Friday, July 29, 2011

Roll and play in my knowledge fountain

Someone I know just had a baby, their first.
I feel that I should impart some new parent advice, particularly to the daddy.
These are treasures from the vault I wished my father had opened for me.

1. The diaper is the first wipe.
When baby makes a stinky, you must remember to have all your supplies at hand before you attempt to remove the diaper. Make a mental checklist: changing cloth, diaper wipes, new diaper, plastic bag to throw all fecal-related objects into immediately. It helps to have a basket or bucket which you store all these things in, so you know where they are at all times. You might want to label the basket; I have provided you with a sample label you can copy and tape to your basket if you want:


Okay, when you are ready, lay the child on the changing mat, and slowly open the diaper. I cannot emphasize enough how slowly you should open the bundle. You do not know what is in there, what might project, ooze, or splatter on nearby surfaces or people. 


But before you reach for a wipe, use the best tool you have at hand.

The front flap of the diaper is quite absorbent, far-reaching, and makes a wonderful barrier between the hands of the father and the unpredictable stool of the child.

Used correctly, the diaper can be the entirety of your offense, with the diaper wipes only coming in late to the game to snipe off the last flecks of boo-boo. 

And the best part of the diaper? It can be re-closed and re-velcroed into a convenient little package, its treasure safe and warm inside. Toss it into the plastic bag and you are done; you can put your hand back into the bowl of Doritos without washing it because you know the diaper protected you.


However, life does have its little lemons, and sometimes the front flap of the diaper is not sufficient.

I refer you then to my rule #2: If you have to use wipes, don't half-ass it.

I have seen grandma's deftly maneuver one single wipe around a bottom, expertly whisking away all the unpleasantness with that one wipe and never reaching for another.

Do not try this! I cannot say it enough.

For you, for me, that one wipe is the same as wiping with your bare hand.

Why? Because it is small, your fingers will inevitable slip around it and you will find yourself frozen, staring down at a hand you wish was no longer yours, as a substance not meant for hands has appeared upon it and left you with a dilemma: scream and run to the sink and the bleach, or finish the baby.

This is not a position you want to be in.

One wipe can tear easily as well, leading to the same scenario as outlined above.

No, no, no, we are not grandmas, so do this: wipes come in a brick-like shape; I would say use about half a brick per fecal scenario.

Slap that brick on there and hold it, than shuffle it around a little. Quickly, without looking at it, toss it into the plastic bag. Then tie up the bag, throw it into the outside trash, wash your hands for five minutes with scalding water, and then return to your beloved baby and pretend none of it ever happened.

If you follow these two rules I laid out for you, I think you will probably be a good father.

3 comments:

  1. This one is getting shared. LOL. Of course, I have a special place in my heart for all things poop.

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  2. oh my gosh, this is hilarious! steam me up kid becky led me to you & i thank her for that. and i thank you for the hilarity you're providing me today. i used to cut our wipes in half because it seemed like a waste to use a whole one on a little dinky poo. maybe i've got the grandma touch.
    btw, i love your illustrations & particularly how you made the baby look like a big blobby lard with digits.

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  3. SherilinR-Hey thanks for checking me out! I love steam me up becky and all the disgusting things she writes about.
    Feel free to pay me more compliments whenever you want.

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