Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Colossal Bestrider of Worlds

Though I am short for a man, I do not believe that I suffer from that condition known as "Short Man's Syndrome."

Quite the contrary, when I am in the company of tall men, I feel like a small child, eager to please, full of questions, and hopeful that one of my sky-scraping peers will scoop me up and ferry me about the room, or perhaps fly me like Superman.

When I went to school in Austria, my short stature made me quite the novelty. Austrian men seemed to delight in whisking me away from my friends, depositing me at a table in some remote tavern, and filling me with all manner of spirits.

 They thought I brought good fortune or something. Or that patting my little head guaranteed a good knockwurst crop that year.

One night, they even discovered how easily I fit in the trunk, which opened up more room to actually transport some girls.
I was surprised to encounter one of my classmates already safely stowed away in the trunk with me.

Despite my shortness, I have had the opportunity to kiss tall girls. A tall girl.

She speared me with an impossibly large tongue, like a swollen pimento trying to re-enter the green olive that berthed it.

After speedbagging my uvula, she turned to the bushes and vomited.

If you are a woman you don't know this, but any man, short or tall, feels like one million dollars when his kiss causes vomiting. 


  1. The scene in the boot of the car...priceless!

    The end scene with the girl 'speedbagging your uvula...made me throw up in my mouth a little.

  2. Hahahahaa

    I am short, and I am never going to Austria.

  3. lily-thanks! Yeah, that picture turned out kind of gross, though it also is extremely accurate

    dirtycowgirl-pretty much in all of Western Europe, short people are considered either magical, Asian, or very old. Its not a well known fact.

  4. Once again, my Poise pads have been soiled (stupid pregnancies). Hilarious stuff.

  5. Yay! I love making people pee their pads.

  6. The German is hilariously awesome! I can hear the Austrian accent in my head as I read it.