Tuesday, June 7, 2011

No Bottom

I received a complaint that my blog has been having too many pictures of bottoms lately, and worse, that the hair drawn on the bottoms is too similar from bottom to bottom to be believable.

The multitude of bottoms is attributable mostly to my lack of intellectual density; because of my immaturity, I draw bottoms frequently.

The lack of realistic variety is inexcusable, however.
It does short service to the natural variation hard-coded into our genetic make-up.
I assure the concerned reader that the uniform bottom hair is only for the sake of simplicity, and is not intended, in any way, to disparage the uniqueness of the human person.

This conversation makes an excellent opportunity to return to my theory, still in its infancy, of the Unified Theory of Proximal Awkwardness.

Since the proximal line is an arbitrary measure of distance, as seen in plate A,  my own life has supplied me with a more finite proximal measurement of space.
I have houseguests coming this weekend.
The boundary of my house makes a concrete and relatable boundary, shown in B.

The theory could now be adjusted to state the more someone is in your house, the more awkward you will feel. Refer to C.
And in D, we see the inevitable surge in awks, halting at the prestablished maximum of 64.
However, notice in E, as I leave the house, expanding the proxemics, the level of awks begins to diminish.
What conclusions can we draw?
The more someone is in your house, the more awkward it is; but the more you are not in your house while they are there, the less awkward it is.

I would keep going, but as I was drawing that last chart, I was suddenly struck with a deep and secret fear that my work on this subject is lacking in value.
That I am wasting my time.

This crack in my confidence was stressed even further after I emailed Flora Lichtman. Flora works for National Public Radio's Science Friday program and has recently co-authored the book Annoying: The Science of What Bugs Us. I assumed she would appreciate hearing from a colleague, and that she would naturally be interested in the field of awkwardness, as it is similar to the field of annoyance.
I even gave her permission to use my research (complete with tables) without the need to credit me.
She never responded.
If Flora Lichtman and the Science Friday team sees no value in my research, than I fear for the future of the field.
If anyone knows if Bill Nye is still alive, please email me.

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