Friday, January 20, 2012

Intrusive thinking

I'm driving down the road with a feedbag of trail mix wedged between my thighs.

Peanuts and choco buttons rain down through my fingers as I grab the recommended serving size with each dip into the package.

I am less than human as I retrieve each morsel that hits the seat and slides beneath my legs.

No hand is on the wheel, no thought is on the road, all my faculties, all I am, is intent on eating.

"I have a frog in my throat," Jeffrey announces from the passenger seat.

I had almost forgotten he was there.

"Yeah?," (munch)(munch), "what's it saying?" I manage to ask.

He imitates a parrot.

"Rawp, froggy want a cracker. Rawp, froggy want a cracker."

"That's weird."

"Yep," he says.

When we get out of the car, he says goodbye to the calculator I make him leave on the seat.

He opens the door and says goodbye three more times.

One part of his brain forgets to send the "we already said goodbye to the calculator" signal to another part of his brain which releases the "that felt good to say bye to my calculator" chemical to the part of his brain telling him he still needs to say goodbye to his calculator or he won't feel good.

I am the stand-in for the parts of his brain that aren't speaking to each other.

"You already said goodbye. Quit opening and shutting my door."

"Oh. Right." he says, stepping away from the car but still peering longingly into the window.

"Jeffrey, come on. Time for work."

He pries himself away.

There are times in my life I really could have used me as a stand-in for my fractured brain, too.

You know?

I would love to pay me to follow me around and tell me when I am engaged in crazy or harmful behavior, when I am about to spend money frivolously, or have fallen behind in my bills.

 I think I would like to have me wipe me.

Because it can be a real pain to do it myself sometimes, just so very time-consuming.

Though if it were really me taking care of me, I have to be honest and say I have grown a bit lazy over the years, and am not the strapping, able special ed worker I used to be.

To give myself the best possible care, I would need someone to supervise the me taking care of me.

And since most teachers are idiots, I would only permit someone as smart as myself to be my teacher.

So I the teacher, I the paraprofessional, and I the student.

It would get really crowded, because all three of me eat too much trail mix.

Though, like Jeffrey, I used to have this problem called Intrusive Thinking.

My brain told me irrational, often disturbing things, right out of the blue.

Or it told me the traffic light was green after I had already driven through it, and it kept telling me the light was green long after I had gotten to my destination and parked the car.

I discovered that alcohol seemed to stop the problem, but then I had another problem called Alcohol.

Though there was nothing monumental about my descent into, and subsequent rise from, the pit of a drinking problem. 

In fact, my hitting bottom would be almost laughable to many alcoholics, but it was perfectly me.

I came to myself in the dark woods of a local dive bar, surrounded by people I had not seen since high school, and I was pretending to be happy to see them, the alcohol effectively blotting out my normally crippling awkwardness and utter distaste for running into old acquaintances.

It was like getting drunk and rolling around in your high school yearbook, your beer sweat moistening up the signatures and little notes enough to leave them rubbed off on your body.

The "U so crazy in chemistry class what what"s and the "Have a good summer, fat ass"s and the "So glad I got to know you this year"s smeared all over you; the authors, people you barely remember.

You feel so falsely extroverted and dirty.

That's how I know alcohol is evil, at least for me: it makes running into people from high school seem tolerable, almost pleasurable.

There is something deeply wrong with that, something incompatible with who I am as a human person.


  1. I'm not entirely sure about the condition of your sanity. And I like that. As a second-time visit, this is definitely the funniest blog I've run across in a long time. Cheers! Or, Un-Cheers, as it were, you beer-sweated animal.

  2. I absolutely adore this concept of a You taking care of the other You and reprimanding the first You to not have bonus donut.

    I may have to steal this idea and write a blog about what that would be like for me. Oops, SOPA rules and all that: Gweenbrick, I respectfully request and ask in my nicest voice with a pretty please and a cherry on top can I please plagiarize your blog idea?

    So, anyway, like I said, you inspired me. My extra Me would go around telling the real Me to get off my butt from typing on the computer and procrastinating and maybe go do some actual work. The other Me (the first one, the one still on the computer, try to keep up) would storm off in a huff and eat the last of the ice cream (this only because we have no donuts). The baby bratty Me (this is actually both of them) would have a little tantrum about not getting her way.

    On second thought, maybe one Me is enough. *sigh*

    ps-- why do you not follow my blog officially, Gweenbrick? (oops, that is the pushy Me, the first one, not really being very socially correct, I find myself apologizing for that Me quite a lot-- it's a curse)

    1. I definitely think only one MOV at a time would be adviseable. It might be like a matter-antimatter sort of thing, and with the total annihilation of matter to energy with the e=mc squared equation, well, good bye to a good chunk of the eastern coast of the United States of America. I know I could only stand one of me, because there are times when a half of me is just about right.

    2. oh I love this!!!!


  3. Now I want trail mix!! *homer whisper* and someone to wipe my butt!
    Did you ever find out the funny joke? Cause my brain is asking.. and asking... and asking...

  4. I have intrusive thinking. I have to shut it up with Harry Potter. No lie. I have to force myself to walk through the stories to shut my brain up, usually so I can sleep or not throw myself off a bridge. Fun stuff.

    1. Do you take the part of a character, or just follow along as if the book is a movie?

      At least you have good stories to think through. Could be a lot worse. Unless you have to think through all 7 books each time, in which case you should probably find something shorter.

