Monday, September 12, 2011

Be the spoon, Jeffrey

When I just had Jeffrey for 18-day summer school, it was:

Now that I have him for the 185 day stretch, it is more like:
 He talks to me incessantly.

I am his best friend.

Granted, in between asking me if I am tired 30,000 times, he does come out with some interesting observations.

Jeffrey: What's that smell?
Me: What does it smell like?
J: Dirt.
M: What kind of dirt?
J: Like dirtbags. Have you ever heard of dirtbags? They're people who never listen.

Jeffrey: (Licks his lips loudly) My body is hungry.
Me: What is it hungry for?
J: Have you ever heard of cheeseburger and fries? I would eat that brad boy all up.
M: But not too fast, right? You don't want to choke.
J: Yep. I choked one time.
M: On what?
J: Cheeseburger and fries. My mom did the Hanley Mover and I puked it out and thats all I want to talk about it.

At the thrift store, we see a DVD of Hannah Montana.
J: She's a bad person. 
M: Why?
J: She says mean things to people, to me.
M: When did you see her?
J: At a concert, at a concert on the radio.
He mumbles to himself, "I shouldn't have said that".
J: But I'll get her. I'll get her to myself. Then, payback.
M: (gulp) What would payback be?
J: I would say (in a strange falsetto) "You're a mean witch. I mean, you are a good witch."

He sits next to one of his classmates, a girl with severe lazy eyes that roll in constant circles. 
To look straight at you, she tilts her head way back and studies you from beneath her lids.
Jeffrey awkwardly tries to put his arm around her, and says "You look nice in that green shirt right there".
"Wha? Me?" says the girl. She stiffly turns in his direction and tips her head. 
He yanks his arm back and sheepishly mumbles, "I'm just saying I'm tired. Need some energy in my legs."

Jeffrey helps me return some bottles in the bottle machine.
Me: You put the bar code up like this.
J: Like this?
M: No, that's down.
J: Like this?
M: No, that's two at once.
J: Like this? 
M: No, that's not even in the machine.
J: Like this?
M: That's not a can.
J: Like this?
M: Kill me now, sweet baby Jesus.

We go to the park, and Jeffrey over-zealously pushes some girls on the rusty old merry-go-round.
One of them, a lean 6 footer whose favorite party trick is to smear snot all over her face and hands like some kind of all natural lotion, goes flying off the merry-go-round and slams onto the ground, flat on her back.
"Godammit," she screams, "God damn birds!".


  1. More Jeffreyisms please !!!

    Actually I plan to read all this blog when I have time, so if there is more I will find him.

  2. LMAO! Jeffrey has now replaced my love for Thomas.

    No witty(?) asides today,I'm soooo tired. Was up the other night reading All of your posts, that's right, all of them.

    You are absolutely brilliant! I think I LOVE YOU!!

    (Please don't file a restraining order)

  3. 185 days of Jeffrey for you means 185 awesome blog posts for us. It's gonna be a good school year.

  4. dirtycowgirl-if you click the label "Jeffrey" at the bottom, you'll see them all, but they are kind of all the same-glad you like them, though!

    lily-I would never file a restraining order against you; I need the blog traffic
    You would not love me if you saw me doing the Truffle Shuffle in the bathroom, straining to make my boobs hit me in the face

    supercrazyrobots-185 Jeffrey posts would get pretty repetitive, because basically what he said today seems to be what he is going to say everyday, give or take a "Have you ever heard of.....?"

  5. must admit...your blog is easily one of my favorites to read. Keep the posts coming!

  6. Thanks DeliaDee, I am glad you like it!

  7. Some of his observations on life are pretty good though. Like his definition of what a dirtbag is.

  8. I truly want to know more of his plans for payback with Hannah Montanna. I don't know if I should fear for her, or feel sorry for him.

    I am very emotionally confused right now.