Friday, November 18, 2011

Ah youth, ah halycon days

In hopes of following in the footsteps of much funnier bloggers than I, I plundered my box of keepsakes and old artworks.

I was very disappointed.

Not a single humorous diary entry; not one lion with an unarguably radical mane.

I did, however, discover that child-me was quite adept at coming up with really cool names for a wide variety of awesome guys.

Who needs Spiderman, when you have Krek?

And The Terrorizer looks African American, which is strange, because the only black people I had seen at that age were Mr.T and Fat Albert.

Apparently I was obsessed with the name 'Ron', or names with Ron-like sounds in them.
Don't worry, people of Space! Wayne and Ben are here to save you.
Ron again.

Looking at these old pictures brings me back...back to when I was just another awkward, chubby 80's kid with a bowlcut and a Godzilla obsession.

It also makes me wonder why there are no girls in any of my pictures.

I know I certainly thought about girls at that age.

One girl, poor little Lisa with voluptuously fat cheeks, long black hair, and chipmunk teeth, sticks out in particular.
 Packs of us boys would chase her around the playground, corner her in the big cement tunnel, and place our open mouths in what we thought was a kissing position upon those temptress cheeks.

I cannot even imagine how it must have been for her, facing that unwanted parade of overlicked lips and little boy breath.

I don't remember her coming back after first grade.

For some reason, the first graders I ran around with thought 'big legs' on a girl were just about as sexy as you could get it.

One day as we sat around the old circle table, I remember bragging about my older sister:

I also found this old picture of me.

I was dyeing my hair purple, mostly because I was an idiot adrift in a sea of whatever I perceived to be cool.

I don't look a thing like this anymore.

I did some age progression work on the picture, so you can see what I look like now, 17 years later.

Big legged women of the world, watch out!


  1. First of all (and without meaning to sound like a 16 year-old hormone-driven adolescent): you look so cute in that picture!
    Second: how on Earth do you go from a "pair" to a unibrow? That's the big mistery...
    And lastly: eventhough you say your posts are mediocre/not funny/etc ...they never are. They are a great part of my day.

  2. I had purple hair. It was bitchin'.

  3. Oh, and also, I would have been super popular where ever it was that you grew up. You've seen my jazzercizing picture. =P

  4. Sara-how old are you? Because you will find, after a certain age, that hair grows everywhere, on places that would not even appear to have any follicles:shoulders, ears, and yes, between the eyebrows.
    It's like watching your body turn against itself, and slowly encase itself in a hairy cocoon.
    But instead of emerging as a beautiful butterfly, you just end up a wrinkled fig of a person, wearing diapers and praying to die.
    Have a good day.

    Jrose-the problem with my purple hair was that only my scalp turned color, so instead of looking bitchin, I looked like a fool.
    Very funny on your second comment!

  5. You look like Vince Vaughn.

  6. Anonymous- that is funny, because my wife said that once, only she said I looked like a bowling ball painted to look like Vince Vaughn.
    The joke of that picture is that it is the only picture of me my wife ever thought was "hot", and she showed it to her friends when she didn't know I was watching, and they all tittered and remarked how it didn't look anything like me, not even close.
    I read the other day how people tend to use their best possible picture for their facebook profile, so when I dug up that one, I decided to play "pretend this is what I look like."
    The thrill of posting it lasted one second, and now I am eating my second piece of cake and trying to feel which one of my boobs is bigger.

  7. you're looking pretty foxy in your boyish hairdying picture. i dyed mine blue around that age. but it came out badly. almost like baby bird feathers or my little pony hair.
    i like that you & your friends found cankles so attractive. if only that was still the standard...

  8. SherilinR-thanks, even though it's not me anymore!
    Cankle vogue will return

    Anonymous was my wife, so my response was intended to tease her. She did not really say those mean things, but she did show her friends that picture and give them a look like "can you believe that used to be him?"
    She made me write this.

  9. I have huge legs.

    Finally I feel vindicated - I kept telling people they were sexy but nobody believed me.
    I had purple hair too (well all colours really, apart from normal hair colours)but my favourite was when I had it cut short then permed and dyed bright pink.
    Kind of like a pink afro poodle.

  10. dirtycowgirl-huge legs and afro poodle hair? Now I know how to draw you for my guest post, heh heh

  11. The arrrrrrrooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! picture was my favorite. I never remember ever doing anything quite like that. Of course, when I was lost in the woods for several years I was not raised by wolves, as you obviously might have been, but rather by squirrels.

  12. Ok maybe this is out of line...but did you have boobs as a teen? Or are your level really that big?

  13. That's no unibrow! I feel deceived. Oh, and the howling picture was hilarious!

  14. Hahahaha

    Now I can't wait to see it.
    I also have huge boobs and I should be wearing ugg boots - I live in them, especially the purple ones.

