Wednesday, March 30, 2011

You so cool

I used to be really cool. I had all different ways to signify my coolness, but one that really stood out to people was how I wore my pants in the classic low-rider style.

This was definitely a good look, and I was pretty confident with it.
Until one day, a nice man pointed out to me that traditionally when you low-ride your pants, you make sure you are sporting boxers and not whitey tighties. It turned out that I had not been cool at all, but actually a little embarrassing and maybe even gross.

So I made some changes.

But as I went about my life low-ridin' and being cool, I began to learn some important things about body/pants relations.
You see, always sagging pants down and then waddling around in them (or sauntering) causes some unusual damage to the integrity of the pants.

I have made a handy guide to help you understand where the problem occurs:

Here is the body in harmony with its pants. The bend is where it is supposed to be, and fabric is thinking, "Ok, this is how I am supposed to work, I am doing real good."
But when you low-ride:

As you can see, there is evident discord. The pants have lost all ability to gauge where, or how, to bend. The fabric is now saying, "There is nothing good about this."

This disharmony can cause all kinds of problems, as it did for me.
Like when I was hackey-sacking with my friends, in front of cute girls, and my pants decided that being cool was kind of exhausting.

This actually happened to me twice, once in blue pants and once in brown. Rips in the knees = cool; rips from crotch all the way down inner thigh = not cool to most people.

Better yet was when my low rider pants conspired to get me beaten up. I was at a rave, because raves were cool,  making my way down some bleacher seating, and my pants restricted my movement just enough to send me crashing forward onto a raver girl.

Despite my apologies, she cussed me out intensely and then went to conspire against me with some of her large man friends. I pulled up my pants to a most uncool height and got the hell out of there.


  1. officially, i am in tears. oh my gosh! you are freaking hilarious. the pictures are genius, but the captions...yeah, they take the cake for me.

    *quickly clicks next post for continued laughter*

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  3. I like how you thought, and then deemed it worth noting that

    rips down inner thigh = not cool "to most people"

    well sir, they're cool to me, thank you for not silencing my voice.