If you are like me, and I will gladly assume that everyone on the internet is, then you benchmark a good week by how many items of Godzilla crap you find at a church flea market.
Though I was especially excited by this fellow:
It is essentially a rubbery Godzilla face on a plastic plaque with a button that says "Push".
I wish I had the nerve to describe myself as what I just wrote on a job application.
Anyways, I realized some important things about this item.
One, he is squishy, and squishyness is hard to convey through a photograph.
I piled some things on him to show how squishy he was, but he proved to be more resilient than I had anticipated.
Then I prodded him with my golden smoosher and the squish became evident:
I could not imagine what wonderful things might happen when I pushed that red button.
But then I didn't need to try and imagine it, because I pushed the button, and nothing happened.
There were dead exploded batteries in the battery compartment.
That was the other important thing I had noticed.
However, after some serious research, I made a remarkable discovery.
Not only had this toy originally come in a box, but the box actually told you, in fine detail, what the toy did!
(picture credit: sassysatellite, via ebay)
Not only does it tell you what it does, it lays out for you the exact approach you should take to fully experience Godzilla's face.
"Push the button.
Listen to his sound.
Watch his eyes light up.
See his face change."
But then, that command at the top: "Get even at work."
Can you imagine?
Your coworkers have humiliated you for the last time.
Those smug jerks have brought this on themselves.
You chase them through the halls with your Godzilla face, pushing the button over and over again.
They scream as you bear down on them, your voice ringing out: "Push the button! Listen to his sound! Watch his eyes light up! See his face change!"
Anyways, I was feeling pretty good about my purchase until I saw the next picture sassysatellite had taken.
No, you rotten lying church ladies.
You ripped me off.
This isn't Godzilla at all.
Its...its...Mr.Chops the Nagging Dragon.
A wave of disgust washes over me.
But still, some small part of me wonders: does Mr.Chops talk? What does he nag about? Does he nag in English or Taiwanese?
If it was in Taiwanese and I translated it, would the nag hold up?
Would it still be applicable to our western culture?
My quest for answers lead me to YouTube, home of all that is right and true in our lives.
The second time phoenixnl1 pushed the button, I was really hoping a nag would come out, because toys often do different stuff the second time you push the button.
Confused and strangely saddened by Mr.Chops, I turned my attention to this frightening incarnation of the radioactive giant lizard.
This is one of those remote controlled toys that have the controller attached directly to the toy via a black plastic wire. It is like the toymakers are saying, 'Careful now, have fun, but don't go crazy."
Great graphic on the remote there.
After the bitter pill that was Mr.Chops, I rested all my hopes on this one, that he would be the embodiment of Godzilla's rage and destructive power that the Nagging Dragon had utterly failed to be.
Craptastic church ladies and their crappy crap flea market of lies. I want my quarter back.