    I'm actually quite excited now I know that I am going to be featuring in it :)

  15. I had purple hair too once.. Love the age progression picture btw! I had to look again because your man boobs (moobs?) have grown and are now glorious

  16. aww you were so cute when you had hair. now you look like angry neo nazi :) times a bazillion! wait a minute how do i know how you look? Me like big legs, sometimes bigger than i want to admit. Is this a bad thing. Yesss it is. nice howling and temporary Ron word stream of consciousness. who knows why. doesn't matter as long as it is still not going on in private!

  17. Maybe because you mentioned the 80s, when I saw the photo of Young Gweenbrick I immediately thought, "BOY BAND!" Seriously. There was some music franchise potential there. I don't know if you could sing or dance, but I don't think you actually had to do either of those things in a boy band back then. Or now.

  18. esboston-thanks-raised by squirrels, huh? that has got to be detrimental to a boy's cognitive development

    anonymous-that is so out of line. Especially when you mention my levels, which is the part I did not understand. But to answer your question, when I was young, they were not boobs, they were plates of iron atop a sculpted stomach of brass. But now, old as I am, smoked out and flabby, yes. Yes, they are boobs.

    personification- the unibrow came later-see high tech age progression photo

    dirtycowgirl-I might skip your boobs. I can pretty much only draw my own, which seems to be fitting, since the entirety of these comments seem to mention them.

    feryxlim-thank you! they are rather glorious, especially when I eat mutton with my shirt off and the grease pools in my hairy cleavage. How's that for a sexy image??

    Rick-get the hell off my blog, you pervert. Quite chasing bus drives that only look like Reese Witherspoon to someone with cataracts.

    haley-you are so funny! If you knew me, then or now, you would know how odd that idea is. I am intensely introverted and awkward, not really boy band material, even if they cast me as the "shy" one.
    If you heard me sing, you would think, 'aw, he is trying so hard' and if you saw me dance you would say, 'my god, my god, why have you abandoned me?' because my dancing destroys all hope for the world to ever be a beautiful place again.

  19. Raised by Squirrels: aXtually I was just going for some furry woodland creature that was the opposite of a wolf to be raised by, and after careful deliberation (5.2 seconds) I chose squirrel.

    I thought the Angry Neo Nazi comment was a bit much, even for the Gweenbrick community players. Especially times a bazillion. I would have used an inverse function and say 1 over a bazillion, abazillionth or maybe half that much. I should really go now, as I am writing on an empty stomach, and emptied brain. I think I hear squirrels calling, no, that's just my phone. The wife probably wants suppa'.

    Seriously though, thanks for all the work you put into your craft. Its fun to come back to see all the comments people generate, the interaction, cool.

    Detritus Mental. Sounds like a good name for a band.

  20. Wait, you look like Leonardo DiCaprio! Seriously! I just discovered your blog from Oh Noa and I am hooked, you are hilarious. And obviously very humble to keep away the hollywood hoardes.

  21. Ah, those innocent days of gang kiss chase.

    The age progression pic is a work of genius, with a capital genie.

  22. Fyi- levels is autocorrect for pecs.

  23. esbboston-thank you! I have never thought of it as a craft or skill, but to hear it called that is very cool; it makes it sound like so much more than the virtual navel gazing that it is.

    sj-aw shucks, you're too kind

    asplenia-you mean "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" Dicaprio, I assume? and you actually mean the mother in that film? If that is the comparison you're making, I am offended but I secretly agree.

    The Jules-thank you so much for the compliment on the picture, I have never altered a photo of myself before, and now I think it is my new joke to flog to death

    Anonymous-aha, I thought it was a photo editing software reference, but I wasn't sure. Now I think your comment is funny, as opposed to puzzling.

  24. I would love the pic even more if you were wearing a half shirt. Just sayin'.

    My husband had a similar obsession with the name "Ralph" when he was a kid. Going through his drawings and stories he wrote, there's always a character named Ralph. I dunno... I'm thinking it's a guy thing.

    As for girls with big legs... I've always hoped that there was a tribe somewhere that worships short women with chubby thighs. If there is, I'm pretty sure they'd want me to be their queen.

  25. I suddenly feel really awkward about the purple I have in my hair now. Especially since I too came of age in the eighties. Ahem.

    On to moobs, it makes me think of this this song:

  26. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I ended up burning my childhood diary after discovering that my most interesting entry was one I'd written while at summer camp:

    Dear Diary,

    I said “Hi” to Luke today.

    I’m so glad I finally got that off my chest.


    No wonder I was the only kid in school with her own professional shrink.

    ps. I'm pretty sure that had Luke not been sixteen years older and already in love with Alison (the large chinned activities coordinator with the hairy face mole), he totally would have taken me up on my “Hi.”

  27. killer cupcake-maybe little boys just fixate on the most mundane names possible. Which doesn't really make sense. Little boys are so weird.

    simpflifyprojo- don't feel bad about your purple hair! I bet it looks great. Unless it doesn't.

    justmakingconvo- if all the entries were as profound as that one, than you robbed the world of a great treasure the day you burned that document

  28. How fun to find A REAL PICTURE of you here! So glad I clicked this link.