Why is it easier to draw pictures of Alan the monkey than it is to write a cover letter and a curriculum vitae for a job opening at an academic research library?
Should I even be applying for a job that requires a curriculum vitae, when I had to look up on the Googlenet what a curriculum vitae even is?
Do I put my brief fling as a night stocker at a grocery store on my vitae?
I looked up some sample librarian vitaes; one was over twenty-eight pages in length.
Mine is one page, double spaced, with lots of good cushioning around my bullet points.
This is what happens when you try to change careers mid-stream, you end up putting "wipe adult ass real good" under special skills, and then qualifying that in parentheses with the comment,
"Not in a sexy way, if that is a thing that happens. Not sure, try to avoid fetish based books or audio-visual materials, but if your library has that type of material I would not try to stop people from checking it out or anything; or I would, depending on how you want me to answer that question, because basically I will tell you whatever you want to hear if it gets me this job.
Though, to be honest, the job does not interest me all that much, more the salary and the good benefits. My last job had good benefits at first, but then they cut them.
Do you think you will be cutting benefits any time soon? Because that might determine whether or not I want to work for you.
Of course beggars can't be choosers, right? I mean, anything beats wiping people after they make bowel movements and yelling at them when they eat their school nachos so fast it makes them throw up.
That's a common discussion in this line of work; would you rather clean up barf or poop? Interestingly enough, I have noticed that women tend to say "poop" and men tend to say "neither" in a jokey way they hope will get the women to laugh. It sometimes works, when everyone in the room is in their mid-fifties and also say things like "That'll leave a mark" or "Cha-Ching!"
At your library, do you think the librarians have to clean up poop and stuff?
Because if they do, it kind of seems like the job I already have, but worse hours, and in that case I am not sure how interested I am.
But I will reserve judgement until I meet you in person; first impressions are everything, so try not to give me one of those limpy librarian handshakes, because I can almost guarantee I will laugh at you inside my mouth. Look forward to the interview!"
I am so going to get this job.