Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Death in the Family

I have sad news.

When I was younger, I had a gerbil that died when its lower teeth grew into the top of it's head.

In that experience, somewhere, is a metaphor for how I feel on this day.

Earlier this week, I did a post when I should not have.

I try to only post when I have an idea that strikes me as funny, but I went ahead and forced one anyway.

The result was not good:
In the course of that train wreck, I inadvertently singled out someone we will call "Cynthia".

I just thought her comment, which will not be repeated here, was funny.....and I couldn't stop thinking it was funny, even when it was not really funny to me anymore.

Also, I invented an unflattering, totally fictional depiction of what Cynthia might look like:

I meant no harm.

Really, I have just been longing to use the line "A-LA PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES" from Mumford the magician on Sesame Street, as I recently read it in a bed-time story to one of my children.

That happens to me sometimes; I will obsess over one dumb thing and try to build a whole post around it.

Apparently, Cynthia did not appreciate any of it.

She unfollowed me.

Now, to those people out there who have a million readers, the loss of one follower is like losing a penny in a couch; you really want to look for it because it was your lucky penny, but there is no way your sticking your hand in that nasty couch.

But for me, and my under-read brothers and sisters, the loss of even one reader is just....just nauseating. 

Seriously. When I saw she was gone, I had to put down the loaf of banana bread I was gnawing on, because I wasn't hungry for a second.

Thankfully though, I was able to eat it again after a minute.

It was really great!

Then I wandered into the school kitchen to eat some more stuff, and drink all the coffee before anyone else could have any.

I passed a student named Carla, the one that is supposed to be Jeffrey's girl, and she smiled at me.

"You no dick?" she asked me.


"No-o-o, you no har dick today."

I took a sick day a week ago. She must have just noticed I was back.

She asks questions all the time, mostly the same ones, and when you try to answer, she always begins her interruption by saying "No-o-o-o-" in a marble-mouthed whine. It is......very endearing.

"Yep, I'm not sick anymore. I wasn't really sick, I just-"

"No-o-o-o- my hair cock, nice. Wash my head?"

And I say 'Yes!' because I do not understand her, and I do not want to be kept from whatever is worth eating in the cupboards.


  1. It was the Admonsihment Hat. It was just too effective.

    I think we've all learned something today, and are wiser for it.

    I've learned that I can't teach a rabbit to hula hoop.

  2. you know what this blog needs? a give-away. all the cool blogs are doing it. you could find a really cool company to sponsor it and give away something really valuable and awesome to give to one of your readers. or you could give away one of the toys that noone would even take out of the 'free box' at the rummage sales you went to, and make your readers do something ludacris in order to be placed in a random drawing.

  3. I've learned that you can eat a loaf of banana bread without slicing it. Which is going to be a huge time saver for me.

  4. Well, Cynthia may have gotten butt-hurt over it (oh snap!) but I thought the use of "a-la-peanut butter sandwiches" was pure comic genius! And you brought to light an important diagnotic tool for those who just haven't had enough hypochondriac symptoms! I'm sure many people went to bed that night with a butt paddler just a-waiting in the wings! Carry on Gween..

  5. I still get sad every time someone unsubscribes from me, and I notice, clearly... and then I make up mean stories about why they left, usually having to do with my most recent post and sexual abuse of some sort.

  6. The Jules-here endeth the lesson.

    medora-wha...? this blog needs something? (sniffle) but (sniffle) but...I'll try harder, I really will. Tonight I'll come up with something about Thomas?? huh? huh? everybody likes thomas..something..gotta think, dangit..think..

    Kelly-I think most foods are better unsliced. Its' purer that way.

    saintlov-thank you for the encouragement, but I hesitate to take any kind of credit for anyone else's decision to paddle their own buttocks. Its just not the legacy I want to leave behind.

  7. Jrose- I am not actually sure it was Cynthia that left, and admitting that undoes the profound meditation I just posted, but it also keeps me from making up mean stories.

  8. When I notice my "follow" count has decremented I just assume:

    1) They accidentally clicked "unfollow" while moving the mouse around erratically, waiting for the meds to kick in
    2) Google f-ed up
    3) That person has died and their family has just deleted their Google account
    4) Chinese hackers!
    5) A graviton wave has erased all evidence of that person from the timeline, but I'm the only one to notice since I'm immune to graviton waves (it's the only super power I've discovered so far)

  9. When someone unfollows me I assume they have left blogging entirely. Like they said something so embarrassing or cruel that a blog hoard of angry villagers has come and flamed their site OR someone unfollowed them and they couldn't bear the cold hard world of blogging anymore and deleted their blog site completely and recreated a super secret alternative identity so they can follow everyone who has wronged them and leave passive aggressive or just aggressive aggressive troll comments.

