Monday, October 31, 2011

....And Boy Are My Arms Tired HA HA HA

One of my students (this originally said "student's" but JRose claims there are rules about apostrophe usage's) always tells me I should be a comedian.
She should know, too, because her favorite movie is the brilliant satire 'Vampires Suck'.
So I took her suggestion, but instead of trying to think of good jokes, I just tried to think of a lot of jokes really fast. 
I found out that those two things are not really the same thing at all.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The Despair You Wear Might Be Your Own

Today is our Halloween party.

All the staff people were supposed to dress up as pirates.

I was the only one that didn't.

It's not that I am too cool for school; it's that I have gained a lot of weight lately and I just could not see how a pirate costume would work with my new body.

 We're doing the typical Halloween stuff.

Horribly out of tune karaoke. 

Except without karaoke CDs.

Just a microphone hooked up to a speaker, and a radio playing in the background.

If a song comes on that a student knows, they begin to sing into the mic.

Jeffrey robotically mumbles his way through a Backstreet Boys song.

He keeps pointing at other students and giving them nonsensical shout-outs.

"And you....for you.....this one.....wove. It is wove."

"And like a my brutter."

Another guy stutters through some pop song but changes every line to "seen black girls." 

He is dressed like a chef, which does not improve his performance too much.

Then there is bobbing for apples.

The first girl starts to gag under the water and comes up so fast that cold apple gag water sprays all over everyone.

Then Karaoke Chef makes three attempts, spitting water back into the tank each time. 

I point out that no one will want to do it anymore if there is spit in it.

No one listens.

The fourth person to do it comes back up out of the water with snot and tears streaming down her face.

"We might want to shut this down," I say.

No one listens to me.

Jeffrey is the last to go.

He gives himself a bizarre pep talk before bobbing.

It involves reminders to breath, to not be nervous, to wonder if his face paint will come off, to wonder if I am watching, to call me by the wrong name, to check the time on his nonexistent watch.

The apple he eventually retrieves is disgustingly rotten.

Lamocha does an uncomfortable burlesque show to the N-Sync song "Bye Bye Bye."

Everything is fuzzy and surreal to me because I ate six pounds of underdone Monkey Bread.

My punishment for not wearing a costume is getting my head and face painted.

Two cackling co-workers turn me into a pirate that could be best described as transfestive.

This post sucks, but I will throw you a bone.

Do you want to know what I really look like?

Like God to Moses, I will only show you my back.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm Interviewed

Hey, guess what?
I get to be lazy today because instead of doing a post, someone wanted to interview me.

 The lovely Feryx Lim made me answer some questions for her blog, so please go to
and be prepared to be amazed at how consistently stupid I can be.
Thanks again, Feryx!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Prayer for my dignity

I beg thee, Lord, to strike me down, if my default expression ever becomes open-mouthed.

If little children ever again ask me why I have squishy parts like a girl whilst pointing at my chest.

If I ever leer openly at the Michelin tire man whilst driving past him, almost causing an accident, in the same manner that the man in front of me in a white pick-up truck did today.

If I ever make myself vomit all over and fill my pants with considerable amounts of booboo in order to get out of walking on a treadmill, like a student did today.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

A Cornocopia of Special Jokes

Thursday, October 20, 2011

All things teeth and knuckles

We have a new student.

He is 6"6 and all gummy smiles.

Easily one of the smartest I've worked with.

Kids ask for help on anything computer-related and he is over there before staff can even put their coffee down and sigh heavily.

But this Wizard has a fatal flaw.

He wants to knuckle bump me all day long.

Every time I walk in the room. Or walk back and forth through the doorway.

Even if he sees me from thirty feet away.

I have noticed some unusual wear and tear to my knuckle structure.

I brought my concerns to my doctor.

He looked at my hands and took off his glasses, like doctors do in movies.

Then he tried to make out with me.
Hey that reminds me.

I never finished what I was saying yesterday about dishonest drawings of my teeth.

Anyways, I draw a full set of chompers but actually I have had some of my wisdom teeth pulled.

One of them I had pulled at the Dental School, which is were you go when you don't have any money but you think there might be a problem in your mouth.

They are so happy to see you.

About ten students crowded around me.

Two kids gave me a giant shot in my mouth and I started to feel funny.

Then they proceeded to beat my face into submission with Fisher-Price My First Dentist tools for three hours.

I was in a state of drugged out helplessness.

After it was all over, they told me not to suck on any straws or anything for three days, otherwise I would lose my clot.

They forgot how stupid I was, and neglected to tell me a cigarette is a straw you light on fire.

Inside my mouth:

And outside my mouth: