I was very disappointed.
Not a single humorous diary entry; not one lion with an unarguably radical mane.
I did, however, discover that child-me was quite adept at coming up with really cool names for a wide variety of awesome guys.
Who needs Spiderman, when you have Krek?
And The Terrorizer looks African American, which is strange, because the only black people I had seen at that age were Mr.T and Fat Albert.
Apparently I was obsessed with the name 'Ron', or names with Ron-like sounds in them.
Don't worry, people of Space! Wayne and Ben are here to save you.
Looking at these old pictures brings me back...back to when I was just another awkward, chubby 80's kid with a bowlcut and a Godzilla obsession.
It also makes me wonder why there are no girls in any of my pictures.
I know I certainly thought about girls at that age.
One girl, poor little Lisa with voluptuously fat cheeks, long black hair, and chipmunk teeth, sticks out in particular.
Packs of us boys would chase her around the playground, corner her in the big cement tunnel, and place our open mouths in what we thought was a kissing position upon those temptress cheeks.
I cannot even imagine how it must have been for her, facing that unwanted parade of overlicked lips and little boy breath.
I don't remember her coming back after first grade.
For some reason, the first graders I ran around with thought 'big legs' on a girl were just about as sexy as you could get it.
One day as we sat around the old circle table, I remember bragging about my older sister:
I also found this old picture of me.
I was dyeing my hair purple, mostly because I was an idiot adrift in a sea of whatever I perceived to be cool.
I don't look a thing like this anymore.
I did some age progression work on the picture, so you can see what I look like now, 17 years later.
Big legged women of the world, watch out!