Friday, September 30, 2011

He can benchpress me and steal my wife

One Friday a month, our class sees a movie.

Today we saw the best movie I have ever seen in my whole life.

It was called ABDUCTION, and it starred this guy Taylor Lautner.

I only knew who he was because some of the girls in my class cut out pictures of him from magazines and shove them down the front of their pants or in their mouths.

Did you know Lautner auditioned for WILLOW?
 Yep, he was supposed to play Madmartigan.
But Val Kilmer threatened to keep making fart noises with his armpit until they gave him the part.

So Lautner played the character seen here:

Which might have been for the best, because something about WILLOW left a deep impact on Val Kilmer, and after that he wanted to be Madmartigan in all of his movies.

uhhh....that's the only proof I have of that last statement.

Anyways, I really liked in the movie ABDUCTION when Taylor Lautner made this face:
Because then I knew he was MAD.

And when he made this face

I knew he was SAD.

But when he was MAD and SAD he made this face
And when he was GLAD
He is from the New School of acting, where the amount you open your mouth determines the emotion you are expressing.
So when he kills someone
So the movie is real good.
I won't give anything away, but let's just say its about a "high school" boy that everyone calls "Kid" who beats up his only black friend, watches the neighbor girl makeout with her cat, finds out his dad lost him in a poker match to a Russian chef who*SPOILER ALERT* wears an eyepatch through the whole movie *SPOILER ALERT*.

The movie ends with Lautner and another guy taking their shirts off, giving each other back rubs and the shivers, and then transforming into weremooses.
As the credits roll, they rub the velvet off their antlers on an old elm tree.


  1. Ah Lautner. As the title suggests, I've no doubt that he can benchpress a grown man but I'm not too sure he'd know what to do with a woman.

    I've noticed that he seems to have modeled his acting abilities on those great character actors Arnie, Siegal and Van Damme. The depth, the range, astonishing!

    Thanks for cheering up an otherwise very 'down in the dumps woman', ie, me :0)

  2. I had never heard of the guy before. He can benchpress you? Hmm. I snorted approvingly on the 'velvet off the antlers' line. I did like Val Kilmer in the science movie, forget the name, with the laser beam from outer space blowing up the house with popcorn, that was a very good movie. I don't know if Orville Redenbacher ever got to see that scene before he passed away, it would have been a highlight for the old man, I'm sure.

    Checking: Yes, ..googling.. the movie 'Real Science' was put out in 1985 and Orville lasted another decade after that, so maybe he saw it.

  3. Yeah, think I'll give that one a miss.

  4. lily-glad I could at least cheer you a little-I agree with your estimation of his acting caliber
    esbboston-I love Real Science! Orville's teeth always grossed me out
    dirtycowgirl-i think you misunderstood what I wrote here, this movie is GOOD. REAL GOOD. Especially when he throws the One Ring into Mount Mordor

  5. I wish that were actually what happened in this movie.

  6. Haley-so do I, because what did actually happen in the movie was very similar to flushing your own brain down the toilet

  7. Taylor's next career move will be to do several 'direct to DVD' movies, and then he will appear on Dancing with the Stars and follow that with a stint on Celebrity Rehab. After the sex tape of him and Wilmer Valderrama is 'accidentally' released, he will write his memoirs and then buy a private island in the Caribbean.

  8. krouth-You should be his agent; you are a master of positive futuring. Though I don't know who Wilmer Valderrama is....Wilmer sounds like a character from Green Acres

  9. Oh goodness.

    Taylor Lautner could dress in a clown suit and dye his hair ginger and I would still want to lick icing off his abs.