    You know, Occam's Razor, basically.

  10. Alan-I am going to come live at your blog, because you write better comments than I do

    Mandy Fish-I would say I think you are on the right track there with your assumption, but I would be lying and possibly feeding a delusional person more fuel for their crazy bonfire.

  11. I actually only want followers who want to read me. I could actually care less what the number is. I just produce content that is hopefully entertaining, and that somewhere out in the potential seven billion people and any gorillas who secretly travel the info-sup-r-hiway, that my material resonates in sync and they enjoy. I have had to drop a couple of people in Facebooq because they just did not understand my sense of humor, and most importantly I just sensed they were basically mean rude people. I got tired of explaining and defending myself over trivial issues, and these people were too far away and I had actually spent time with them earlier in my life. Enough!!! Threshhold exceeded, open hatch. Zip. Gone. Next. Life is a refining process.

    I encourage you to be you. The Cynthia Post was pr-et-ty wild, and I noticed when it disappeared, I laughed and said to myself, "OO00ooo,,,,,.....someTHING bad musta happened"

  12. whenever i lose one, i assume that someone has made up a new blogging alias for themself and deleted the old one, causing my count to go down by one. either that, or they only like funny stuff & from time to time, i write unfunny stuff. or they get tired of me writing about boobs.

  13. "here endeth the lesson"

    OMG did you just quote the Untouchables?!?! Because on top of being a comic genius...this just made me love you more.

  14. Your reaction to the loss of a follower is most valid.

    I myself like to weep gently into my pillow, before than caterwauling like a 'Devil-she Banshee', whereupon I then collaspe into a sobbing heap upon the bedroom floor whilst bemoaning the cruel fate that the gods have meted out to me...then and only then, do I begin the stalking!!

  15. Im still here though! What is this Cynthia post?

  16. I want to read the Cynthia post!!!

  17. Goddam it I missed that post.

    But I know where it will be found...I am off to hunt it down and then I will be back.


    See once you put it on the internet there it stays...if you know where to look
    Mwahh ha ha ha

    ps Don't let losing a follower get you down, it happens to me all the time too, but also don't trust the gadget entirely..sometimes the number goes up and down yet the faces don't change.

  19. Cynthia-hey how about that.
    how about that.

    Well its all been one unfunny joke.

    ......Hi, Cynthia.

    And that's it for me.

    (Long painful awkward moment.)

  20. Dirty Cowboy: that is scary that you can think you have deleted something AND google impolitely says, um, no.

  21. I had a guinea pig that had the same issue as your gerbil. How tragically painful--losing a follower...hard blow.

  22. I'm late to the party. I saw the snippet and couldn't access it because I thought you blocked me (perhaps because of my hurtful comparison to Green Day?). But Cynthia is still here? Are we doing Andy Kaufman now? Oh! I want to play! Pick me, pick me!

  23. When I get unfollowed, I pull one of my cats uncomfortably close to me and whisper into its fur, "That's okay, YOU still love me. Don't you? DON'T YOU?!"

    Works for me.

    Also, if you decide to turn my comment into a post, please depict me as highly attractive. Thanks.

  24. ok, this is hilarious. No one ever complains on my blog, my blog is all rainbows and puppies and shiny things. This is what happens to me instead: my sister calls me and whines into the voice mail "You need to tell me when something you are writing on your blog is not true, because I THOUGHT all of it was true, but it seems like you are ... LYING about some things! This is bothering me!" So I have an answer over here in the safety of your nice comfy blog, gweenbrick, and I will say to my sister: "It's ALL LIES, Sis! A blog ain't no courtroom and I don't see no Bibles...."

    P.S. I'm with Haley. Quote me all you want, but describe me as that "Drop-dead gorgeous blond who is, like, frickin' hilarious." That should work.

  25. Speaking of butthole paddles, since that's back on the table, I heard that flashlights work just as well as sticky paddles. Apparently the worms only come out at night.

    Hey, wasn't that a pop song in the 80s?

  26.'s dirtycowGIRL !!!

    Fuck sake gweenbrick where do you find these people ? Do I look like a boy ?
    Don't answer that, but how's the guest post coming on ?

  27. I read three pages worth of posts and almost peed my pants multiple times.
    My hats off to you, sir.

  28. Your blog doesn't have that many viewers?

    You're better off than me.
    (I say that in a kidding voice)

    And this explains why it showed up on my reading list and then the link was broken...

  29. Can I make up for it and add myself?? You are effing hi-larious.

  30. I'll follow to make up for Cynthia. If I ever comment, you're welcome to publicly ridicule me.