Friday, June 10, 2011

H-Day

As I mentioned here, I have houseguests coming today.
I have a dilemma though.
The primary vehicle I have to shuttle them around in is the one pictured here, the one that a student decided was a good receptacle for defecation.
They don't read this blog, but if they ever did, I wonder if they would be mad at me for not mentioning the incident, and then they would try to remember what pants or shorts they were wearing at that time, and then try to burn those items of clothing. If they could not quite recall the specific ones, they might then have to burn all the pants and shorts they brought on their visit, and if they could not recall even which ones those were, they might have to burn all their clothing.
I really want to prevent this from happening, but in truth the car was kind of gross before the defacle spectacle and will remain gross long after.
I transport a large variety of students, all of which bring their own particular brand of detritus to the mix.
One young man I consider the "Grinder", because whenever he hears music in the car he starts to grind his bottom deeply into the cushion of the seat.
I do not listen to music in the car; I listen to the news. But NPR still squeezes in bits of music between stories and this prompts a brief but thorough session of butt grinding.
This leaves a distinctive funk hanging in the air long after my passenger has departed.
I have had several students start an ineffectively contained monthly visitor in my car.
The outcome of that is really not good.
There has been a lot of bad breath dispersed throughout the confines of that car as well, and though invisible, I feel that a certain discoloration has taken place as a result.
My houseguests probably deserve to know all of this, but I cannot bring myself to tell them and I cannot afford to rent a car.
If you have a suggestion, let me know.
In the grand scheme of things, and with all the tragic events going on in the world, I know you might think this is not important; however, you are wrong.

3 comments:

  1. febreeze, febreeze, febreeze

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  2. charlie wintercoatsJune 10, 2011 at 10:30 AM

    Tell them to show up in their swimsuits and go swimming at the public pool right after they arrive. When they smell like your car you can blame the grimy public pool.

    Added bonus if they sit in your car after with their soaking wet swimsuits the chlorine will cleanse the seats and you will have a clean car. Not only will you not have to tell them about the gross car, you will have tricked them into cleaning the car for you. Also when they inevitably find out they will only have to burn a swimsuit.

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  3. This suggestion is great on many levels, except for the level where one of my houseguests is a 70 year old man and I am not sure I want him in his swimsuit in my car. But after everything that car has experienced, I suppose that is splitting hairs.
    Plus he is in better shape than I will ever be, including sporting a six-pack set of abs; perhaps I should be in my swimsuit and get in the pool instead.
    Except I am embarrassed for him to see me without a shirt because of my flabby body.
    I don't want to be a reminder to him of how soft and weak the younger generations are and how we never had to kick cans instead of soccerballs or steal tiddly-winks from the apothecary.

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