Thursday, September 22, 2011

O lord, another cat blog

Against my better judgement, I let my wife get a cat.

I was at least expecting her to bring home this:

Instead, she settled for these:

Two non-fluffy ratfaces.

The worse part about the cats is that they have taken over the second bathroom.

I have always wanted a second bathroom, because I grew up in a household of seven people and only one toilet.

This meant that no matter when you rushed upstairs, sweating profusely and clenching your buttocks tighter than the Iron Curtain holding back the poor huddled masses yearning to be free, you were met with the inevitability of a closed bathroom door.

Knock Knock Knock O my gosh are you almost done please please I have to go so bad

The door, thankfully, had a full length mirror on it, so you could see yourself bent double and growing paler.

There was a bit of hallway leading up to the bathroom; I would pace up and down that hallway and practice my Lamaze breathing.

Sometimes it seemed impossible. There was just no way you were going to make it.

You layed out contingencies in your head: In the pants? Trashcan? Highly visible front yard?

But eventually that last flush would come, the door would swing open, and you would soldier past the previous occupant, with no comment about the rankness of the air.

Destiny then had you, and the relief was so great you barely noticed the uncomfortably warm surface of the toilet seat.

Anyways, cats.
They claw my wife's stuff.
They hide under our bed at night, giggling.

Let me be clear: school lunch programs are not connected to juvenile obesity in any way.
There is just no correlation.
Stupid cats.


  1. I'm still waiting for the glorious day when I can bask in the luxury of a two toilet household. Oh full length mirror, how I hated you. To see the look of desperation on your own face as you waited.....and waited....and waited. It was torture.

  2. Your poor life. How can you be expected to share it with two hairless cats that look like penises?

    I'm not gonna lie, I seriously think that lunch looks awesome.

  3. supercrazyrobots-why are you talking about that mirror like you've seen it? that's creepy.
    And how come no one in our family ever pointed out how stinky the previous occupant had left the bathroom?

    Mary-Gross! My cats are not phallic-I stole that picture off of Google. Mine are just...ratty looking. But I bet those weiner cats are like 500 bucks a piece.
    And I am so glad that someone admitted that the school lunch looks tasty-it makes me feel less gross for actually eating it myself from time to time. Except the refried beans in the steaming plastic bag, those smell like Mexican death.
    I once put a dollop of them on one of the toilet seats in the girl's bathroom, and listened gleefully as the female staff ran the inquisition on all the students, demanding to know who had boo-booed on the seat.
    That was probably the best time I ever had in my life.

  4. At least your cats have the good grace to hide under the bed - which suggests they do realise it is yours.
    Two of mine seem to think it is their bed and that when I am in it I'm just an extra cushion/scratching post.
    And the third one just doesn't see why I am in bed at all when I could in fact be doing more productive feeding him or letting him out at 5am.

  5. I have actually wondered why no one ever acknowledged smells. Or excused themselves after causing said odors. People just bore it in silence, like bodily functions didn't really exist. It was kinda weird.

  6. dirtycowgirl-you really have to wonder what cats percieve humans to actually be
    supercrazyrobots-I am no longer comfortable with this conversation

  7. If you have any form of air conditioner, be sure to have the evaporative coils on the inside of your system cleaned by a professional. Cats are notorious for leaving stuff behind that seems to make it past the filter and cling to the coil, lowering the performance of your system. Its one of the first things I look for when evaluating a performance problem on system.

  8. *sigh*
    Where is Jamie Oliver when you need him?

  9. esbboston-thanks for the tip, i'll have to monitor our AC issues
    Haley Wolfe-love your drawings by the way; had to look up Jamie Oliver because I had no idea who he was. But yeah, if he saw our school lunches he would probably blind himself with jalapeno oil.

  10. Marianne-I make incontinence pads out of corn husk, hemp weave, and potpourri(for smells)-You can buy them from my etsy store and I will give you a deal, just use the coupon code "imadeweeweeonallthethingsaroundme"