, tied in the front.




What's wrong with me?
Why did I think that was cool?



I'm watching Jeffrey problem solve: 


He keeps turning to look at me.

There is panic in his face.



"Go around," I tell him.


"I know dat," he answers, but he doesn't move.


The rows of tall lady boots topple over like Domino's under Martin's heavy hands.


It always bothered me that in the manual for Super Mario Bros., they use the term "Domino effect" to describe what happens when Mario kicks a Koopa shell into other enemies, and then, in parentheses, say "Ask your parents."


Why?
What is so secret, so taboo, about the Domino effect that it is safeguarded knowledge left to parents to impart?


Why can't I find a job?


Each year that passes, I get older and fatter; the chance of getting hired gets slimmer.


He's a risk to our health insurance.
He doesn't fit into our standard issue office chairs.
His fly was open through the whole interview.
Lets start with a pros and cons list: Was there anything about him that didn't shout "moron"?

 



39 comments:

  1. If its any consolation, the episode of the NBC show "Harry's Law" had a legal fight where they tried to get "personhood" for a gorilla. Based on the view of you in the next to the last picture, (and I say this complete love and affection for all great apes) you kinda look like a bald albino gorilla. So if gorillas get personhood, improve their communication skills beyond sign language to include Oracle Database Systems Administration WWST (With Web Stuff Too), it just doesn't look good for your job prospects with the increase of Great Apes in the workplace.

    "Curious George, meet Curious Gweenbrick"
    Both sign to each other, both grunt.
    But only one of them gets the job.

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  2. I think somebody needs a hug! (Arms stretched wide, ready for embrace. But for godsakes man, put some clothes on first!)

    Ps, Sorry you didn't get the job.

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  3. Haha - I'd hire you for something...

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  4. I'm sorry that I enjoyed your suffering so much...

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  5. The job you wanted
    Was not the job you got
    You were taunted
    And forced to clean up snot
    That was on a good day
    For there was also poo
    What else can I say
    Except I feel bad for you
    Your creativity I see
    In your art
    While you clean up pee
    And listen to them fart
    Making your wife work
    So you could draw all day
    Would not make you a jerk
    (and someday it WILL pay!)

    GET YOURSELF A BOOK DEAL.

    best,
    MOV

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  6. I'm sorry you didn't get the job. That being said, maybe you should consider wearing shoes. The thong-pants thingie I can look past, but not naked feet.

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  7. MOVs poem is hilarious!

    But maybe you could go on one of those make over shows like 'How do I look?'. The result being a healthy dose of 'go girlll' positivity, and a pair of heels. I'm sure your chances of job success would improve significantly if you cross-dressed at interviews!
    Good luck!

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  8. Every time I have a bad work poop incident I say over and over to myself-"I should have been better at math and science"

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  9. Hahah yes "trollop." THAT is the word i would have used...

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  10. I'd hire you but my shoe store/full-service restroom/doodle shop probably won't last too much longer. I thought I saw a glaring need in the mall, but the economy just sucks I guess.

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  11. "Seizure Gweenbrick" pretty much did it for me this time. Here's hoping for that dream job soon!

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  12. I'm going to add "Heckling the Boss Man" to my list of Things To Try At A Job Interview. Because so far, sitting there smiling real hard hasn't worked well for me, either.

    Meanwhile, answering a question with "Poopy" is brilliant.

    Freaking.

    Brilliant.

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  13. Sorry you didn't get the job - next time you should start by only wearing the aqua colored thong - that might help.
    Shhhhhhhuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrbit?

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  14. I think your potential bosses are just not seeing your brilliance. Maybe you should "cartoon" your way through the interview? Ok, maybe not, but it would sure be a lot more fun! Sorry about the job. :-(

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  15. esbboston-it was very late when I drew this, the product of insomnia, and the lines between man and ape were blurring as I worked

    lily-thanks for the condolence, I understand why you would not want to hug me in that state of undress

    Julie-I appreciate that

    Lady in Red-thanks, sicko

    MOV-nice poetry slam. I would probably explode under the pressure of a book deal, though. And I am not sure people would pay for my cow when I am blogging the milk for free.

    Mars-yeah, I knew I was kind of crossing the line there

    Aysh-I would make for a phenomenally ugly woman. That might hurt my chances even more.

    C-yep, exactly.

    Gia-thanks for reading, Gia, I appreciate your loyalty to my navel gazing

    Alan-you overspecialized, people want to be drowned in options when they walk into a store

    Marianne-thanks, and yes. Here is hoping.

    Killer Cupcake-I'm so glad you liked it-and remember the timeless "open fly" technique as well

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  16. kevin routh-I'm thinking about that, start in with the melt down, and then slowly build yourself up into a professional demeanor during the course of the interview. Show'em you can get yourself together under pressure. Start in thong, get dressed as the interview goes on. Thanks for the tip, Kevin!

    thescousewife-That would be awesome, to bring in a big drawing pad and then doodle out my resume. If only employers were more open-minded

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  17. Am I the only one bothered by the fact that what happens when Mario kicks a koopa shell is not in fact the domino effect? The same koopa shell knocks each bad guy off the screen - not the preceding enemy.

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  18. Kristy-you might have just broken the whole mystery wide open. However, there is a tiny, microscopic chance that I am misremembering it. TINY, but possible.

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  19. just an FYI... I'd totally pay for your cow.

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  20. You are not going to get this kind of writing material at a normal job.

    Do you want to destroy the heart and soul of this blog? Do you care so little for Blog of Note that you can just kick it to the curb as soon as some shiny new job with "benefits" and "self-respect" comes along?

    You sicken me.

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    Replies
    1. I totally agree with Mandy underscore Fish. Self-respect sucks. Don't do it, man.

      best,
      MOV

      Delete
    2. (Oh, no! The Occupy Gweenbrick is starting ...)

      Delete
  21. Gweenbrick as trollop.... Bbbwahhahahahahaha

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    Replies
    1. Okay, I can't figure how to post a comment, only a reply. Apologies. Do you make teeshirts of your drawing? Because I need one for every frame in this post. Puhleease? You could maybe by shuuuurrrrrbit with the proceeds. And then blog about it. Also, marry me? haha

      Delete
  22. If I was rich (I'm not so don't get your hopes up) I would employ you to write my blog for me in hilarious cartoon form.

    But maybe there are rich, lazy bloggers out there who would ?

    I could be your blog pimp. That way we can both get rich while we wait for our turn as rock gods to arrive. (I have dug out the recorder and found a second hand vile din - it only has two strings but I think one is an E so we're good).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ps...the T-Shirt idea ^ is a great idea !

      Delete
  23. lilkitten-that is one of the nicest things any one has ever said to me

    Mandy-oh man, I would sell-out faster than you could say (insert name of notorious celebrity sell out here, cause I can't think of any)

    asplenia-it never occurred to me to make T-shirts, but if you design and make one for me, I'll buy it off you, as long as its not too expensive. Marry me? Are you an Arrested Development fan, or are you really asking? If the former, yes I'll marry you, if the latter, than no, I can't, I can't inflict myself on anyone but my long-suffering wife

    dirtycowgirl-if I ever come to England, we can go busqueing
    You can be my blog pimp, but don't let nobody cut me

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  24. I just now realized your cord-for-belt in the second picture was an electrical cord. When wearing it around power receptacles you would want to be eXtra cautious that you don't electrocute yourself if it would accidentally get plugged in.

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  25. Your picture of Gweenbrick loudly pondering the deeper meaning of life reminded me of Tien Shinhan from Dragonball Z. Except your unibrow covers his third eye.

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  26. nice blog very interesting. do visit my blog at http://scoutingeverywhere.blogspot.com/ about scouting, camping, and fun

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  27. You should totally go into consultancy.

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  28. You're looking for the wrong jobs, man. I once held a position that included the function of "editor of book databases". I almost got canned for yelling at an editor in the way you depict here. You're asking for trouble if you wanna know the truth. Why not try this job instead?

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  29. I'm just happy your inability to find employment, and so your lack of a secure future, was able to bring me fleeting bliss and chuckles that were barely audible. Really. I think you're great. Who needs professional when they could have you. Professionalism is overrated.

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  30. For all the complaining you do about your weight, you look half-decent in a thong. Hang in there... good things come to those who wait... in the buff.

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