All the staff people were supposed to dress up as pirates.
I was the only one that didn't.
It's not that I am too cool for school; it's that I have gained a lot of weight lately and I just could not see how a pirate costume would work with my new body.
We're doing the typical Halloween stuff.
Horribly out of tune karaoke.
Except without karaoke CDs.
Just a microphone hooked up to a speaker, and a radio playing in the background.
If a song comes on that a student knows, they begin to sing into the mic.
Jeffrey robotically mumbles his way through a Backstreet Boys song.
He keeps pointing at other students and giving them nonsensical shout-outs.
"And you....for you.....this one.....wove. It is wove."
"And you.....wove...dance like a bro.....like my brutter."
Another guy stutters through some pop song but changes every line to "seen black girls."
He is dressed like a chef, which does not improve his performance too much.
Then there is bobbing for apples.
The first girl starts to gag under the water and comes up so fast that cold apple gag water sprays all over everyone.
Then Karaoke Chef makes three attempts, spitting water back into the tank each time.
I point out that no one will want to do it anymore if there is spit in it.
No one listens.
The fourth person to do it comes back up out of the water with snot and tears streaming down her face.
"We might want to shut this down," I say.
No one listens to me.
Jeffrey is the last to go.
He gives himself a bizarre pep talk before bobbing.
It involves reminders to breath, to not be nervous, to wonder if his face paint will come off, to wonder if I am watching, to call me by the wrong name, to check the time on his nonexistent watch.
The apple he eventually retrieves is disgustingly rotten.
Lamocha does an uncomfortable burlesque show to the N-Sync song "Bye Bye Bye."
Everything is fuzzy and surreal to me because I ate six pounds of underdone Monkey Bread.
My punishment for not wearing a costume is getting my head and face painted.
Two cackling co-workers turn me into a pirate that could be best described as transfestive.
This post sucks, but I will throw you a bone.
Do you want to know what I really look like?
Like God to Moses, I will only show you my back.