    2. Like I am watching/reading it.

      Sometimes I also use Back to the Future.

      And I can usually quiet my brain within a few scenes.

  5. Oh, I'm only halfway done and this is the funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life, maybe. Please don't ruin it in the second half, pleasepleaseplease .... the line "I am the stand-in for the parts of his brain that aren't speaking to each other." just about made me break my chair laughing, oh, my froat hoits now. Pushing the pause-resume-play button on my reading ....

  6. I have a new recipe that I am going to add to my recipe blog later today. I try to keep my recipes away from my other writing, its just better that way.

    Recipe: Pop a few cashews in your mouth as you eat a Payday candy bar

    I am in the process just beginning to learn how to drink, and I only drink at home, no high school buddies, no yearbook. I might accidentally get a temp job installing a point of sale system at the liquor store. I never dreamed that alcohol would get me a job someday, but then there is also methanol which I need to make a batch of biodiesel and build my first reactor and still. I am finding it very difficult to find cheap methanol in my town. Or even used cooking grease. But soon this chemist will have a reactor and distillation setup, so I am eXcited about being a chemist again, even if its no longer a career.

  7. And yet again you have me crying with laughter.

    I think if I had another me to take care of me the only certainty would be that the shop would run out of chocolate.

  8. If I had a me to take care of me, we would both be able to play Super Mario Brothers Wii and not want to kill each other. Neither would get in the other's way, and we would save the princess in record time.
    I'm not sure I'd want someone else wiping my butt though, even if it was me.

  9. A beer for the shower-thanks for reading! I've never been called a beer sweated animal before. It seems bad....

    MOV-your comment fused my brain together with all those pronouns-wow. I don't know why I don't follow you officially. I've been to your blog....I've clicked on things there...I know I have...but maybe not the follow button? That's it, I'll do it! The many MOVs made up my mind

    saintlov-I like that you said 'homer whisper' because that 'this time' I put in there was a direct rip fromt the Simpsons

    Jrose-that is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about. Its such a pain, especially combined with sleeplessness.

    esbboston-i think I blow it in the second half-let me check.....yep, it sucks really bad in that part. Sorry.

    dirtycowgirl-awesome, two yous would co-conspiraters be, let not one the higher road to take, but both cowgirls to depths descend-?

    Danny-your comment caught me off guard! Very funny, that "I'm not sure I'd want someone else wiping my butt though, even if it was me." I should have used that

  10. I was going to comment about how reading the official "issues" of some former clients made me ponder my own life, in a "Hey!! I do that. What's wrong with ... " but then the "Four today" part just, ewww, just ewww.

  11. Weird... I followed me around the other day after someone suggested I'd make a good Reality Show. Turns out I'm very uneventful, boring, and extremely clumsy.
    If I had a me supervising the me that was following me around all day, we could have skipped the entire mess completely.

    Know what I mean, jelly bean?

  12. This is such a nauseating idea: "It was like getting drunk and rolling around in your high school yearbook, your beer sweat moistening up the signatures and little notes enough to leave them rubbed off on your body." It clarifies why I do not care to ever attend another high school reunion. Yes, I went once, to my 20th. Bleh. Not much had changed. As for there being more than one of me, sometimes I think that would be great. One could do the household work, one could play with the offspring, one could do whatever she wanted. I want to be the last one. ;-) (Only sometimes.) [Geez, ramble much?]

  13. You need a few more GweenBrick Me Clones...
    You were working tooo hard picking your own nose...
    Clone for nose picking with out the nerve blast of nose hair yanking.
    Clone for belly button lint and toe jam monitoring and culling.
    Clone for nail clipping which I can guess is worthy of combat pay due to nail shrapnel.

    1. And... Supervisor Clone... slap a respirator on the butt wiping Clone that's a HazMat situation ya got there!

  14. Haha - I would like another me to wipe my bum too. Heck I'd like another me to go to the toilet for me sometimes, because other times it's a pleasure to go...but I'd still like to pick my own nose.

  15. Kind of a deep one this time (in between wiping oversight & 2 Much for One Man trailmix...that one gave me a good belly laugh). I'd pay for solitary confinement. Who wants to deal with all these people? You missed my FB post about arguing with the guy at the Lego store because he insisted Lego would have to buy the rights for the ship off James Cameron in order to make a Lego Titanic. My head exploded. You can't argue with stupid. Or crazy. So we drink. xoxo The Misanthrope

  16. From Wikipedia (legally) : The shekel is the currency of the state of Israel since 1980.

    I wasn't sure if that was the same word or a typo from picture number 6, as your word has a "c" in it.

  17. Trail mix is dangerous. Don't you know it's replacing Justin Beiber as the leading cause of depression? And it is also more dangerous that texting while driving and sneezing while driving combined!

  18. So pleased I stumbled across this blog- guarantees to make me chuckle!

  19. Thank you for making me see life differently with a new fun perspective!

  20. Nice blog, hi friend, i found that there is one website offering free puzzle games. Just take one minute to sign up then you will receive one free puzzle game. Its URL is Click the below button of the page to get in. I've done it and now i am enjoying it. Would you like one?

    1. WOULD I? Lay that free puzzle game you are enjoying on me, Monica!

  21. Wow you have presented intrusive aspects of perceptions in people with so much simplicity in a cartoonist way....I just find my smile more bigger after experiencing the behaviours you depicted..!!