Friday, October 28, 2011

The Despair You Wear Might Be Your Own

Today is our Halloween party.

All the staff people were supposed to dress up as pirates.

I was the only one that didn't.

It's not that I am too cool for school; it's that I have gained a lot of weight lately and I just could not see how a pirate costume would work with my new body.

 We're doing the typical Halloween stuff.

Horribly out of tune karaoke. 

Except without karaoke CDs.

Just a microphone hooked up to a speaker, and a radio playing in the background.

If a song comes on that a student knows, they begin to sing into the mic.

Jeffrey robotically mumbles his way through a Backstreet Boys song.

He keeps pointing at other students and giving them nonsensical shout-outs.

"And you....for you.....this one.....wove. It is wove."

"And like a my brutter."

Another guy stutters through some pop song but changes every line to "seen black girls." 

He is dressed like a chef, which does not improve his performance too much.

Then there is bobbing for apples.

The first girl starts to gag under the water and comes up so fast that cold apple gag water sprays all over everyone.

Then Karaoke Chef makes three attempts, spitting water back into the tank each time. 

I point out that no one will want to do it anymore if there is spit in it.

No one listens.

The fourth person to do it comes back up out of the water with snot and tears streaming down her face.

"We might want to shut this down," I say.

No one listens to me.

Jeffrey is the last to go.

He gives himself a bizarre pep talk before bobbing.

It involves reminders to breath, to not be nervous, to wonder if his face paint will come off, to wonder if I am watching, to call me by the wrong name, to check the time on his nonexistent watch.

The apple he eventually retrieves is disgustingly rotten.

Lamocha does an uncomfortable burlesque show to the N-Sync song "Bye Bye Bye."

Everything is fuzzy and surreal to me because I ate six pounds of underdone Monkey Bread.

My punishment for not wearing a costume is getting my head and face painted.

Two cackling co-workers turn me into a pirate that could be best described as transfestive.

This post sucks, but I will throw you a bone.

Do you want to know what I really look like?

Like God to Moses, I will only show you my back.


  1. i like that they painted your head. did you get an eyepatch too? maybe a mustache?
    i like the way your parrot cut into your arm. that's much the same way that those cute armbands cut into my uppper arm like a tourniquette. fashion is pain.

  2. The last drawing looks disturbingly like Henry VIII. All you need is an oozing leg wound and questionable morals and you could rule the Western world. I really love the bandana, though. Is it a bandana, or a kerchief? I don't know proper pirate terminology. Am I commenting too much on your posts? Is there a point where commenting goes from flattering to weird? Will you let me know when I get there?

  3. SherilinR- My face looks like a drag queen pirate who got beat down by other, less tolerant pirates.

    Kelly- I don't know what it is, but I am washing it off when I get home.
    You can comment all you want. Comments are pretty much all that keep me blogging, because otherwise I would just be talking to myself.

  4. Wait, were you a pirate or a super mario mushroom?

    And I had no idea people still bobbed for apples. Are we also still allowed to empty our chamber pots into the street?

  5. I swear, your posts are getting funnier and funnier.

  6. Ooh, I had a rash like that once. The cream is made from kittens and disappointment. And betnovate.

  7. Brilliant.

    But you should've made a video of the karaoke.

  8. Alan- a super mario mushroom would have been better. In special education they still bob for apples, because special education is where all old traditions go to die.

    greengeekgirl-I..uh...are you talking about my picture?

    Dorsey-hey thank you! Because I feel like I am getting worse and worse.

    The Jules-and the rash is caused by gender confusion.

    dirtycowgirl- oh man, if it was not against the law, I have so many videos I would upload of so many marvelous things...but nah, ain't worth the risk

  9. rarhhhhhhhr! (don't tell The Husband I said that)


  10. Honestly, in your final drawing of the pirate outfit, you kind of look like a voluptuous hooker. I'm sure you could put a positive spin on that, somehow.

  11. I looked at the pictures before I read the post and thought you were a lady bug. Pirate is good, too.

  12. Marianne: My wife thought he looked like a ladybug, too - I never saw that! Good eye.

    Gween B: So, does being 'transfestive' make you 'transfestite' ? I guess that is someone who came make all the way across a party from one end to the other.

  13. Wow! Really bad typing on my part, approaching stroke characteristics. (The font size is pushing my reading limits on my iPad as well) that second line was s'pposed to be: "I guess that is someone who can make it all the way across a party from one end to the other." That is 'fest' from the German word for festival, we have those in my former town the first weekend in July. Luckily that town is 100 miles away and I rarely go there any more, now that my father has passed away.

  14. Welll... at least you tried *pats arm*

  15. I am so glad that I am subscribed to you. Hilarious. I love that you don't take a really long time to write awesome things.