Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Colossal Bestrider of Worlds

Though I am short for a man, I do not believe that I suffer from that condition known as "Short Man's Syndrome."


Quite the contrary, when I am in the company of tall men, I feel like a small child, eager to please, full of questions, and hopeful that one of my sky-scraping peers will scoop me up and ferry me about the room, or perhaps fly me like Superman.




When I went to school in Austria, my short stature made me quite the novelty. Austrian men seemed to delight in whisking me away from my friends, depositing me at a table in some remote tavern, and filling me with all manner of spirits.




 They thought I brought good fortune or something. Or that patting my little head guaranteed a good knockwurst crop that year.


One night, they even discovered how easily I fit in the trunk, which opened up more room to actually transport some girls.
I was surprised to encounter one of my classmates already safely stowed away in the trunk with me.




Despite my shortness, I have had the opportunity to kiss tall girls. A tall girl.



She speared me with an impossibly large tongue, like a swollen pimento trying to re-enter the green olive that berthed it.

After speedbagging my uvula, she turned to the bushes and vomited.

If you are a woman you don't know this, but any man, short or tall, feels like one million dollars when his kiss causes vomiting. 

6 comments:

  1. The scene in the boot of the car...priceless!

    The end scene with the girl 'speedbagging your uvula...made me throw up in my mouth a little.

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  2. Hahahahaa

    I am short, and I am never going to Austria.

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  3. lily-thanks! Yeah, that picture turned out kind of gross, though it also is extremely accurate

    dirtycowgirl-pretty much in all of Western Europe, short people are considered either magical, Asian, or very old. Its not a well known fact.

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  4. Once again, my Poise pads have been soiled (stupid pregnancies). Hilarious stuff.

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  5. Yay! I love making people pee their pads.

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  6. The German is hilariously awesome! I can hear the Austrian accent in my head as I read it.

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